This is a comprehensive summary of “Partnering” by Jean Oelwang. The book explores how to forge the deep connections that make great things happen.

what’s in it for me? foster deep connections to maximize your impact.#

Introduction

we live in an individualistic society.

one that encourages us to strive for individual success and self-sufficiency, even if that means jeopardizing our relationships with our colleagues and loved ones.

as a result, we're in a crisis of loneliness, and many of us are unable to create meaningful relationships in our workplace or our personal lives.

but if we look closer, the core of both a meaningful life and the success of an organization are enduring partnerships.

we actually see this time and time again.

leaders like the founders of innocent drinks and the collective which teamed together to close the ozone hole, both of which we'll hear a little bit more about, they've become the best version of themselves and maximized their positive impact in the world through nourishing their relationships.

my name is inez, and for these chapters, i'll be your partner.

i actually find this focus on partnership really meaningful, and just smart, actually.

i think about people like my grandparents who've been married for over 50 years, overcome huge obstacles, and made it to a place in life that i just don't think they would have without each other.

or friends of mine who were able to make this amazing theater piece by having one of them focus on the logistics of the production and the other one the ideation.

even my roommate and i, we're partners in our home.

she likes cleaning, i like cooking.

she doesn't mind calling the landlord for big repairs, but i'm more likely to swap out the light bulbs or install the showerhead.

and whether you're looking to cultivate a partnership in business or deepen your relationship with your friends, family, or romantic partners, these chapters, they'll cover that.

i'll take you through the six principles of finding, building, and developing deep connections that jean olwang has identified through doing over 60 interviews with business and life partners.

the path to a meaningful life is through deep connections.#

by the time that she founded virgin unite, that's the charitable arm of the venture capital conglomerate, the virgin group, jean already had two decades of career success under her belt.

before that, she had helped to start and develop mobile phone companies all around the world.

but the price of success had come with a cost.

in order to prove herself as a successful female leader, she'd squeezed her friendships into calls from taxis, and time with her family was just fleeting flyby visits.

then, one day in 2006, jean got into a taxi in johannesburg, south africa.

she was with her friend nicola elliott and her boss richard branson, and she headed to a meeting that fundamentally changed the way she thought about relationships.

the taxi was bringing them to meet nelson mandela and his wife, graca michelle, to discuss potential candidates for the elders, which is an organization founded by the two of them in partnership with branson and the musician peter gabriel.

the candidates for the new organization were different global world leaders who would work together to address global conflicts.

and when they arrived in houghton, a leafy suburb of johannesburg, nicola, richard, and jean were greeted by graca, whose radiance and generosity just made her seem immediately familiar.

graca had been an education minister in mozambique, a freedom fighter, and now an advocate for women and children internationally.

she was soon joined by mandela in the living room, who, with his own bright smile and towering stature, immediately filled the room with joy.

but the room was also filled with another energy, the love that graca and mandela shared with one another.

more than just a romantic love, this was a deep connection, one where they lifted each other up to better achieve their own life purposes.

and over the course of the meeting, mandela shared countless stories about friends, like the former un secretary general, kofi annan, and the former us president, jimmy carter.

it was that day that jean realized mandela had become the figure he is known to be through his relationships.

the deep connections, and i just want to point out that that's something that jean writes with a capital d deep, capital c connections, the deep connections that those leaders had with one another enabled them to create something that was way bigger than themselves.

instead of the rampant individualism that society wants us to believe in, she realized the meaning of life must be created through the deep connections we nurture with others.

and that discovery, it set jean on a 15-year exploration of what it actually takes to build deep connections, and in turn, positively impact the world.

most people think of purpose as a solo endeavor, but actually the most meaningful change tends to happen when people come together.

elevate your life purpose through cultivating meaningful relationships.#

so the very first degree of connection is elevating your life purpose by cultivating meaningful partnerships.

it's through this that people end up doing things bigger than they would have imagined on their own.

and in some cases, sharing a purpose might even lead to impactful changes throughout the entire world.

take professor frank sherwood rowland, or as his friends call him, sherry.

he founded the chemistry program at the university of california, irvine in 1964.

in 1973, mario molina, a student from mexico city, joined sherry's postdoc program.

together, the pair decided they would focus on what happens to chlorofluorocarbons, also known as cfcs, in the environment.

at the time, cfcs were found in lots of things, from refrigerators and pesticides to deodorant and hairspray.

sherry and mario knew that cfcs stayed in the atmosphere, but their research led to an unimaginable discovery.

cfcs that ended up in the stratosphere were breaking down the earth's ozone layer.

the consequences of this?

they would devastate the planet as we know it.

without the earth's protective ozone shield in place, the sun's uv radiation could and probably would increase rates of skin cancer and cataracts, and arguably worse, destroy ecosystems and devastate agriculture.

when sherry and mario published their discoveries in 1974, most people just didn't want to believe them.

which makes sense.

i mean, what they were reporting on, it was pretty terrifying.

but they stayed on track.

the two scientists began mobilizing business leaders, politicians, the public, and the media to take action.

first, they were attacked.

companies that had benefited from the multi-billion dollar cfc industry accused them of seeking publicity.

and there were also other scientists who felt that the field of science just wasn't a space for activism.

but sherry and mario, they were motivated by a shared purpose.

to put it really simply, they were trying to save humanity and the planet.

ten years later, a different team of scientists working at the south pole found a hole in the ozone layer.

it was above the antarctic.

after that, other studies confirmed that the ozone layer was disappearing at an alarming rate.

obviously, that was really bad news, but at least the world was finally starting to listen.

then, 1987, the montreal protocol was established, setting in motion a plan to ban cfcs and other chemicals harmful to the ozone layer.

in time, 197 countries signed the agreement, and sherry and mario even went on to win the nobel prize in chemistry.

when we create partnerships, we open ourselves up to the potential of creating something bigger than ourselves, our partners, and even our organizations.

this something bigger, it's not about money or power.

it's about creating a meaningful life and a positive impact on the world through your unique skills.

it might be your own personal mission, or maybe it's a mission that you share with your partner.

but here's the bottom line.

instead of thinking about what you can get out of your relationships, start asking yourself how you can contribute to the world through them.

in the long run, your relationships will be more sustainable when conflicts do inevitably arise, because, let's face it, they always do, but you'll be motivated by a common purpose.

the foundation of any successful relationship is knowing that you have each other's back, no matter what happens.

go all-in with your relationships.#

so it shouldn't come as a surprise that the second degree of connection is going all in with your relationships.

an all-in relationship means creating a bond where you can be vulnerable and take risks, because you know that you're supported by unconditional love.

it's not necessarily easy.

an all-in relationship requires courage, hard work, and being able to approach conflict through creativity.

but feeling safe and knowing that you'll be there for each other for the long run also gives you the confidence and the freedom to do more.

one of jean's first interviews for her book was with the former u.s. president jimmy carter.

she'd worked with him for a decade through the elders, and she knew him well, but this interview, it was different.

that's because when she went to the carter center to meet him, they didn't discuss human rights or climate change or health care.

they talked about the former president's seven-decade-long partnership with his wife, former first lady rosalyn carter.

president carter grew up as rosalyn's next-door neighbor in plains, georgia.

one weekend, while he was attending the u.s. naval academy, he returned home for a weekend visit.

their romance ignited.

president carter said that he knew he wanted to marry rosalyn right from the start.

four children, 12 grandchildren, and 14 great-grandchildren later, the couple shared the longest-lasting marriage of a u.s. president to date.

and one thing we shouldn't overlook is, during the interview, carter credited rosalyn as the most important person in the white house during his time in office.

not his aides, not the vice president, not the chief of staff, but his committed life partner.

the couple was also candid, though, that conflicts arise during a marriage.

apparently, one of the most challenging times in their relationship was after carter lost the election for a second term as president.

he and rosalyn decided to write a book together titled everything to gain, making the most of the rest of your life.

and they actually disagreed so much on the details of their story that the editor finally suggested including both versions of the stories in the book.

and although they obviously admitted that they didn't always see eye to eye, they also said that they always discussed their differences before going to sleep at night.

president carter explained that when they've had failures in their relationship, it's usually a common failure, since they're in the relationship together.

and the successes?

they attributed those to giving each other space but also developing mutual interests.

for them, that was skiing, fly fishing, and bird watching.

and through the carter center, they also continued their mutual fight for peace and human rights.

and at the end of the day, their commitment to all-in commitment made their relationship resilient, through the good times and the bad.

in our digital world, it seems like most people are focused on short-term profit and fame.

create a moral ecosystem grounded in six essential virtues.#

they seek power over others rather than collaborating for the greater good.

in order to work towards deep connections, we'll need to re-evaluate our moral and ethical values.

that's why the third degree of connection is to cultivate a moral ecosystem.

you can think of it like a spiritual operating system.

it guides your every action so you practice your essential virtues.

with time, these virtues become automatic responses, and from there, kindness, compassion, grace, and unconditional love, they develop between us and our deep connections.

for jean, there's six essential virtues you'll want to practice.

enduring trust unshakable mutual respect united belief shared humility nurturing generosity and compassionate empathy let's take a look at the most critical of those six.

enduring trust.

enduring trust isn't just about learning to trust each other, but learning to trust life itself.

that might sound a little vague, but basically, you need to learn to trust that the choices that you make will enable you to walk in grace and succeed.

when we learn to live without fear, we can be fully present in our relationships, bring our whole selves to the table.

and you can see the power of trust in practice.

in 2007, three young founders, brian chesky, nate bletcherczyk, and joe jebbia, were trying to form a new business.

at the time, the thought of letting strangers live in your home seemed like a ridiculous proposition.

the entrepreneurs understood, though, that the trick to making their new business idea work would be identifying the ways in which both guests and hosts would trust the system.

and from its inception, airbnb revolved around connection and trust.

the platform offered free professional photography, designed an intricate reputation system, and really encouraged customer reviews.

and it was working.

then, the covid-19 pandemic hit.

it halted travel, and the co-founders made a decision to offer customers a full refund, making health and safety a priority over the traditional mode of business.

which, at first glance, it sounds great, but the decision actually left the hosts feeling blindsided.

that breach of trust, it could have led to the end of the company.

airbnb doesn't have a whole lot if they don't have rooms and apartments and houses for people to actually stay in.

in order to address the issue, joe, brian, and nate offered a fund of $250 million for their hosts and a formal apology.

in order to cultivate trust, we need to prioritize transparency and clarity in our communication.

you can assume people have good intentions, but you shouldn't be afraid of having hard conversations.

realize that mistakes will be made, and be willing to acknowledge and take responsibility for your own actions.

and if you're struggling to build trust with a partner, ask yourself, are you struggling to trust yourself?

because that's crucial.

trusting your own intentions and abilities is an essential starting point to cultivating the same feeling throughout all of your relationships.

cultivate magnetic moments through rituals, traditions, or daily practices to deepen your relationships.#

now, take a moment to think about your fondest memories with your friends, business partners, or family members.

maybe it was laughing together at a company cookout.

or the mix of shock and joy on your best friend's face when they walked into their surprise birthday party.

those moments of connection are what gene calls magnetic moments, and they form the fourth degree of deep connection.

magnetic moments are experiences that give you a feeling of togetherness and increase the depth and the meaning in your relationships.

that might mean cultivating rituals, daily practices, or traditions which spark wonder and curiosity.

these moments can create space for unlimited joy and honest communication while building a wider community of support.

basically, they're the moments which define our relationships and keep our deep connections afloat when conflicts arise.

and you shouldn't just sit around, waiting for those magnetic moments to occur naturally.

magnetic moments require consideration, planning, and effort.

that was actually something that richard reed, along with his partners adam balin and john wright, understood when they started the company innocent drinks.

the three of them had met at the university of cambridge, and they came up with this idea for a natural fruit smoothie business during a snowboarding trip in the late 90s.

their first move was investing £500 to just sell a bunch of drinks at a london music festival.

the feedback was positive, and innocent drinks was born.

part of the company's success can be attributed to the rituals, practices, and traditions which the co-founders have implemented.

they've quarterly off-site meetings.

they were once held at a local pub, and now they take the form of team-building weekends and destinations from salzburg to ibiza.

they've also led the big knit since 2003.

it's an annual tradition where people across the uk mail mini knitted hats to the company.

and for every bottle sold with a hat, the company donates 25 pence to age uk in support of the elderly.

7.5 million hats later, the company has raised over £2.5 million for the charity.

and they've established this tradition which builds this special bond with their community.

thinking up new kinds of rituals and traditions has been key to those founders' ability to remain close friends and business partners.

and they make sure to stay consistent, too.

they have a weekly monday afternoon meeting which allows them to connect, and it makes them better at anticipating each other's needs and finding the best ways to support one another.

in just about any relationship, friction is inevitable.

turn conflict into a learning opportunity by celebrating friction.#

we often see it as something that we should try to avoid.

but according to jean, conflict might actually benefit your relationships.

and that's why the fifth degree of connection is celebrating friction.

just to be clear, celebrating friction is not about fueling drama.

it's about turning conflict into a learning opportunity.

it requires putting aside your ego and considering your own contribution to a problem.

this kind of constructive conflict requires you to trust that your partner has your best interest at heart, which goes back to that moral ecosystem and enduring trust that you cultivated in the third degree of connection.

being able to find shared solutions will enable you and your partners to focus on the bigger picture.

and by dealing with friction gracefully, we can come to view conflict as that learning opportunity.

we can recognize that we don't know all the answers and that our partners can actually be our best teachers as well as our support system.

there's a good example of this.

in 2016, andré borsberg and bertrand piccard flew the first solar-powered flight around the planet.

the 26,000-mile trip took 558 hours to complete, but it was the years of developing the deep connection at the foundation of their friendship which they credit for the success of their company, solar impulse.

one of the earliest tensions that arose between the duo was when the media hailed bertrand as the founder of the company, without even mentioning andré.

bertrand's wife, michelle piccard, encouraged him to tackle the issue before it left any mark on their friendship.

bertrand and andré sat down to have a conversation about the issue, leaving their egos at the door.

by talking together in private, they realized that it was bertrand's past public speaking experience that had made him the de facto spokesperson for their endeavor, and andré's natural talent was his skill as a pilot.

bertrand hadn't intended to eclipse andré.

to solve the issue, the two decided that bertrand would train andré to become a better speaker, while andré would train bertrand to fly aircraft.

what could have been a big drama was skillfully turned into a learning experience for each of them.

and andré and bertrand, they have this great name for their ability to turn conflict into innovation.

they call it the sparkles.

rather than trying to beat each other when conflict arises, both of them try to push each other and themselves into an even better position.

according to bertrand, if the two of them are the same after a discussion, it means that they learn nothing in the process.

we all know that we're facing some pretty big issues in the world these days.

cultivate collective connections through collaborative design principles.#

climate change, racism, inequality, these issues and others will require a massive effort of collaborative solutions.

and working through them demands a diverse team of individuals, a team that transcends nations and borders.

in deep connections, they'll need to be at the heart of overcoming these global issues.

that's why the sixth degree of connection is collective connections.

collective connections is a framework of design principles that enable successful collaborations.

think about it this way.

when most people are putting together a group for a collaborative effort, technical skills, experience or recognition are typically all factors that are taken into consideration.

but what if deep connections were at the heart of putting together an effective group?

the deep connections at the core of a leadership team might have a rippling effect across an entire organization.

and there are actually several collaborative design principles that can show how collective connections of diverse people could work.

one imperative design principle is called relational scaffolding.

and relational scaffolding is about valuing the relationships that you build rather than focusing on transactions.

the brazilian cosmetics company natura, founded by luiz ceabra, pedro passos and guilherme leal, have relied on relational scaffolding to grow their $11 billion global company since 1969.

natura has over 6 million consultants in 100 countries, and they each generate new ideas for projects that encourage sustainable consumption practices.

that's not even all.

the company has partnered with over 30 indigenous amazonian communities to supply ingredients such as yucuba berries and brazil nuts.

this could be a big challenge, but the thoughtful relational structures behind the company actually motivate their partners to play a role in the wider mission.

natura prioritizes transparency and openly shared information.

at the same time, it remains adaptive and flexible, which allows for change within the structure of the organization.

it's through these measures, the relational scaffolding, that the company has expanded the deep connections and solidified collaboration throughout the entire organization.

it's deep connections that lay the groundwork to be able to create something larger than yourself and impact the world.

final summary#

Conclusion

you can develop deep connections in both your business and your private life in several ways.

a shared purpose and a moral ecosystem of virtues make sure you and your partner are moving ahead.

in the same direction seamlessly by celebrating friction and creating space for magnetic moments, you can turn conflict on its head and actively foster an even greater connection.

and finally, being all in with your relationships, it gives you the confidence to continue to grow and learn in all of your relationships.

after seeing gene's principles, i've realized that i could work on the enduring trust.

and actually, i think it'd be fun to see where i could build more magnetic moments in.

so think about the partnerships in your life.

do you feel like they're good examples of deep connection?

if not, consider which of these principles you could work on.

with your partner, of course.

the way i see it, actively improving your partnership might even be part of that shared purpose.

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