The Danish Way of Parenting

danish parenting practices may hold the key to understanding why denmark consistently tops oecd studies as home to the “happiest people in the world.” their distinctive approach to raising children – which produces emotionally secure, resilient, and contented individuals who carry these qualities into adulthood – can be understood through the illuminating acronym parent: play, authenticity, reframing, empathy, no ultimatums, and togetherness. these six foundational elements form the backbone of a child-rearing philosophy that sets danish parenting apart and potentially explains the nation’s remarkable levels of well-being.

this chapter will walk you through each of these core parenting values, and share practical tips to help you inject a little danish influence into your own parenting style.

when was the last time you heard a parent simply say their child was going to “play” on the weekend? not play soccer, attend ballet class, or participate in an organized playdate – just play. over the past fifty years in the united states, unstructured playtime has dramatically decreased, replaced by screen time, organized activities, and heightened parental caution. while ballet recitals and sports medals provide tangible evidence of achievement, we might be overlooking something far more valuable: the development of resilience, which has been identified as one of the most crucial factors for adult success and mental health.

denmark recognized the importance of play early on. in 1871, visionaries niels and erna juel-hansen established the first play-based educational pedagogy, a philosophy that continues to shape danish education today. danish children under ten finish school at 2:00 p.m. and enter skolefritidsordning (free time school), where they engage in unstructured play. this approach aligns with the concept of proximal development, where children naturally push themselves to achieve tasks just beyond their current abilities – like a child determined to master the monkey bars at their own pace.

the evolutionary significance of play is striking. studies of young chimps reveal that “stressful” activities like chase games actually help their brains better manage stress later in life. similarly, human children develop crucial problem-solving skills through free play, whether navigating social conflicts or testing physical limits. during these experiences, children inherently calibrate appropriate levels of challenge, managing both physical and social stressors on their own terms.

this philosophy is embodied in denmark’s most successful toy export, lego (from leg godt, danish for “play well”), which began as simple blocks encouraging open-ended creativity. parents can foster this kind of meaningful play by creating enriching environments without micromanaging: provide diverse, sensory-stimulating materials, allow mixed-age play, and resist the urge to intervene when children face manageable risks or conflicts. the goal isn’t to orchestrate every moment but to create space for exploration and natural learning – trusting that children will develop crucial life skills through the freedom to play on their own terms.

the contrast between disney’s the little mermaid and hans christian andersen’s original danish tale reveals something fundamental about danish culture. while disney’s version ends with wedding bells, andersen’s mermaid dies of heartbreak – a seemingly harsh ending that reflects the danish capacity to tolerate emotional complexities. this acceptance of difficult feelings forms the cornerstone of danish parenting: emotional authenticity.

danish parents understand that children don’t need perfect parents; they need real ones. rather than maintaining a façade of constant happiness, danish parents allow their children to witness them processing genuine emotions – anger, frustration, sadness – in healthy ways. this approach, while potentially challenging in the moment, helps children develop a more nuanced understanding of emotional life and avoid the trap of self-deception.

this authenticity extends to how danish parents praise their children. while an american parent might reflexively declare a child’s drawing “amazing,” a danish parent is more likely to ask, “what is it? why did you choose those colors?” this approach, known as process praise, focuses on effort and strategy rather than outcome. it nurtures a growth mindset, where children understand that abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work, rather than a fixed mindset that suggests talents are innate and unchangeable.

the benefits of process praise are significant. when children hear “you must have worked hard on this” instead of “you’re so talented,” they learn to value effort over natural ability. this mindset helps them become more resilient when facing challenges and more likely to persist through difficulties, understanding that struggle is a natural part of learning rather than a sign of inadequacy.

to implement authentic parenting, danish parents focus on several key practices: maintaining honest self-awareness, providing age-appropriate but truthful answers to difficult questions, and sharing stories that encompass the full spectrum of human emotions – not just the happy endings. by making praise thoughtful and specific rather than automatic, they help their children develop a realistic sense of their abilities and potential for growth. this emotional honesty, while sometimes challenging, creates stronger, more resilient family relationships.

ask a dane about their notoriously dreary weather, and you might be surprised by responses like “lucky i’m not on holiday!” or “perfect night to get cozy with family!” this seemingly simple habit of finding silver linings reveals a core principle of danish parenting: the art of reframing. rather than denying reality, danish parents excel at helping their children see challenging situations from fresh perspectives.

the science behind reframing is compelling. a stanford university study demonstrated its power with phobia patients; those who were guided to reframe their experiences showed reduced fear and panic during exposure to their phobias, with benefits persisting long after the study. this neurological tool works because our thoughts directly influence our feelings, creating a powerful feedback loop.

danish parents apply this understanding by helping children reframe challenging situations. a dark, stormy night becomes an opportunity for indoor camping adventures. a difficult math problem transforms from “i can’t do this” to “i haven’t figured it out yet.” a rainy day that cancels outdoor plans becomes a chance to discover new indoor activities.

however, reframing goes beyond simple positivity – it’s about dismantling limiting beliefs and negative storylines. when parents habitually say things like “he’s so messy” or “she’s shy,” these labels can become self-fulfilling prophecies. danish parents instead practice externalizing issues. rather than “she’s lazy,” they might say “she’s experiencing a moment of low energy,” and then explore underlying reasons like insufficient sleep or overwhelming schedules.

the key to successful reframing lies in acknowledging reality while finding constructive perspectives. when a child struggles in a sports game, danish parents might say, “your defense was great today, and with practice, your scoring will improve too!” this approach doesn’t deny the challenge but highlights both existing strengths and the potential for growth. they transform “stubborn” into “determined” and “can’t focus” into “energetic,” creating narratives that empower rather than limit.

this practice begins with parents examining their own thought patterns and limiting beliefs, modeling how to rewrite negative storylines into more balanced, constructive perspectives. by avoiding absolute statements like “always” and “never,” danish parents help their children develop resilience and adaptability – skills essential for navigating life’s inevitable challenges.

while american culture often celebrates individual achievement and competitive success, danish society is built on fundamentally different values – prioritizing collective well-being and strong social support systems. this contrast is particularly striking given recent studies showing that empathy among young americans has declined by almost 50 percent. the danish approach offers valuable insights into nurturing this crucial human capacity.

the foundation of danish social structure is empathy – the ability to recognize and understand others’ feelings, even when they differ from our own. research shows that humans are naturally wired for this connection; studies of 18-month-old infants reveal that even babies instinctively try to help adults they see struggling with tasks. this innate capacity for empathy, which evolutionarily enabled human cooperation and survival, is carefully cultivated in danish society.

danish schools actively teach empathy through programs like step by step, where children learn to identify and understand both their own emotions and those of others. unlike many educational systems that separate high-achieving students, danish schools intentionally mix children of different ability levels, fostering collaboration and mutual understanding rather than competition.

the development of empathy begins at home, where two extremes can inhibit its growth: families that fail to model care and concern for each other, and those that overprotect their children from experiencing and processing difficult emotions. danish parents navigate a middle path, demonstrating empathy in daily life while allowing children to encounter and work through challenging feelings.

the benefits of this approach extend far beyond childhood. empathetic children often grow into adults who build stronger relationships, demonstrate better leadership skills, and show greater resilience in facing life’s challenges. they’re more likely to succeed professionally and personally, as emotional intelligence becomes increasingly valued in our interconnected world.

to nurture empathy, danish parents focus on several key practices: actively modeling compassionate responses to others’ struggles, helping children label and understand emotions, and reading together – an activity shown to significantly boost empathy. they also create social environments that reinforce empathetic behavior by connecting with other families who share these values, understanding that empathy, like any skill, grows stronger through consistent practice and positive reinforcement.

when exhausted and overwhelmed, it’s tempting to resort to parenting shortcuts: “eat your dinner or no dessert!” “clean your room right now or no tv for a week!” “because i said so!” yet danish parents deliberately avoid such ultimatums, embracing instead a democratic approach to child-rearing that emphasizes mutual respect and collaborative problem-solving.

this philosophy extends beyond the home into danish schools, where rules often emerge from teacher-student collaboration rather than being imposed from above. this proactive approach focuses on preventing conflicts rather than punishing infractions, reflecting a core danish value: differentiere, or differentiation. this principle recognizes that each child is unique, with distinct needs and challenges. for instance, students who struggle with focus might receive fidget tools or inflatable cushions – accommodations that help them succeed on their own terms.

breaking free from ultimatum-based parenting starts with liberating ourselves from concerns about others’ judgments. danish parents choose their battles based on core values rather than social expectations. whether a toddler wears a tutu to the park becomes less important than ensuring they understand fundamental principles like safety and respect.

when addressing essential issues, danish parents employ several strategies to avoid power struggles. instead of yelling at a child who throws toys, they might demonstrate how throwing can hurt others, perhaps playfully miming “ow-ow” with young children, then return the toy once understanding is reached. with food, they offer nutritious meals without forcing children to clean their plates. rules are explained rather than simply imposed: “we wear seatbelts to keep our bodies safe,” rather than “because i said so!”

this approach requires distinguishing between the child and their behavior – there are no “bad children,” only challenging behaviors that need understanding and guidance. instead of asking “how can i win this battle?” danish parents seek win-win solutions: “i see you’re not ready for bed yet. would you like to read one more story together first?”

success with this method requires parents to align on which issues truly matter, stay calm during challenging moments, and remember that every child’s behavior occurs within a broader context of their experiences and emotions.

at the heart of danish family life lies a profound commitment to togetherness, embodied in the cultural concept of hygge. while often mistranslated simply as “cozy,” hygge represents something deeper: intentional, warm togetherness that strengthens family bonds and builds emotional resilience. this isn’t just feel-good philosophy – research shows that quality family time reduces stress, improves mental health, and helps children develop stronger social skills.

hygge in danish families might mean gathering around a homemade meal, playing board games by candlelight, or simply reading together on a rainy afternoon. the key isn’t the activity itself but the mindful presence and shared experience. to achieve true hygge, family members learn to set aside individual concerns for the good of the group – a value that danish children encounter early in their education.

this collaborative spirit is evident in danish adventure playgrounds, where children must work together to build structures, navigate obstacles, and create games. these playgrounds become microcosms of danish social values, teaching children to recognize and utilize each other’s strengths and support one another’s weaknesses.

the tradition of communal connection extends to denmark’s centuries-old choral singing practice.  

this commitment to togetherness even shapes how denmark supports new parents. beyond regular midwife visits, new mothers are connected with other local mothers, forming support groups that often last well beyond the baby years. this system recognizes that parenting thrives in community, not isolation.

to cultivate hygge in family life, danish parents follow several principles: keep activities simple, reframe stressful situations as opportunities for connection, prioritize togetherness over individual achievement, minimize screen distractions, and encourage free play. above all, they approach family as a team sport, where everyone’s participation matters and success means enjoying each other’s company rather than achieving specific outcomes.

this intention to create warm, shared experiences provides a sturdy foundation for family life, fostering the emotional security that helps danish children become some of the happiest in the world.

in this chapter to the danish way of parenting by jessica joelle alexander and iben dissing sandahl, you’ve learned that danish parenting prioritizes unstructured play, emotional honesty, and collective well-being over individual achievement. the approach emphasizes creating resilient children through methods like embracing authentic emotions, finding constructive perspectives in challenges, and fostering genuine empathy through active teaching and modeling. at its heart, danish parenting cultivates strong family bonds through hygge (intentional togetherness) while avoiding power struggles, instead opting for collaborative problem-solving and democratic approaches to guidance.

okay, that’s it for this chapter. we hope you enjoyed it. if you can, please take the time to leave us a rating – we always appreciate your feedback. see you in the next chapter.