Ross W. Greene

The Explosive Child

Parenting

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Parenting17 min read

The Explosive Child

by Ross W. Greene

A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

Published: April 12, 2023

4.3 (119 ratings)

Read Summary

what’s in it for me? address the social, emotional, and behavioral troubles of children prone to extreme outbursts.

a different perspective on an old problem

finding out what’s really going on

the three options when dealing with explosive behavior

going with plan b

define your concerns and invite a solution

final summary

Book Summary

This is a comprehensive summary of “The Explosive Child” by Ross W. Greene. The book explores a new approach for understanding and parenting easily frustrated, chronically inflexible children.

Introduction

ross w. greene.

the explosive child.

a new approach for understanding and parenting easily frustrated, chronically inflexible children.

jennifer is a healthy 12-year-old girl, for the most part.

this morning she wakes up as normal and happily goes downstairs for breakfast.

here she opens a six-pack of waffles, takes out three for now and puts the rest back.

she'll eat those ones tomorrow.

soon her parents come down and join her.

everything is fine.

until her brother comes into the kitchen and reaches for the remaining waffles.

kaboom!

jennifer loses it.

she screams at her brother that he can't have the waffles, flinging her plate off the table.

her father, his patience worn thin by many such outbursts, screams back at her to go to her room.

her brother runs out crying, her mother slumps with her head in her hands.

after all the punishment, motivation and parenting books, this keeps happening.

sound familiar?

if you're the parent of an explosive child, you know the patterns.

routine tasks, like brushing teeth or putting on pyjamas, become stressful minefields to navigate, ending in crying, screaming, biting or hitting.

chances are you've read plenty of books or seen plenty of specialists, but no amount of sticker rewards or timeouts seems to make any difference.

this chapter is here to help.

you're going to learn about a groundbreaking and compassionate approach to handling these children and their severe outbursts by addressing the root of the behaviour rather than the behaviour itself.

whether you're an overwhelmed parent or a frustrated teacher, grandparent or other caregiver, it's never too late to apply these skills and improve the life of you and your child.

a different perspective on an old problem.

a different perspective on an old problem#

think back to your child's last outburst.

what happened?

how did you handle it?

you've probably been given a lot of advice from well-meaning therapists or self-help books.

give clearer commands and refuse to back down.

pay attention to good behaviour and ignore the bad.

give rewards, such as stickers or toys, and punishments like timeouts or loss of privileges.

here's the thing about consequences.

if they were going to work, they would have by now.

it's safe to say that your kid loves rewards and hates punishment.

the first thing you're going to have to do is change your perspective on the problem.

it's not a motivation issue.

so what's going on?

conventional wisdom says that children do well if they want to, hence the rewards and punishment.

however, a better line of thinking is children do well if they are able to.

your child isn't unmotivated.

no, your child is lacking certain skills, skills that a lot of children and most adults are born with or learn easily enough.

these are things like problem solving, flexibility, adaptability, tolerance for frustration and the ability to regulate emotions.

when a child is expected to do something for which they simply don't have the skills, the results can be, well, explosive.

whether it's having to stop playing or not having the cereal they want, these unmet expectations can be a great source of frustration for children.

so they scream, they kick, they explode.

and when the kid realises that they're now going to lose a reward or receive a punishment for their behaviour, it only adds fuel to the fire.

children do well if they are able to.

keep this in mind when addressing your child's behaviour.

think of these lagging skills and unmet expectations as unsolved problems that you are now going to define and deal with.

luckily there's a great tool for doing just that.

the assessment of lagging skills and unsolved problems, alsop for short, is a free questionnaire and checklist available online that you can use to pinpoint why your child is behaving the way they are.

in the next section you'll learn how to identify these lagging skills and unsolved problems so you can start constructively addressing your child's difficulties.

finding out what’s really going on#

finding out what's really going on.

she's manipulating us.

he just wants attention.

she's making bad choices.

ever find yourself saying this to yourself or your partner when your child's going through an episode?

if you're sticking with the premise that children do well when they are able to, statements like these are not only untrue, they're unfair.

by defining your child's lagging skills and unsolved problems, you can find the language to talk about these stressful situations in a productive way.

start by listing the lagging skills.

maybe your child has difficulty maintaining focus, solving problems or shifting to a new plan or activity.

all children are different, but by observing what skills your child's lacking, you can start being more accurate in understanding their difficulties and not take it personally.

this sets the foundation for the most important thing you'll be working with, the unsolved problems.

think about all the times your child has had a meltdown.

the causes might have been trivial, but they were probably not random.

brushing teeth, playing video games, getting ready for school.

think of specific situations for which you find yourself mentally preparing.

these situations will be the focus of the unsolved problems.

the wording is important because it's what you're going to use when communicating with your child.

there are a few guidelines to follow.

firstly, don't make any reference to the problematic behaviour.

kicks and screams when getting dressed is a bad unsolved problem.

difficulty putting on clothes is a good one.

all unsolved problems should start with the word difficulty followed by a verb.

difficulty doing math homework.

difficulty sitting still while having dinner.

the second rule is that the wording shouldn't contain any theories or solutions of your own.

difficulty doing homework because she is lazy isn't useful.

first, chances are you're wrong and second, you're going to want to give your kid a chance to explain what's going on.

the three options when dealing with explosive behavior#

suzie does not like doing her english homework.

the thought of it can send her into a tantrum and most of the time when she sits down to do it, it ends with thrown pencils and ripped up paper.

her parents have identified her unsolved problem as difficulty completing her english homework.

they have three options, all of which have a time and a place but one of which is preferable to the other two.

the first option we'll call plan a because it is the first one that most parents go to.

here, the decision is made unilaterally by the adults and the kid gets no input.

this sounds like, i've decided that since you have difficulty doing your english homework, there'll be no tv until it's finished.

you might call this parental control but mostly it just creates frustration, not helpful for a kid having difficulty meeting expectations.

with plan a, you're solving problems by using power which doesn't always get results and if it does, they're not always long-lasting.

so is there ever a time for plan a?

it's good in emergencies if a child is endangering themselves, about to jump in front of a car or grab a pot of boiling water, then definitely make the executive decision and stop them in whatever way you can.

but if they are regularly doing things like this, maybe a different plan is in order.

that's plan b. this involves collaborating with your child to come up with a solution together.

sounds counterintuitive, right?

you're the parent, so you should be in charge.

rest assured, you will still be in charge when using plan b, maybe even more than you were.

the only problem is plan b can be hard to do properly.

luckily, there are some very specific instructions which we'll cover in the next sections.

but first, let's take a quick look at plan c.

this basically means setting aside the problem for a while.

you're not ignoring it, you're just prioritising.

it's unreasonable to try to solve 15 different problems at once, so it's ok to say, you don't have to eat at the table tonight, or we can work on the homework another time.

your child was already failing to meet those expectations.

taking the pressure off isn't going to change anything.

pick your battles.

finally, all these plans can be implemented reactively, in the heat of the tantrum or meltdown, or proactively, when everyone is calm, before the problematic situation has started.

it's always better to be proactive when you can, when nobody's emotions are getting the better of them.

so these are your plans, and as you may have guessed, the best results are going to come from plan b.

why?

let's dive into that.

going with plan b when your child is in the heat of an explosive episode, have you ever wished that you could just get inside their head, understand their thought process, then work out a solution together?

going with plan b#

that's exactly what you'll do when you commit to plan b.

first, decide on a couple of unsolved problems that you want to prioritise, and put the others on the back burner with plan c.

there are three steps you'll need to work through, each of which is crucial to the problem-solving process.

first comes the empathy step.

here you'll be getting information from your child to understand why they're having difficulty meeting the expectation.

you need to be able to listen to your child, and they need to feel heard.

if they have a voice, they won't have to scream.

approach this step with an open mind and no assumptions.

even if you think you know what's wrong, you can't be sure.

the phrase is, i've noticed that, or, what's up, are your friends?

use the unsolved problem wording you came up with earlier.

i've noticed that you have difficulty finishing your english homework.

what's up?

or, i've noticed it's difficult for you to brush your teeth before bed.

what's up?

a few things can happen when you address your child like this.

first off, they might be a bit shocked.

a lot of parents don't ask about what their child's thinking, so they might be confused or unprepared.

they might not even really know what's wrong.

if they shut down or get defensive, that's fine.

give them space to think, tell them they're not in trouble, and come back to it later.

on the other hand, they might actually give you a response.

even something like, the homework's too hard, or, i hate doing it, is a response you can work with.

now it's time to carefully drill for information.

this involves practice and patience.

there are some techniques you can use.

reflective listening is a useful strategy.

just repeat the child's response back to them with, how so?

or, i don't understand.

this often gets more details.

ask open-ended questions.

how?

what?

why?

where?

what don't you like about your homework?

try asking about different situations.

why do they only have trouble with their homework in the evening or on weekends, for example?

with a bit of careful questioning and patient listening, you could go from, my homework is too hard, to, i can't think of the right words to start my paragraphs, or, i'm too tired on thursday nights because of hockey practice.

the important thing is not to dismiss what the child says or jump in with your adult-enforced plan a solutions.

when you have the root of the problem, you're ready to continue with the final two steps.

define your concerns and invite a solution.

define your concerns and invite a solution#

you can't believe it.

your child, whom you've seen biting and screaming at the thought of doing their homework, has just told you that they have trouble finding the words to start their essays, or they hate the taste of toothpaste, or they don't like getting ready for school because the bus driver is scary.

it's time for you to enter the next step of plan b.

defining adult concerns.

some parents spend so long trying to solve a problem, they don't stop to think about why it's important in the first place.

think about why you want your child to do their homework or brush their teeth.

why is it important that this expectation be met?

the reasons normally relate to how the problem affects the child or those around them.

use phrases like, the thing is, or, my concern is.

it could sound like this.

my concern is that if you don't do your homework, then you won't get any practice and then it will always be hard for you.

when both you and your child have shared your concerns, only then can you move on to the final step, inviting them to find a solution.

the key is working collaboratively.

start by recapping both of your concerns so everyone's on the same page, then ask if your child has any ideas for a solution.

a good way to say this might be, i wonder if there's a way to help you find the words to start your english homework and still make sure you get some practice at it on your own.

what do you think?

make sure that when entering the invitation step, you don't already have a solution in mind.

however, the solution you come up with does have to be realistic and satisfactory for both sides.

to continue the homework example, writing the start of the essay for your child might be good for them but not for you.

likewise, telling them to just sit down and do it only really works for you if it works at all.

be sure to confirm with the child that they're okay with the solution and be prepared to discuss and change it until everyone is happy.

encourage ideas of your own but don't force anything.

this is an ongoing process and it takes practice.

common pitfalls include skipping the empathy step and jumping straight to finding a solution or settling for solutions that are not completely mutually satisfactory.

with some patience, empathy and compassion, you can start working together toward a future that's better for everyone.

the main takeaway of this chapter to the explosive child by ross w. green is that kids do well if they're able to.

final summary#

Conclusion

a child's behavioural and emotional problems are not necessarily due to lack of motivation.

no amount of reward or punishment is going to change the fact that they are frustrated or overwhelmed by an inability to meet an expectation.

an unsolved problem caused by lagging emotional or problem-solving skills.

by adjusting your approach, you can work collaboratively with your child to solve these problems.

find out what's going on by empathetically engaging with them, then explain your concerns and invite them to come up with a mutually beneficial solution.

kids do well if they're able to and so do parents.

with a bit of effort, you can make a better life for you and your child.

thanks so much for listening to this chapter.

please leave us a rating or a comment.

we always appreciate your feedback.

see you next time.

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