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Sex & Relationships23 min read
The Four Noble Truths of Love
by Susan Piver
Buddhist Wisdom for Modern Relationships
Published: July 16, 2020
4.6 (566 ratings)
Table of Contents
1
what’s in it for me? enrich your love life, and get closer to the people you care about. 2
the four noble truths are the foundation of buddhist philosophy.3
problems are an integral part of relationships.4
we harm relationships when we hold them to unrealistic standards.5
attachment is the ultimate cause of dissatisfaction in relationships.6
true love is embracing the instability of a relationship together.7
practicing direct communication can deepen a couple’s intimacy.8
final summaryBook Summary
This is a comprehensive summary of “The Four Noble Truths of Love” by Susan Piver. The book explores buddhist wisdom for modern relationships.
what’s in it for me? enrich your love life, and get closer to the people you care about. #
Introduction
susan piver the four noble truths of love
buddhist wisdom for modern relationships
narrated by rosalind tordesillas and oliver maines are we destined to make the same relationship mistakes for eternity?
for all of the progress we've made as a society, it appears that we've hardly matured when it comes to love.
we seem to suffer from jealousy, longing, affairs, and heartbreak more than ever.
almost half of all marriages in the us end in divorce.
what's going on?
why do we struggle to make relationships work?
this is one area where we moderns can learn a thing or two from our predecessors.
these chapters look to ancient buddhist philosophy to shed some light on our love problems.
now, you're probably thinking, buddhism?
really?
what can ancient monks tell us about modern love?
didn't they take vows of celibacy and turn their backs on the material world?
they may be thousands of years old, but buddhist reflections on life and love are surprisingly applicable to modern romance.
they've certainly saved the author's relationship once or twice, and they can benefit your relationship too.
designed to challenge your outlook on sex, dating, and romance, these chapters aim to liberate you from the bad habits and false expectations that have been preventing your relationships from flourishing.
they also lay out some mindfulness practices that you can use to connect with your partner, embrace your relationship, and achieve greater happiness and contentment in your love life.
the four noble truths are the foundation of buddhist philosophy.#
chapter 1 of 6 the four noble truths were taught by the buddha more than 2,500 years ago.
they were his first teachings after achieving enlightenment, and they formed the basis of the buddhist philosophy.
siddhartha gautama, the buddha's given name, was born a prince.
his upbringing was so sheltered that he didn't lay eyes on people who were elderly, sick, or dying until he was a grown man.
dismayed by these revelatory experiences, he renounced his life of luxury in the hope of finding the meaning of existence and an end to suffering.
after several years of fasting, begging, and other forms of chastity, gautama finally resolved to sit beneath a bodhi tree until the truth revealed itself to him.
it's said he sat beneath that tree for 49 days before achieving enlightenment, at which point he returned to share what he'd learned, the four truths about existence.
the key message here is, the four noble truths are the foundation of buddhist philosophy.
the first noble truth is, life is suffering.
that's not to say that everything's bad.
suffering here refers to a base-level discomfort that we can't ever quite get rid of.
this discomfort stems from the fact that everything in life is transient.
we try to hold on to things—good looks, possessions, relationships—but everything ultimately passes through our fingers.
as a result, we suffer a great deal of anxiety about what awaits us in the future, and we sorrow for what we've left behind in the past.
however, it's not transience per se that causes suffering.
this is where the second noble truth comes in.
the cause of suffering is attachment.
in other words, we suffer because we can't bear to let go of the things we've become attached to.
now that we know the cause of suffering, we arrive at the third noble truth.
it's possible to end suffering.
in order to do that, we have to accept reality for what it is.
knowing that everything in life comes and goes, we must, as far as possible, relinquish our attachments to things.
but how exactly do we achieve this?
well, the fourth noble truth says that there is a path for transcending suffering.
this path is known in buddhism as the noble eightfold path.
it offers the various components of the buddhist's moral life.
if followed conscientiously, these will lead to enlightenment.
so that's it—the four noble truths of buddhism.
these are the four noble truths of buddhism.
these are the basis for the noble truths of love, which, as we'll see, follow this same structure.
problems are an integral part of relationships.#
chapter 2 of 6 many of us behave as though the turbulence we experience in our relationships is only temporary.
we imagine that our troubles are a result of some little problem.
if we manage to solve it, it'll be smooth sailing from then on.
we're all prone to this kind of if-only thinking.
if only we amassed some savings, then maybe we'd stop fighting about the finances.
if only we moved to the city, then maybe we wouldn't feel so restless.
if only we lived closer together.
if only we got couples counseling.
if only we had children.
if only.
you might have caught yourself wondering, when did we start thinking like this?
you might have caught yourself wondering, when will these problems be resolved?
but have you ever considered the possibility that the answer might be, never?
the key message here is, problems are an integral part of relationships.
problems are simply not the kind of thing that can be eradicated from a relationship.
once one problem is resolved, another will take its place.
maybe it's the first date, and you're anxious for them to like you.
or maybe your long-term partner won't stop humming, even though you've asked them not to do it a billion times.
whether it's your first encounter or a 30-year marriage, there will always be some problem to chew on in a relationship.
it doesn't matter how hard you work at it, how well you plan for the future, or how madly in love you are.
you're going to suffer headaches from time to time.
you're going to face hardship.
you're going to have doubts about the relationship.
you're going to feel disconnected, misunderstood, bored, irritated, stressed, confused, and sad.
and you know what?
that's absolutely okay.
that's normal.
that's all part and parcel of any loving relationship.
so what does this all mean exactly?
it means you're never going to feel completely comfortable or satisfied in a relationship.
some level of discomfort is simply an ever-present reality.
this is the essence of the first noble truth of love, which says that relationships never completely settle.
this might seem pessimistic, as though all your attempts to make the relationship work are futile.
but that's not true at all.
relationships are built on these problems.
every problem forces us to come together, discuss the issue, and find a solution.
it's through resolving problems that we deepen our intimacy.
the mistake we so often make is imagining that there is some idyllic place of happiness and stability to be found on the other side of these problems.
these utopias exist only in the imagination.
what we need to do is embrace them.
embrace the little pleasures we have right here, right now, in the midst of it all.
we harm relationships when we hold them to unrealistic standards.#
chapter 3 of 6 this might be obvious, but you shouldn't be taking relationship advice from movies.
when movies tackle the subject of love, they tend to focus on its rudimentary stage.
once the protagonist falls in love, the screen fades to black and it's implied they live happily ever after.
perhaps that's why we've confused relationships with love affairs.
as a society, we've equated love with the passion and euphoria that comes with the initial blaze of infatuation.
the key message here is, we harm relationships when we hold them to unrealistic standards.
love affairs and relationships are not the same thing.
at all.
in love affairs, feelings are everything.
we enjoy them because they make us feel great.
love affairs are somewhat self-involved, because the emphasis is on how this other person makes me feel.
relationships, by contrast, are more about genuine connection and intimacy with another being.
and they don't always make us feel good.
because we've confused the two, we've come to expect that love affairs will make for good relationships and that relationships should remain love affairs.
we expect romance, passion, and desire to remain constant.
but the truth is, this just doesn't happen.
relationships simply can't live up to this fairy tale expectation.
consequently, when the romance dies down and the euphoria is lost, we think that something's gone terribly wrong.
but of course, it hasn't.
this is just what relationships do.
they fluctuate.
emotions come and go.
our desires wane, come back, and then wane again.
we can absolutely adore our partner one day and be exasperated by them the next.
for some reason, we have a lot of trouble accepting our partner's love affairs.
that's why the second noble truth of love tells us that we make our relationships more unstable by expecting love to be stable.
that is to say, we increase dissatisfaction in our relationships by placing impossible pressures on them.
if this sounds like you, do yourself a favor and be a little more measured with your expectations.
it's unreasonable to expect to feel enraptured all the time.
in fact, you should expect to feel outright bad sometimes.
you're not always going to look at your partner with love, so try not to feel guilty about it.
and don't think that a fight here and there is a sign of a failing relationship.
when you soften the expectations you place on your relationships, you release a pressure valve.
and much of your worry and tension evaporates into thin air.
by accepting that no relationship is without its struggles, we can ditch the grass is greener on the other side mentality and embrace our relationship for what it is, flaws and all.
attachment is the ultimate cause of dissatisfaction in relationships.#
chapter 4 of 6 we've been talking a lot about expectations.
buddhists have another word for this attachment.
attachment is the trap we fall into time and again.
for example, we get attached to feelings like euphoria and excitement.
we get attached to experiences, especially the sexual kind.
and as we've seen already, we get attached to stages in the cycle.
it's not just about the physical, it's about the mental.
and it's why people expend so much energy trying to prolong the infatuation stage of relationships.
and why they attempt to resurrect it when it's gone.
the key message here is, attachment is the ultimate cause of dissatisfaction in relationships.
but is attachment really so wrong?
isn't the whole point of a loving relationship to become attached to someone?
if you get rid of attachment, won't you also get rid of love?
well, not exactly.
of course, we're attached to the people we love.
no one is saying it's bad to form connections with people.
we couldn't have relationships otherwise.
the problem is that we cause ourselves a lot of unnecessary pain by not being able to let go when people move on, relationships change, or good times eventually come to an end.
to be unattached is not to be emotionless and unloving.
it simply means that when it's time to say goodbye to something, you don't resist.
instead, you let it go with grace.
unfortunately, the story doesn't stop there.
there's another form of attachment that also wreaks havoc on relationships.
that is, our attachment to stories, otherwise known as, the blame game.
we have a persistent need to look for the causes behind things, and our mental state is no exception.
when we feel bad, we look to rationalize the emotion in the hope that we can make ourselves feel better.
it never occurs to us that a feeling might just be that, a feeling.
frequently, it's our loved ones that get the brunt of this kind of reasoning.
we have thoughts like, we're not working out because he's not trying hard enough, or i'm stagnating in life because she's holding me back.
we're constantly weaving little stories like these to try and justify why we feel the way we do.
and sure, sometimes our loved ones do cause us to feel bad, but a lot of the time, they're just an easy target.
it's convenient to blame the person opposite you when the real reason might be a complex combination of past experiences, hormonal chaos, or maybe just being plain hangry.
while probing into your feelings is healthy and useful, becoming too attached to unfounded stories can end up provoking an unnecessary divide.
so here's some advice.
feel the feeling, drop the story.
in other words, try not to find meaning in your feelings so much.
instead, just feel.
chapter five of six.
often, when we say we're looking for love, what we're actually after is a protective cocoon to shelter us from the struggles we face in life.
true love is embracing the instability of a relationship together.#
we want someone who will lick our wounds, fulfill our desires, and bring us lasting progress.
but this isn't love.
this is magical thinking.
sure, from time to time, relationships do afford some degree of comfort, security, and happiness.
but they're fickle creatures.
relationships are just as likely to make you feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, and upset.
because if there's one thing a relationship can't offer, it's stability.
the key message here is, true love is embracing the instability of a relationship together.
now i like you, now i don't.
now i feel close to you, now i feel shunned.
now i want to spend my life with you.
now i want to jump ship as soon as possible.
the way lovers feel about each other is constantly shifting in unpredictable ways.
and it's not just about the way they feel about each other.
it's constantly shifting in unpredictable ways.
much like the weather, a new front can sweep in at any time.
none of this is meant to dissuade you from having a relationship, just help you understand what you're getting yourself into.
relationships are a wild ride.
and as we've seen, the wrong way to respond to this ride is attachment.
so if not attachment, then what is the correct approach to addressing the instability of a relationship?
this is where the third noble truth of love comes into play.
love is meeting the instability together.
in other words, love is knowing full well that the ride is going to be rough, but choosing to take it anyway.
love is the willingness to board the rollercoaster of emotion, desire, and confusion with another being, for no other reason than the sheer benefit of the other.
so don't commit to a relationship thinking it'll be easy because it won't.
but don't let that put you off.
the difficulty of relationships is actually what makes them so profound and rewarding.
you can't drift through a relationship.
they're a constant challenge, a never-ending game of communication and interpretation.
time and again, you're forced to work on the relationship, reassess it, learn from it, and experiment with it.
don't ever be under the illusion that a relationship has exhausted everything it has to offer.
practicing direct communication can deepen a couple’s intimacy.#
chapter six of six.
it's one thing to learn the noble truths of love, but another to actually integrate them into your love life, especially in the face of real relationship turmoil.
as mike tyson once said, everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.
fortunately, there are steps you can take to put these insights into practice and make this ride we call love a little more comfortable.
this is the crux of the fourth noble truth of love, which says there's a path for transcending relationship suffering.
this path is all about building intimacy between you and your loved one.
while you'll never be able to fully prepare for all the challenges a relationship will throw at you, the closer you are with your partner, the easier it'll be to tackle them.
the key message here is, practicing direct communication can deepen a couple's intimacy.
one great communication technique is the practice of meditative conversation.
this is a form of meditation that couples can practice together.
the idea is that by combining conversation with a meditative state of mind, couples can align their mindstreams to achieve a unified spiritual experience.
to prepare, find a quiet place where you can sit facing one another and decide who's going to speak first.
make sure to turn off your devices, but feel free to use a timer.
each session will only take about 15 minutes.
begin the session with two minutes of silent meditation.
after two minutes, the person who's going to listen first asks the question, how are you?
the speaker now has five minutes to speak.
in these five minutes, they hold the floor.
they can talk about pretty much anything they like, so long as it's related to them.
for example, they could talk about how their day went, mention any aches and pains they've been experiencing, or even introduce concerns they've been having about the relationship.
during these five minutes, the listener is not allowed to interrupt them.
their role is simply to pay attention to the speaker's words.
once the five minutes are up, the listener thanks the speaker.
this is followed by another two minutes of silent meditation, and after this, it's the other person's turn to speak.
conclude the session with a further two minutes of silent meditation, followed by an invitation for the relationship to blossom.
you could say something like, may i have love, may my partner have love, may all beings have love, may this relationship thrive.
there you have it.
you now possess the tools to incorporate intimacy into your everyday routine.
an approach that's cheaper than a spa retreat and less prone to conflict than a board game night.
final summary#
Conclusion
you've just listened to our chapters to the four noble truths of love by susan piver.
here's the takeaway message from these chapters.
our modern conception of love simply equates it with positive emotion and passion.
this is a very self-absorbed idea of love where the emphasis is on oneself.
and we can actually make relationship problems worse by interpreting the emotional turmoil that love causes as a sign that there's something wrong.
but love is more than a feeling, it's a way of being.
and true love is facing the emotional turmoil of life's journey, all the discomfort, confusion, and pain, hand in hand with a fellow traveler.
it's dynamic, scary, and profound.
once we accept it for what it is, we might just be able to enjoy the adventure a little more.
here's some actionable advice.
initiate a meditation habit today.
whether you intend to meditate together or alone, make it a habit by doing it at a set time every day.
it could be as simple as 10 minutes before you eat breakfast in the morning.
as we've seen, meditation can be a powerful tool for reestablishing connection with your partner on a regular basis.
it helps even when you meditate alone.
simply allow your partner's qualities to rest in your mind.
see their smile, hear their laugh, and remember why you love them.
if you want further guidance, check out the author's online meditation community, the open heart project, for free weekly guided meditations.
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