How to Be Enough
by Ellen Hendriksen
Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists
Book Summary
This is a comprehensive summary of “How to Be Enough” by Ellen Hendriksen. The book explores self-acceptance for self-critics and perfectionists.
what’s in it for me? a step-by-step guide to letting go of your perfectionism and embracing the authentic you#
Introduction
are you exhausted from constantly trying to be perfect? from the outside, perfectionism might look like a relentless drive for excellence, which can be seen as a good thing. but underneath, it’s really about never feeling good enough, which can actually stop you from achieving your goals.
through powerful insights from psychology and practical strategies you can use today, this chapter will show you how to transform your harsh inner critic into a kinder guide. you’ll learn why self-compassion leads to better results than self-criticism, how to break free from the comparison trap, and why authenticity matters more than appearing perfect.
whether you’re struggling with procrastination, people-pleasing, or the constant pressure to achieve more, you'll find a path forward that doesn't require abandoning your high standards – just your impossible ones.
the perfectionist paradox#
if you think being a perfectionist is about striving for perfection, you’re not alone. so it might surprise you to know that perfectionism is really about never feeling good enough. at its core, perfectionism starts with conscientiousness – that wonderful trait that helps you care deeply about doing things well. but somewhere along the way, this healthy care tips over into harsh self-judgment.
you become your own worst critic, focusing relentlessly on flaws while dismissing successes. when you meet your sky-high standards, you simply raise them higher. when you fall short, you take it as proof of your inadequacy.
your inner critic shows up in many ways, beating you up with harsh words and impossible demands. it whispers that others have it worse, so your struggles don’t matter. it compares you constantly to others, always finding you lacking. it demands impossible standards, insisting you should be farther ahead in life, career, or relationships.
so why do you keep listening to this harsh inner voice? often, you’re trying to protect yourself. by criticizing yourself first, you believe you can avoid others’ judgment. by keeping your expectations impossibly high, you hope to drive self-improvement. by putting yourself down, you attempt to stay humble and keep your ego in check.
sometimes you even criticize yourself to feel more in control – if something’s your fault, at least you can fix it. occasionally, you might even voice self-criticism hoping others will reassure you that you’re doing fine.
this is certainly true for elena, a talented software developer who stays late at her office every night fixing imaginary flaws in her code. she believes each small error proves she doesn’t belong in tech. but her perfectionism isn’t protecting her – it’s keeping her from enjoying her successes and connecting with her teammates.
the good news is that through seven powerful mindset shifts, you can transform this harsh inner voice into a far kinder one. you’ll learn to replace criticism with compassion, rigid rules with flexibility, and endless striving with genuine contentment. you’ll discover how to let go of mistakes instead of dwelling on them. you’ll move from procrastination to meaningful productivity, from draining comparison to true contentment, and from rigid control to authentic self-expression.
this journey isn’t about abandoning your high standards or stopping the hard work that makes you who you are. instead, it’s about making room for rest, joy, and genuine connection with others. it’s about recognizing that beneath all your striving lies a deeper wish – to feel safe, accepted, and worthy exactly as you are.
in the chapters ahead, we’ll explore each mindset shift through examples and practical strategies. you’ll discover that being enough isn’t about being perfect – it’s about being authentically, imperfectly, wonderfully yourself.
calming the inner and outer critic#
self-criticism might seem like a path to self-improvement, but it actually diminishes us in powerful ways. when perfectionism becomes your default setting, it grinds your motivation to a halt, increases stress, and, paradoxically, actually lowers the quality of your work. even worse, it creates a barrier between you and others, making genuine connection harder to achieve.
the good news is that you can replace harsh self-criticism with something far more powerful: self-compassion. this means treating yourself with the same warmth and understanding you’d offer a friend who’s struggling. it means recognizing that making mistakes and feeling inadequate sometimes is simply part of being human – something that connects you to everyone else on the planet.
self-compassion isn’t just about feelings – it’s about actions. it might mean giving yourself permission to rest without guilt, or accepting that you can’t possibly do everything on your impossible to-do list. it could be as simple as savoring your morning coffee without rushing, or taking time to garden, exercise gently, or do anything else that brings you joy.
this was true for michiko, who hosts elaborate dinner parties but can’t accept a single compliment from her guests. when they praise her dumplings, she points out every little flaw. she hopes this comes across as humble and vulnerable, drawing people closer. but her comments actually push people away, making them hesitant to share their own vulnerable moments or invite her to their homes in return.
and perfectionism doesn’t just turn inward – it often flows toward others, especially those closest to us. you might find yourself holding your partner, children, or colleagues to impossible standards, focusing on their flaws while easily forgiving strangers for the same mistakes. this tendency to criticize those closest to us creates an internal tug-of-war: we want the best for them, but our criticism pushes them away.
the path forward isn’t about completely eliminating your high standards. instead, it’s about bringing awareness to these patterns and choosing a different response. when you notice yourself slipping into harsh criticism – whether toward yourself or others – you can pause and choose compassion instead.
this first mindset shift, from criticism to kindness, lays the foundation for all the others to follow. by learning to treat yourself and others with genuine compassion, you create space for growth, connection, and true self-acceptance. the perfectionist in you might resist this change at first, but with practice, you’ll discover that kindness is actually the surest path to the growth and connection you’ve been seeking all along.
from rules to values#
perfectionism often comes with an internalized rulebook of rigid guidelines about who you are and what you must do. these rules might often sound something like i have to, or i must, and especially i should. they feel like commands from a strict authority figure, leaving little room for flexibility or choice.
but there’s another way to guide your choices: through values. unlike rules, values are freely chosen directions that give your life meaning. they’re not about what you must do, but about what matters most to you. values can include things like creativity, connection with others, learning, helping people, or any number of meaningful pursuits.
to discover your own values, try this simple exercise: think about the moments in your life when you felt most alive and purposeful. maybe it was helping a friend through a tough time, or losing yourself in a creative project, or teaching someone a new skill. these moments point toward what truly matters to you.
now notice when your perfectionism turns these values into rigid rules. if you value generosity, perfectionism might turn that into i must always say yes when someone asks for help. if you value excellence, perfectionism might insist i can't ever make a mistake. the key difference? values feel like chosen directions, while rules feel like forced marches.
it is also important to ensure that your worth isn’t based on how perfectly you follow rules or how much you achieve. when you base your self-worth on performance – whether that’s work achievements, following a diet perfectly, or appearing totally normal at social events – you set yourself up for inevitable crashes when you can’t maintain it.
instead of letting pre-determined rules dictate your choices, stay present in the moment and let your values guide you. this doesn’t mean you abandon high standards or stop caring about doing things well. it means choosing your direction freely, based on what matters most to you. when you catch yourself thinking i have to in any situation, try shifting your thinking to what you might choose to do based on what you value most. this simple change can transform obligation into meaningful action.
this shift from rules to values creates space for both excellence and self-compassion. it allows you to pursue what matters while accepting that being human means sometimes falling short. most importantly, it helps you move from performing for acceptance to living authentically, connected to both your true self and others.
from paralysis to progress#
perfectionism creates a tricky relationship with both mistakes and productivity. when every mistake feels catastrophic, and every task must be done perfectly, you might find yourself stuck in a cycle of either avoiding tasks entirely or obsessing over every tiny aspect – hurling yourself into unimportant tasks, like cleaning the floors or reorganizing your desktop, instead of tackling the pile of unopened bills in the corner or writing that all-important quarterly report….
the path forward starts with understanding that procrastination isn't about laziness – it’s about emotions. when a task makes you feel anxious, overwhelmed, or inadequate, putting it off provides immediate emotional relief. but this creates a cycle: the more you procrastinate, the worse you feel about yourself, and the harder it becomes to start.
breaking this cycle, like so many others, begins with self-compassion. research shows that forgiving yourself for past procrastination actually helps you procrastinate less in the future. instead of beating yourself up about avoiding tasks, try treating yourself with the same understanding you’d offer a friend.
next, break down overwhelming tasks into steps so small they feel almost ridiculous. instead of listing write report on the to-do list, your first step might instead be, open laptop, or write one sentence. your perfectionist brain will resist this approach, because it prefers all-or-nothing thinking. but starting with tiny steps bypasses the emotional resistance that triggers procrastination.
another powerful technique involves connecting with your future self. take a moment to vividly imagine yourself at the end of the day or week. notice how that future version of you might feel if you take one small step now. this exercise creates empathy with your future self and makes it harder to pass today’s tasks onto them.
this was true for kanika, a graphic designer who often stayed up all night tweaking projects, convinced that each minor adjustment would finally make her work good enough. but the more she focused on fixing perceived flaws, the more flaws she found. meanwhile, new projects piled up untouched, feeling too overwhelming even to begin.
in conversation with her mentor, she developed a new strategy. each time she found a flaw in her project, she would pause and make the conscious effort to locate positive elements around it. she quickly realized that her work wasn’t riddled with mistakes, and it was her own confirmation bias – actually looking for imperfections to confirm her internal beliefs – that was feeding her procrastination.
productivity isn’t about being perfect – it’s about making progress. and even mistakes can be a part of that progress. each small step forward counts, even if it’s imperfect. by combining self-compassion with practical strategies like tiny steps and future self-visualization, you can break free from perfectionist paralysis and start moving forward with both purpose and peace.
stop comparing and be you#
social comparison and emotional control often go hand in hand with perfectionism. both habits promise to keep you safe, but ultimately leave you feeling disconnected from yourself and others.
comparison comes in two forms. sometimes you look down on others to feel better about yourself, leading to a fleeting sense of superiority. other times you look up at others and feel inadequate, focusing on everything you lack. both directions leave you stuck in an endless cycle of measuring and judging, missing the richness of genuine connection.
breaking free starts with getting curious. when you notice yourself comparing, pause to gather more information. that colleague with the perfect presentation style? they might have spent years in toastmasters. that friend who seems to parent effortlessly? they might be struggling in ways you can’t see. the more you know about others’ full stories, the harder it becomes to make shallow comparisons.
similarly, emotional control can keep you from experiencing life fully. you might believe you should always be appropriate, in control, or strong in public. you might think negative emotions need a clear, logical cause, or that positive emotions mean you’re being self-indulgent. some people go so far as to exclude some emotions entirely, like anger or sadness. but trying to perfect your emotions is like trying to control the weather – impossible and exhausting.
if you find yourself restricted in your emotional expression by the need to be appropriate, it doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing situation. try this simple exercise to practice more emotional authenticity: in your next casual conversation, let your facial expressions match your genuine reactions, even just twenty percent more than usual. notice how this small shift affects your sense of connection and presence in the moment.
this experiment yielded interesting results for marcus, who was careful always to maintain a pleasant expression at work no matter how he really felt. while his colleagues praised him for being so positive, he felt increasingly exhausted and isolated. at home, he spent hours scrolling through social media, comparing his life to carefully curated glimpses of others’ lives and feeling empty.
his experiment started small – he put down his phone and recommitted to things that brought him joy. at work, he slowly let his body language and face reflect his real feelings to his colleagues. he didn’t let his emotions overshadow everything – but admitting he felt tired, or overwhelmed, or enthusiastic, and letting it show created space for his authenticity to emerge. as it did, he felt less and less need to compare himself to anyone.
this final mindset shift invites you to move beyond both comparison and control into genuine self-expression. it doesn’t mean sharing every feeling or abandoning all filters. instead, it means allowing yourself to be human – sometimes messy, sometimes joyful, always real. when you stop performing perfection and start living authentically, you create space for genuine connection with others who are on the same journey.
final summary#
Conclusion
in this chapter to how to be enough by ellen hendriksen, you’ve learned that in order to overcome perfectionism, it’s important to understand that it isn’t about striving for excellence – it’s about never feeling good enough. replace harsh self-criticism with self-compassion, which research shows actually improves performance while reducing stress and anxiety. instead of following rigid internal rules, identify your core values and let them guide your choices with flexibility in the moment. break the cycle of procrastination by taking tiny steps and connecting with your future self. finally, practice emotional authenticity instead of constant comparison, allowing yourself to be fully human rather than perfect.
okay, that’s it for this chapter. we hope you enjoyed it. if you can, please take the time to leave us a rating – we always appreciate your feedback. see you in the next chapter.
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