Taking Sexy Back

you're lying in bed with your partner, physically close but mentally miles apart. your thoughts race between what you think you should want and questions about what you actually do. do you know this feeling?

it’s a space that many – especially female-identified – people can recognize. in this chapter, we’ll see how many of us have learned to view our sexuality through others' eyes, instead of experiencing it from within. 

this isn't just another guide to spicing things up. it’s not another voice telling you what you should want or feel. it's a roadmap for reconnecting with your authentic sexual self and building relationships that honor your – and your partners' – truths. 

this journey of sexual reclamation isn't just about better sex; rather, it's about creating a world where female pleasure is valued, where consent is paramount, and where every sexual experience emerges from mutual desire rather than scripts, stereotypes, and power dynamics.

ready to begin? then let’s start!

have you ever faked an orgasm or stayed silent about your desires? have you ever felt unable to open up about what you wanted in bed? you’re not alone. these are symptoms of a deeper problem: our culture expects women to be sexy but not sexual, to be appealing but not demanding, to be available – but not to be hungry.

the author calls this “outside-in” sexuality – where women experience their sexuality primarily through others' eyes, performing rather than feeling. they learn to gauge their sexual worth through external validation, disconnected from their desires and even from their own bodies. too many women have learned to perform their sexuality like actors on a stage, disconnected from their authentic selves. 

but there's a powerful alternative: building sexuality from the “inside-out.” this means quieting the noise of external expectations and reconnecting with the authentic sexual self. it's about moving from performance to enjoyment, from numbness to aliveness, from shame to comfort and pleasure.

the #metoo movement has shown that when women find their voice, they shake the very foundations of patriarchy. in a world where one-third of women experience sexual violence, and where still more face harassment, reclaiming sexuality is an act of resistance. 

by learning to say “no” with greater clarity and confidence, you gain the power to say “yes” – a full-bodied, authentic yes of genuine desire, rather than obligation or performance. that yes can mean “i love you,” “i need comfort,” or “i want to try something new.” but when sexuality flows from the inside out, every "yes" comes from the heart. 

when we share our sexual truths with people we trust, a transformation becomes possible. one woman, shay, discovered this when she opened up to friends about her complicated feelings around oral sex. what started as self-judgment and a feeling of being prudish, developed through these conversations. her friends' support helped her recognize that sexual preferences aren't simply ‘hang-ups’ to overcome, but often reflect deeper questions about power, pleasure, and authenticity. she moved from feeling pressured to perform to feeling empowered to communicate openly with her partner about her boundaries and desires.

when it comes to moving from self-judgment to self-awareness, there’s a powerful path we can follow. the author calls it name-connect-choose. first, we name our truth. then we connect with the emotions beneath it. finally, we make a conscious decision to choose from this place of understanding.

a graduate student demonstrated this framework in action, after receiving a late-night text from someone she was seeing casually. instead of responding automatically, she paused to check in with herself. she named what was happening (“he wants to meet up for sex” she realized), connected with her feelings (she could sense a mix between a fear of rejection but also a clear internal “no” to wanting to do that), and – rather than act from fear of abandonment – she finally chose to honor her truth and not respond until the next day. 

the difference lies between a choice based on fear and one based on love. fear sounds like “i should,” “i have to,” or “what will they think if i don’t?” love simply sounds like "yes!" and our whole being resonates with the choice.

intimate relationships are always a dance; a dance between two people's individual histories, fears, and patterns. the author calls this the “golden equation of love” which simply put is: “my stuff + your stuff = our stuff”. "stuff" here simply means any emotional baggage we might be carrying: hang-ups, past traumas, ingrained beliefs, or unconscious patterns that we bring to our relationships and intimate moments. 

recalling this equation can help us navigate intimate moments with more compassion. lucy had a passionate first date that ended awkwardly due to her partner's reaction to a consensual hickey. at first, lucy blamed herself for being “too much.”

but on reflection, she recognized that both people bring their own histories and vulnerabilities to every interaction. sometimes connections don't work out, not because anyone did anything wrong, but because each person brings their own sensitivities and boundaries to the moment. rather than dampening lucy’s playful nature, this insight helped her trust that the right connection would embrace this part of her.

when the author discusses her marriage of twenty years, she shares an insight that surprises some: in her marriage, she says, there exist not two but three distinct sexualities – hers, her partner's, and theirs together. each of these sexualities evolves over time. the sexuality of their early relationship, fueled by new attraction and youthful energy, is different from their current intimate life, which flows from deep affection and attachment. and that will likely be different from their sexuality in the decades to come.

this understanding – that sexuality is dynamic, multifaceted, and relational – is supported by modern research. yet for decades, scientists relied on more simplistic frameworks. a commonly-used model was the masters-johnson-kaplan model, which viewed sexual response as a linear progression: desire leads to arousal, which leads to plateau, orgasm, and resolution. but something wasn't adding up. under this model, an alarming number of women – 43 percent – were being diagnosed with sexual dysfunction – either because they weren’t initiating sex or they weren’t “achieving” orgasm.

enter researchers like rosemary basson, who proposed a more nuanced alternative. instead of always starting with spontaneous desire ("i want sex right now!"), many people – particularly those in long-term relationships – follow a more responsive pattern. they might enter into sex with a partner, not from a place of urgent desire, but from emotional closeness, a wish to share pleasure, a desire to feel attractive, or simply trust in their body's capacity to respond. 

consider morgan and karen's story: after five years together, their seemingly-different sex drives created tension. morgan typically felt spontaneous urges for sex, while karen's desire emerged more responsively – through connection and context. without understanding these differences, both partners began spinning harmful narratives: morgan worried that karen was no longer attracted to them, while karen began wondering if something was wrong with her. learning about these different patterns of arousal helped them move from judgment to connection. 

another helpful lens is the “dual control model” of sexual response. you can imagine your sexual arousal is like a car. the gas pedal represents all of the things that turn you on – that accelerate you towards arousal. but you also have brakes – the things that inhibit you; like stress, body image concerns, relationship problems, or worries about performance. 

so if you’re concerned about your or your partner’s sexual connection, before you go slamming the gas pedal make sure you’ve taken your foot off the brakes. ask yourself: am i stressed out? is our communication on point? do i feel safe and attuned? your “brakes” might be anything from unresolved conflict, financial stress, conflict over domestic labor, or pressure at work. 

don’t assume you need to spice things up or make up for flagging desire. if your partner is worried about the kids walking in, making things sexy is less about breaking out the lingerie – and more about hiring a babysitter.

healthy sexuality rests on three foundational elements the author calls the sacred trio: risk, self-compassion, and trust. the interplay of these three elements is essential to sexual intimacy. any step toward sexual expression – whether sharing a fantasy, initiating sex, or trying something new – involves emotional vulnerability. the goal isn't to eliminate this risk (which would keep us from exploring) but to cultivate enough self-compassion and trust to navigate it gracefully.

let’s take a simple example. your partner’s been working late; their laptop screen glowing until midnight; their shoulders tight with stress. you want to suggest a massage – that might lead to more – but you hesitate. what if they're too tired; what if they feel pressured; what if they reject you? the risk here lies in making yourself vulnerable. but then self-compassion reminds you that your desire for connection is natural and beautiful, and then your trust reassures you that your partner will be honest with you about whatever they want.

let’s look at another story. after eighteen months together, tori’s trust had deepened enough for her to share a sexual fantasy with trey. trey agreed, but the reality of acting out this fantasy left tori feeling unexpectedly vulnerable and upset. but the same trust that helped tori take the risk, helped her to turn toward trey with her distress. his steady, non-judgmental presence helped transform what could have been a shame-inducing experience into one of deeper intimacy and understanding. 

research shows that nearly everyone has sexual fantasies, and can center on anything from power dynamics, experiences with different partners, novelty, or forbidden pleasures. our sexual imagination – including our fantasies and yearnings – often reflects a desire to break free from cultural constraints. bringing any of these desires into the light takes trust and communication. 

this kind of authentic sexual communication becomes especially crucial in long-term relationships. according to research, after a decade together, partners reportedly understand only about sixty percent of what their partner enjoys sexually. the couples who thrive sexually are those who create safe spaces for vulnerability, who can listen deeply without judgment, and who view their intimate life as an unfolding journey of exploration; exploration of themselves and each other.

zoe and dalia came to therapy to resolve their conflict about marriage. zoe saw marriage as a validation of their love, but dalia viewed the institution of marriage with deep skepticism. they were navigating what countless modern couples face – the need to create their own meaning rather than following inherited scripts. the fact is, modern relationships require active negotiation and understanding in ways that previous generations didn't face. 

this shift from circumscribed roles to conscious creation can shape every aspect of intimacy. couples today must actively negotiate terrain our grandparents never imagined: how do we balance two ambitious careers? what are our boundaries around digital intimacy? is monogamy what we want? 

each of these questions forces partners to examine their deepest values, fears, and hopes. when a couple discusses career balance, they're really talking about identity, purpose, and the kind of life they want to build together. when they set boundaries around digital connections with others, they're exploring trust, loyalty, and what intimacy means to each of them. rather than simply following social scripts or established norms, modern couples have no choice but to create their own path. 

the author refers to this change as a shift from role-based to soul-based partnerships. soul-based couples can’t rely on preset scripts about who does what or how. they have to replace external guardrails like social pressure and rigid roles with internal ones built on self-awareness and open communication. while this can feel daunting, it also offers an unprecedented opportunity: the chance to create partnerships that are both more authentic and more equitable than any generation before us has known.

a male-identified client of the author once shared a revealing insight: "in my head, i know that it's okay to let my wife support me when i'm having a hard time, but it still just feels wrong somehow.” the client felt as though he had to take care of everything by himself. this story illustrates how deeply ingrained cultural messages – in this case, about masculinity – can interfere with authentic connection, whether or not we accept them consciously. 

regardless of their gender, supporting a partner who is exploring their sexuality requires “holding space” – being a calm, present witness to their journey, rather than urgently trying to fix or improve things. think of it like musicians playing together: one person maintains a steady bass line while their partner explores and improvises. this isn't passive – it's an active form of engagement that requires specific skills and conscious unlearning of cultural conditioning. 

that conditioning runs deep. male-socialized people, in particular, often internalize three messages, each of which can be damaging. first, that they must have everything figured out – an attitude that can prevent genuine curiosity. second, that their emotional lives should be simple, leading them to mask or hide their vulnerability. and third, that they must constantly prove their masculinity, creating anxiety that blocks connection. these three cultural beliefs can make true intimacy feel foreign or even threatening to those who carry them. 

so how do we work with them and heal? what tools can we use? the first is self-reflection – examining one’s own relationship with sexuality and gendered expectations. next comes inquiry – asking thoughtful questions from genuine curiosity. some questions you or your partner can ask each other are: "when do you feel most in tune with yourself and your sexuality?", "are there moments where it feels safe to be vulnerable?" ,"is there a way i can help to support you?”. then there's active listening. this means focusing solely on understanding rather than formulating responses. finally, there's regulation – managing your own defensive reactions when hearing a difficult truth. 

so what does this look like in practice? instead of jumping to explain or defend when a partner expresses a need, take a deep breath and try to bring your focus to their experience. rather than reacting with “why didn’t you say something earlier?” or “that's not what i meant,” you might try “can you help me understand that better?” or “thank you for trusting me with this.”

the good news is that perfection is not required. what matters most is authentic presence – being genuinely there with your partner as they explore and grow. when confusion or uncertainty arise, treat them as opportunities for deeper understanding, rather than problems to solve. remember that your empathy itself is healing. showing your willingness to listen and learn can help to create the safety needed for true intimacy to flourish. 

just as partnerships today require active negotiation, rather than following preset scripts, you can support and connect to your partner by actively choosing presence over performance, curiosity over certainty, and connection over control.

in this chapter of taking sexy back by alexandra solomon, phd we've learned that authentic sexuality begins with moving from “outside-in” validation to “inside-out” expression. 

sexuality is dynamic and multifaceted. it evolves throughout our relationships and lives. but this journey extends beyond the bedroom. by breaking free from performative sexuality and cultural scripts you can discover what truly makes you feel excited.

remember that healthy intimacy requires risk, self-compassion, and trust – and that modern relationships thrive on conscious negotiation rather than predetermined and unexamined roles. whether exploring your own desires or supporting your partner's, focus on presence over performance, creating space for vulnerability, curiosity, and true intimacy to grow.

okay, that’s it for now. we hope you enjoyed it. if you can, please take the time to leave us a rating – we always appreciate your feedback. see you in the next chapter!