Don't Say Um

why is something as natural as speaking often so difficult when it matters most? in everyday conversations, we hardly think about the words we use or how we present ourselves – it feels effortless. but put us in a high-stakes situation, like giving a presentation, pitching an idea, or even having a tough conversation, and suddenly the simple act of talking feels overwhelming. anxiety creeps in, and what usually feels easy becomes a daunting challenge.

part of the problem lies in the advice we often receive. “be yourself.” “just relax.” “don’t fidget.” these instructions might sound encouraging, but they rarely help because they don’t offer meaningful actions or practical tools. worse, the focus on what not to do can make us even more self-conscious. if you’ve ever been told to stop talking too fast or to avoid nervous gestures, you know how frustratingly unhelpful that advice can be.

there’s a better way to approach communication challenges – one that doesn’t rely on clichés or impossible-to-follow instructions. it starts with a shift in focus. great communication isn’t about obsessing over your delivery. it’s about connecting with others. the less you focus on yourself and the more you focus on your audience, the better you’ll communicate.

in this chapter, we’ll explore actionable strategies to help you transform the way you speak. by mastering these skills, you’ll unlock a more confident, clear, and effective way of communicating. let’s get started!

whether you’re looking to connect in a meeting, close a deal, or impress a potential partner on a date, communication is key. take eye contact, for example. it can feel weird to hold someone’s gaze for too long, right? but picture this scenario: a toddler comes up to you, crying because he’s fallen and scraped his knee. without thinking, your eye contact is locked in, deep and focused, totally attuned to this child’s needs. that’s the kind of genuine connection that really speaks to people.

or consider another common issue: what to do with your hands while speaking. it sounds silly, but it’s a real concern for many. imagine being so unsure about your hands that you feel like they aren’t even part of you, wondering, “where should i put them?” yet, this worry magically disappears when you’re out having dinner with friends. why? because you’re not focusing on your hands; you’re engaged in the conversation, laughing, eating, simply being in the moment.

often, our biggest barrier to effective communication isn’t physical – it’s mental. when we stand up to give a speech and suddenly can’t figure out what to do with our hands, it’s not really about the hands. it’s because we’re caught up in our heads, thinking about ourselves and how we appear, rather than focusing on connecting with the people in front of us.

great communicators flip this script. they use their whole self to speak: gestures, voice, eyes, everything. they switch it up. sometimes they speak softly to draw you in; other times, they might increase their volume to drive a point home. they’re not stiff or robotic; they’re lively, expressive, and completely dialed into their audience’s reactions. it’s not just about being loud or quiet – great speakers know when to speed up to convey excitement or slow down to emphasize a crucial point. this rich mix of tones and speeds is called vocal variety. it’s a tool that stems from our human need to connect and make sure our message isn’t just heard, but felt.

effective communication, in short, is all about engagement. it’s using your whole presence to connect. forget the constrained, “professional” communication style that limits how much of yourself you bring into the room. true connection happens when you’re fully present, responding naturally and dynamically to the situation, just like you would with a friend over dinner. and that’s how you turn ordinary interactions into memorable ones, ensuring that what you say not only lands but resonates deeply with your audience.

okay, now that we’ve gotten a sense of what great communication is all about, we’re ready to take a look at how you can start honing your communicative chops. 

let’s start by cleaning those pesky filler words out of our speech – all those “ahs,” “ums,” and “likes” that can make us sound as though we don’t know what we’re talking about. these habitual verbal tics are signs that we’re not choosing our words carefully enough. instead of tackling these fillers head-on, though, we’re going to focus on enhancing our overall precision in language – a tactic that’ll naturally reduce the occurrence of these fillers. 

so, let’s imagine you’re talking with a friend who’s going through a tough time. how does your speech sound as you try to comfort them? chances are, your words naturally become more deliberate. they’re chosen with care because you’re deeply invested in conveying a message: in this case, your empathy. put differently, when we’re focused on a message and its impact, extra words tend to fall away, leaving room for clear, impactful communication.

you can sharpen this precision in everyday conversation by using a practical exercise called “finger walking.” here’s how it works. start by picking a topic that’s a bit out of your comfort zone. this is key because talking about familiar topics often leads to automatic speech patterns, where fillers sneak in more easily. once you’ve chosen a topic, you’re ready to begin.

as you discuss your topic, use your index and middle fingers to “walk” across the table in front of you. each movement forward with your fingers should mirror a step forward in your thought process. if you hit a snag or need a moment to think, stop your fingers right there. this pause is your chance to carefully pick your next words. continue walking your fingers – and speaking – only when you’ve gathered your thoughts. your aim is to maintain a steady pace that reflects your careful speech. the physical movement of your fingers is a reminder to keep your thoughts and words in sync, encouraging a flow of precisely chosen words.

make this “finger walking” a regular practice and you’ll soon find yourself speaking more thoughtfully, with greater clarity, while those pesky fillers will start to vanish. as you begin to ensure that every word serves a purpose, your speech will become more engaging and authoritative, strengthening your ability to influence an audience. through this technique, you don’t just change how you speak; you enhance how you connect with others, making every conversation more meaningful and confident.

you might know the famous – and almost certainly apocryphal – story about the american writer ernest hemingway winning a bet by writing a compelling story in just six words: “for sale: baby shoes, never worn.” whether true or not, the lesson here is clear: brevity or being concise is incredibly powerful. 

that’s especially true in our current era – an age of endemic attention scarcity. if you have two minutes of someone’s attention today, every second and every word counts. so here’s the million-dollar question: how can you learn to speak more concisely? 

well, start by trying this exercise. select a professional topic, such as a success story, quarterly review, or elevator pitch – anything you can discuss at length. you’ll now talk out loud about your chosen topic for two minutes. this initial round is where you’ll likely include common speech fillers and possibly meander a bit. perform this step in a private setting or pretend you’re on a phone call if you’re somewhere more public, like your office. 

for the next step, you’ll need six sticky notes or lego blocks. you’re now going to repeat your two-minute presentation, but with a difference. start by picking up the first note and articulating your first key point. this point is one complete thought. often, that will be one full sentence, but it can also be more – just make sure you’re not cramming multiple thoughts into one long, run-on sentence. after fully expressing this thought, place the note back on the table silently. move to the second note, lift it, and begin your second point. continue this method, speaking each part of your content with a corresponding note and placing it down after finishing.

this sticky note method forces pauses between thoughts, drastically reducing unnecessary filler words and encouraging decisive sentence endings. you might not cover all your content in six notes – this is fine. the goal is to cover the most crucial aspects succinctly. if necessary, reuse the notes until you complete your points.

once you’re done, reflect on your delivery. you’ll notice a shorter speaking time, fewer filler words, and a more essential content focus. however, you may lose some natural flow or expressive variety. the next step is to reintegrate these elements without losing the new clarity and brevity. this exercise is more than a quick fix; it’s a practice to embed better communication habits deeply, making speaking succinctly second nature and ensuring your words have a stronger impact.

onomatopoeia is where words mimic the sounds of what they represent, and it reveals how deeply sound and meaning are connected in language. 

there are obvious examples – think of “sizzle,” “gurgle,” or “slap.” but even words like “bell” and “snake” show this relationship. if you think about it, saying the word “bell” mirrors the experience of striking one. that initial “b” is sharp and singular like the sound of a hammer connecting with a bronze bell. the “e” resonates – it’s a clear and pure sound. then there’s that double “l,” which stretches and fades like a diminishing tone. similarly, “snake” has that long, hissing, and, well, snakelike “s” at the front. at the tailend, there’s a sharp and explosive “k” – a sudden stop that brings to mind a serpent’s venomous strike. 

onomatopoeia reminds us that speaking isn’t a purely mental exercise – it’s also physical. enunciation, like gestures and posture, involves the body. and just like tying shoelaces or learning to swim, it’s a skill you can practice. if you want to become a clearer, more deliberate speaker, there’s a simple but highly effective exercise you can do: the cork drill.

to try it, take a wine cork and slice off a small piece, about the width of your pinky nail. place the cork between your top and bottom teeth, slightly to one side, and keep your lips open. then, start speaking while keeping the cork in place. work hard to ensure every word you say is clear and intelligible. if you have a partner, ask them to listen and confirm that they can understand you. if you’re practicing solo, record yourself on your phone and listen back. alternatively, use a voice-to-text app to check how accurately your words are transcribed.

after a few minutes, take out the cork and speak again. you’ll notice that your words sound sharper, more deliberate, and your pace feels more controlled. alternate between using the cork and speaking without it, to blend these improvements into your natural style.

practice this for five minutes twice a day. it’s simple and doesn’t require much time, but the results can be profound. over time, you’ll notice a marked improvement in your enunciation, clarity, and confidence. while the cork is for practice only – after all, using it in a meeting might raise a few eyebrows! – it’s an excellent way to develop the physical precision needed to become a more powerful and confident speaker.

fear of making mistakes is one of the biggest hurdles in communication. it’s ironic, but the more we fear slipping up, the more likely we are to fumble. verbal stumbles, outdated facts, or technical glitches – mistakes are inevitable. but here’s the thing: they don’t have to derail you. the key to handling mistakes isn’t perfection – it’s transparency and flexibility.

let’s break that down. 

transparency means naming, acknowledging, and owning what’s happening in the moment. the mantra here is simple: “a mistake isn’t a mistake.” think about how naturally you embrace this idea in everyday life. if your friend needed a lawyer, and you accidentally gave them the wrong number, you wouldn’t hesitate to fix it. or if a lost tourist started heading down the wrong street after asking you for directions, you’d correct the error without a second thought. in casual scenarios, being flexible about mistakes feels natural. but when presenting, many people freeze, consumed by the belief they must be flawless. this mindset increases pressure and makes the situation worse.

imagine, for instance, that you’re presenting. you start writing on a flip chart but the marker doesn’t work. do you hide it awkwardly and move on, or do you say, “this marker isn’t working; let me grab another”? now imagine the second marker also fails. you could pretend nothing happened, or you could laugh it off with, “looks like we need a bigger marker budget!” the latter not only eases tension but makes you relatable. after all, who hasn’t been failed by technology, even something as simple as a marker?

transparency in moments like these achieves two things. first, it shows your audience that you’re present in the moment, fully engaged. that alone is a powerful connection in our distraction-filled world. second, it invites empathy. by acknowledging the mistake openly, you appear human and relatable. your audience can see themselves in you, and that builds trust.

mistakes, then, aren’t the disaster they sometimes seem to be. they’re a chance to show authenticity, adaptability, and poise. by shifting your focus away from being perfect, you reduce nerves and redirect energy toward creating a genuine connection with your audience. when people see you handling slip-ups with confidence and humor, it makes your message more engaging and memorable. and that means people are more likely to remember what you say. 

in this chapter to don’t say um by michael chad hoeppner, you’ve learned that effective communication combines presence, precision, and connection. great communicators use their whole self to engage their audience fully. they eliminate filler words and speak with clarity – skills they hone through deliberate practice and exercises like “finger walking.” most of all, however, they embrace mistakes, using transparency to foster relatability and trust.

okay, that’s it for this chapter. we hope you enjoyed it. if you can, please take the time to leave us a rating – we always appreciate your feedback. see you in the next chapter.