It Begins with You

want to build a relationship that actually lasts? it turns out there's quite a bit more to it than just coupling up. the thing is, most of us never get taught how to create truly fulfilling romantic connections - it's something we have to figure out through experience.

the good news is that we can all learn to love better, even when we're feeling overwhelmed or scared.

but here's the catch: this learning process starts with facing nine uncomfortable truths. truths like these: love begins with doing our own inner work. love is not lust. no one person can complete you. this chapter will delve into these nine truths, along with quick practical tips for implementing them. the goal? , to help you create a foundation for giving and receiving the kind of love you deserve. ready to do the work? then let’s begin…

the path to lasting love begins with a challenging truth: you are the common denominator in every relationship you've ever experienced, from the most fulfilling to the most problematic. while this realization might be uncomfortable, it's also empowering -it means you hold the key to transforming your romantic life.

many of us fall into unconscious patterns that shape our relationships. consider how often we hear someone lamenting that "all the good ones are taken," while consistently choosing emotionally unavailable partners. or think about those who claim that infidelity is inevitable, even as they repeatedly overlook clear warning signs in the people they date. these aren't just unfortunate coincidences - they're manifestations of our inner landscape.

the good news is that you can shift these patterns through committed inner work. this means examining your behavior during challenging relationship moments with unflinching honesty. are you someone who withdraws at the first hint of emotional intimacy? do you find yourself trying to "fix" potential partners rather than accepting them as they are? understanding these tendencies is crucial for creating change.

a powerful way to begin is through reflective journaling, asking yourself: "how am i contributing to what isn't working in my love life?" the insights might be uncomfortable, but they're invaluable.

remember, this journey isn't about harsh self-judgment. it's about accepting yourself while actively pursuing growth. the fundamental truth remains: you must embody the kind of love you wish to attract. when this principle truly resonates, you'll find yourself naturally creating and sustaining healthier relationships.

the most intense relationship battles often don't unfold between partners, but within our own minds. when we get caught in the whirlwind of our thoughts – what buddhist tradition calls "monkey mind," that restless mental chatter that swings from thought to thought – we can inadvertently sabotage our closest connections.

consider how a simple delayed response to a text message can spiral: we craft elaborate stories about our partner's intentions, convince ourselves they're pulling away, and react by withdrawing or lashing out, all before they've had a chance to explain they were in a meeting. this internal narrative can drown out what our partner is actually trying to communicate, creating a gap between perception and reality.

the key to bridging this gap lies in active listening, a practice that involves truly hearing your partner rather than just waiting for your turn to speak. try this: the next time your partner shares something, focus solely on understanding their perspective. repeat back what you've heard ("what i'm hearing is...") and ask if you've understood correctly. this simple practice can break the cycle of assumption and reaction.

this mindful approach becomes especially crucial during challenging times like breakups, where our monkey mind can trap us in loops of painful narratives. by consciously shifting our internal story from "i'll never find love again" to "this is an opportunity for growth," we can navigate heartbreak with greater resilience.

tools like journaling, meditation, and conversations with trusted friends can help tame the mental chaos. remember: when we learn to quiet the battlefield of our minds, we create space for genuine connection to flourish.

we've all been there: that electric first meeting where everything clicks, and suddenly the world seems brighter. the chemistry is undeniable, the conversation flows effortlessly, and your heart races at every text. surely this must be love — right?

but here's the truth that many of us need to hear: lust is not love. that intoxicating rush of early attraction, while powerful, can actually mask whether someone is truly ready for a relationship or simply seeking a connection. when we find ourselves obsessing over the next text or meetup, we're often not yearning for the person themselves, but for the novelty and excitement they bring to our lives — a temporary escape from our loneliness and fears.

our vision of "the one" is often shaped by societal messages and family patterns, sometimes in problematic ways. someone who grew up with volatile relationships might mistake emotional intensity for depth of connection, perpetuating unhealthy cycles.

real love — the kind that lasts beyond the honeymoon phase — requires a different skill set entirely. it means accepting your partner as they are, not as you wish them to be. it involves learning to love them in ways that resonate with their needs and not just in ways that feel natural, comfortable or convenient to you.

when you meet someone new, try this: pause to check in with yourself. communicate openly about your desire to pace things thoughtfully. remember, no single person can complete you — that work belongs to you alone.

the hardest truth about finding lasting love might surprise you: it's not about mastering dating apps or perfecting your conversation skills — it's about learning to love yourself. this isn't just feel-good advice; it's the foundation of every healthy relationship.

consider how many of us can be powerhouses at work, confidently negotiating raises and leading teams, yet completely lose our footing in romantic relationships. the difference? in our careers, we're valued for what we do. in love, we're confronted with who we are — complete with every flaw, mistake, and unwanted thought we've ever had.

this self-awareness often traps us in unhealthy patterns. when our need for someone else's validation outweighs our self-love, we might stay in relationships that follow an exhausting cycle: fighting, making up, experiencing blissful reconciliation, then fighting again. those moments of renewed closeness feel so relieving that we convince ourselves they're enough, even when they're not.

you don't need perfect self-love before entering a relationship, but you do need enough to know you deserve genuine care and respect. in fact, you can and should grow in self-love while in a healthy relationship — the key word being "healthy."

start by challenging yourself to meet your core needs through specific daily practices. create a "comfort menu" of five-minute self-care activities you can turn to when stressed — like deep breathing, a quick walk, or listening to a favorite song. practice boundary-setting by saying "no" to one small thing each week that doesn't serve you. speak to yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a friend.

the most important relationship you'll ever have is with yourself. make it a good one.

a hard truth about lasting relationships: keeping the peace isn't the same as nurturing love. while many of us instinctively avoid difficult conversations, those uncomfortable moments of honesty — not to be confused with toxic arguments or abuse — are often exactly what our relationships need to thrive.

think about how many connections slowly erode because truths go unspoken. maybe you're the "go-with-the-flow" partner who never voices preferences about shared plans. or perhaps you're the eternally "nice" person who swallows disagreements to avoid appearing confrontational. these masks might feel safer, but they prevent genuine connection. after all, how can someone love you if they never truly know how you feel?

the cost of withholding truth compounds over time. even relationships built on solid foundations can crumble under the weight of unspoken needs and accumulated resentments. cultural conditioning often plays a role here. some learn that self-assertion is unladylike. others internalize the message that expressing emotions makes them less masculine.

but speaking your truth doesn't require confrontation. it can be as simple as saying "i'd prefer italian food tonight" instead of "whatever you want." or "i felt hurt when you interrupted me earlier" rather than silently nursing resentment. the key is expressing yourself clearly while maintaining respect for both parties.

when difficult conversations arise, try this approach: name your feelings without accusation. "i feel overwhelmed." invite dialogue. "can we talk about this?" be willing to pause if emotions run high. "let's take a breather and revisit this in an hour." remember, every truth spoken with care is an investment in deeper intimacy.

being your best self isn't just about the honeymoon phase. sure, that's when we naturally shine — planning creative dates, staying curious about our partner, saying yes to new adventures. but maintaining that energy is what separates lasting love from fleeting romance.

many of us fall into comfortable patterns as relationships progress. we text less thoughtfully. skip date nights. stop making an effort with our appearance. while this might feel natural, it sends a clear message: i take your presence in my life for granted.

we all have a higher self and a lower self. your higher self is patient, understanding, and emotionally mature. your lower self emerges when triggered — perhaps when your partner is running late or forgets an important date. that's when self-awareness becomes your relationship superpower. instead of immediately reacting with anger or withdrawal, you can learn to pause and respond from your best self.

try this: identify your relationship triggers and typical reactions. do you shut down during disagreements? get defensive when receiving feedback? notice where you hold tension in your body during these moments. create a simple reset routine — a brief walk, a deep breath, a glass of water. this small pause can help you return to your higher self.

the goal isn't perfection. everyone gets triggered sometimes. the key is building the awareness to recognize these moments and the tools to return to your best self quickly. remember: your most authentic, highest self is always available to you — it just takes practice to stay connected to it.

you can't convince someone to love you. period. despite what romantic comedies suggest, love isn't a prize to be won through grand gestures or personal transformation. if someone doesn't love you, no amount of proving your worth will change that fundamental reality.

this truth becomes painfully clear in situationships — those undefined relationships where one person holds back while the other hopes for more. think of someone spending months trying to prove they deserve commitment, neglecting friends and interests while analyzing every text for hidden meaning. the tragic irony? all that energy spent trying to win someone's love could be invested in building a life rich enough to walk away from half-measures.

we fall into these patterns for complex reasons. maybe we've absorbed toxic beliefs about deserving only partial commitment. perhaps we watched parents or friends constantly trying to prove their lovability. sometimes we're simply lonely, letting an unfulfilling connection fill the void where community should be. or maybe we're bored, using relationship drama as a shortcut to an interesting life.

when you catch yourself trying to earn someone's love, try these strategies: set a firm two-month limit on undefined relationships. create a "full life" schedule that leaves just two evenings a week for dating. write down every time you compromise your values to please someone — then do the opposite. most importantly, practice saying this mantra when tempted to prove your worth: "if i have to convince you, it's already a no." most importantly, reconnect with your own worth, by tending relationships, passions, and ambitions. this will give you the confidence to name your needs and walk away from anyone unwilling or unable to meet them .

remember: someone's capacity to love you isn't a reflection of your lovability. it's simply their capacity.

finding lasting love starts with letting go of a pervasive myth: that someone else will complete us. while relationships can enrich our lives, they can't fill our inner emptiness or heal our deepest wounds.

the honeymoon phase often reinforces this illusion. when everything feels magical, it's tempting to believe your partner's love will fix all your problems. but even the most compatible partner comes with their own flaws and struggles. expecting them to be your salvation only sets both of you up for disappointment.

this rescue fantasy shows up in different ways. some people cycle through relationships, always searching for that perfect someone who'll make everything right. others cast themselves as the rescuer, only dating those who need "fixing." if you find yourself playing therapist more than partner, or if you're drawn to someone's potential rather than who they are now, you're likely falling into this trap.

the path forward isn't about becoming completely self-sufficient. rather, it's about building a rich life where romance enhances rather than completes you. so, how do you do that?.

try these practical steps: before dating anyone new, make a list of three non-romantic goals you're actively pursuing. schedule time each week to work on these. work on your own projects instead of making your partner into one. and when you catch yourself playing rescuer, ask: "would i still want to date this person if they never changed?" if the answer is no, well… you know what to do.

your relationship patterns often trace back to your earliest bonds — those with your parents. these foundational relationships shape how you give and receive love, whether you realize it or not.

early dynamics replay themselves in adult relationships in subtle ways. a person whose emotional needs were consistently dismissed might choose partners who are emotionally unavailable. someone who grew up walking on eggshells around a volatile parent might become a perpetual peacekeeper in relationships, avoiding necessary conflict.

but family history isn't destiny. some people develop what psychologists call "earned secure attachment" — they actively create healthy relationship patterns despite difficult beginnings. this often happens through conscious choice, therapy, or exposure to positive relationship models through friends or mentors. a child of chaotic parents might become exceptionally stable in relationships precisely because they've analyzed and rejected those early patterns.

making peace doesn't necessarily mean achieving perfect harmony with your parents. sometimes it means grieving the parent you wished you had while accepting the one you got. write a letter to your parents (you don't have to send it) expressing everything you needed to hear as a child. practice seeing them as complex humans who had their own unmet needs and struggles. set clear, kind boundaries — like limiting phone calls to once a week if daily calls drain you. if possible, have adult conversations about your shared history, leading with curiosity rather than accusation: "i'm trying to understand our family patterns better. what was your relationship with your parents like?"

the goal isn't to erase the past but to prevent it from controlling your future relationships.

in this chapter to it begins with you by jillian turecki, you’ve learned that lasting love requires inner work and self-awareness, as you are the common denominator in all your relationships. 

true connection goes beyond surface attraction and involves accepting both yourself and your partner while communicating honestly. growth comes from facing uncomfortable truths, including making peace with your past, recognizing that no one can complete you, and understanding that love cannot be forced or won.

okay, that’s it for this chapter. we hope you enjoyed it. if you can, please take the time to leave us a rating – we always appreciate your feedback. see you in the next chapter!