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Sex & Relationships21 min read
Single, Dating, Engaged, Married
by Ben Stuart
Navigating Life and Love in the Modern Age
Published: February 2, 2024
2.6 (88 ratings)
Table of Contents
1
what’s in it for me? relevant and timeless relationship wisdom for christians.2
when you’re looking for love and acceptance, look first to god3
there’s a reason for the season of singleness4
date with purpose5
engagement is about preparing for a life together, not merely planning a wedding6
live your marriage as a mission7
final summaryBook Summary
This is a comprehensive summary of “Single, Dating, Engaged, Married” by Ben Stuart. The book explores navigating life and love in the modern age.
what’s in it for me? relevant and timeless relationship wisdom for christians.#
Introduction
ben stuart, single, dating, engaged, married, navigating life and love in the modern age whether you're single, dating, engaged or married, ben stuart's book aims to help all christians in their efforts to navigate life and love in the modern age.
from single believers who use the gift of singledom to build intimacy with god, to those dating or engaged who are seeking biblical guidance on connecting with partners, this chapter provides a roadmap for reflecting on your own unique spiritual journey.
with a blend of personal anecdotes, cultural observations and biblical teachings, ben stuart draws upon scriptural wisdom and his own experiences to address the joys and challenges of each relationship phase.
above all, single, dating, engaged, married serves as a reminder that god, the lover of all souls, can fill our deepest needs while also providing keys to unlocking human love and intimacy that aligns with divine truth.
when you’re looking for love and acceptance, look first to god#
when you're looking for love and acceptance, look first to god if you're at all familiar with scuba diving, you'll know that sometimes things can go wrong underwater.
that's why divers have a buddy system.
in the event that you or your buddy's oxygen tank malfunctions, the following is what you're supposed to do.
take turns breathing from the mouthpiece of the functioning oxygen tank while slowly making your way to the water's surface.
but here's what often actually happens.
fear sets in, the divers begin fighting over the oxygen, and finally resurface in a panic.
when we feel resources like oxygen in our example are plentiful, we can act generously and compassionately toward one another.
but when we feel these resources are in short supply, we adopt a scarcity mindset.
in this mindset, it's difficult to be a good partner.
the same principle applies to romantic relationships.
when we feel resources like love and connection are plentiful, it's easy to be a generous, empathic, responsive partner.
but when we feel they are scarce, that's a whole different story.
finding lasting love starts with understanding that we're all beloved children of god.
when we open our hearts to receive god's unconditional love and acceptance, we're filled in a way that no human relationship can replicate.
from this place of spiritual fullness, we're able to approach romantic connections from a perspective of abundance rather than lack.
the search for a life partner is often framed as trying to find the missing piece, someone who will finally make us feel whole.
but true wholeness comes from knowing that we're fully known and loved by our creator.
this spiritual foundation sets the stage for healthy dating and partnerships.
consider this story from the gospel of john about jesus meeting a samaritan woman at a well.
she had pursued love through multiple relationships, all of which had left her empty and wanting more.
but jesus offered her living water, a metaphor for the only love that can fully satisfy the longings of the human heart.
all human love is meant to be a reflection of divine love, and when we receive and understand god's affection for us, we gain the capacity to properly love others.
love's fire burns brightest when fueled by spiritual truth.
so how can we feel and receive god's love?
first, by accepting the reality that god cherishes us beyond measure, without qualification.
there is nothing we can do to make god adore us more or less.
then we recognize that god's affection, while invisible, is not imperceptible.
god's love shows up in our lives constantly if we have eyes to see it.
love sends the very best of itself, so god sent jesus out of profound love for humanity.
love sacrifices without limit, so jesus gave his life to redeem all people, and love persists through all storms.
so, god faithfully abides with us in every season of life.
when we know in our bones that we are beloved children of god, it transforms how we approach romantic connections.
and instead of desperation, we relate to others out of overflowing abundance.
instead of seeking love, we give love freely.
anchored in divine acceptance, we extend grace and compassion to every flawed and beautiful human being we encounter.
there’s a reason for the season of singleness#
there's a reason for the season of singleness not all gifts are satisfying at the moment we receive them.
think about an underwhelming pair of socks on christmas morning, for example.
but with time and experience, these gifts can show their true value to us.
when your old socks wear through, the value of those gifted socks—thick and warm and hole-free—is revealed.
one such gift is singleness.
when you're in your season of singleness, it might feel more like a burden than a gift.
you may resent being alone as you yearn for coupledom and lasting love.
but singleness is god's gift to you—the gift of time to establish and strengthen your relationship with him.
the season of singleness is a precious gift from god, as it allows us to devote ourselves fully to cultivating an intimate relationship with him without distraction.
the apostle paul says singleness enables undistracted devotion to the lord.
now, this doesn't mean it's impossible to follow jesus wholeheartedly when dating or married, but singleness offers unique freedoms we won't enjoy in the same way later on.
two major gifts singleness provides are 1. freedom from distraction and 2. freedom from anxiety.
when we're focused solely on the lord instead of pursuing romance, our minds and hearts can remain wholly fixed on god during worship, prayer, service, and time spent in his word.
the internal monologue that often accompanies interest in someone is silenced, enabling deeper connection with jesus.
even healthy marriages bring added concerns and stresses that can divert our attention.
questions about household responsibilities, children, finances, and meeting each other's needs all introduce worldly anxiety.
these freedoms of singleness are blessings for a season.
that's why scripture cautions against being reckless with them through aimless pursuits.
a recent study revealed the average young adult has played 10,000 hours of video games by age 21, the equivalent time investment required to earn a four-year university degree.
time can refresh us, but god wants us to steward this season wisely for his glory, not primarily for our own amusement.
so what are worthwhile ways to leverage singleness?
well, we can volunteer around the world to aid those in need since we have flexible schedules untethered to family obligations.
we can devote ourselves to intense study of godly wisdom so we can teach others later on.
we can spend extended time daily with jesus, meditating on his word and enjoying intimacy with him through prayer and worship.
and we can fully invest in our spiritual communities, helping lead others to know his grace and truth.
no one season of singleness is guaranteed to last, whether it is short or long.
but while we're in it, god wants us to embrace it as a gift to pour ourselves into pursuits that strengthen our connection with him and build his kingdom.
one day the distractions and stresses of love and marriage may redirect our attention.
but for now, undistracted devotion awaits.
let's devote these fleeting freedoms fully to the lover of our souls.
date with purpose#
date with purpose ah, dating.
it's all moonlight walks, romantic candlelit dinners, and thrilling conversations until it's not.
then it's all miscommunication, recriminations, confusion, and heartache.
there's a reason adele is a millionaire many times over.
and it's not just because of her powerhouse vocals.
it's because she sings about the pain and confusion of heartbreak in a way that resonates with anyone who's navigated the minefield of modern dating.
dating can feel risky, exposing our hearts to possible pain.
yet most of us yearn for the profound connection and love found in a life partner.
dating plays an essential role in that journey toward commitment.
but dating well amid modern complexities requires wisdom and discernment.
how can we engage in this process while protecting ourselves and others?
scripture offers helpful principles even without explicitly addressing modern dating.
take the proverbs depicting relationships gone awry.
one verse pictures life with a contentious partner as miserable as living on a roof corner.
another says a hot-tempered boyfriend lacks self-control like a city without walls left vulnerable.
the bible promotes self-awareness and evaluating a potential spouse's character.
picture finding love like runners racing toward god.
singles pursue him freely.
dating diverts attention to fellow racers, assessing compatibility.
attend less to surface traits and more to life direction.
does this person share your devotion to god?
if not, bless them as they run their own race.
then keep your eyes fixed on the lord.
seeking a soulmate means evaluating both character and chemistry.
good character reflects faith and values, while chemistry measures social, physical, and emotional connection.
character without chemistry leaves relationships stagnant.
chemistry without character foments conflict amid differing priorities.
ideal character entails a vibrant faith and life anchored in godly wisdom and love.
sharing religious beliefs matters deeply, including a common embrace of core christian doctrines beyond merely generalized faith.
partners should encourage each other's spiritual growth.
additionally, wise actions and loving attitudes reveal godliness.
chemistry requires theological compatibility, that is, a shared spiritual worldview.
social compatibility means enjoyable interactions beyond just romance.
physical and emotional chemistry fuels attraction and affection.
even vocational compatibility plays a role, ensuring couples align on major lifestyle decisions.
healthy relationships blend both character and chemistry.
avoid treating dating like shopping, as if seeking out the ideal set of measurements and traits.
this consumer approach objects, rather than connects, and rates humans according to wish lists, filtering people out mechanically.
it also adopts unrealistic expectations about human complexity and falsely assumes a static view of marriage spanning decades.
instead, embrace a companion mentality during dating.
seek a whole person, asking if you resonate with someone enough to walk life's joys and trials together.
relationships thrive when each person stops demanding satisfaction and starts giving of themselves.
love transforms when it flows from god-rooted security rather than expectations and need.
the path includes risk, but evaluate wisely and filter prayerfully.
seek genuine connection where christ's love shines through.
wisdom protects.
grace empowers us to journey with patience and hope.
engagement is about preparing for a life together, not merely planning a wedding#
engagement is about preparing for a life together, not merely planning a wedding.
wedding rings, gift registries, table settings.
engagement is a brief season.
it's a window of time between choosing your life partner and affirming your commitment to them at your wedding.
brief as this period of time is, though, it would be a mistake to spend it contemplating the minutiae of your wedding when you have a marriage to prepare for.
determining if your dating partner is truly the one to marry requires thoughtful evaluation across four key areas.
first, assess your commitment to working through challenges together.
are you both willing to persevere amidst hardship?
do you prioritize the relationship when apart by staying connected?
has initial attraction matured into deep and lasting adoration?
healthy marriage commitment withstands storms through tenacious teamwork.
second, examine how your communication skills have developed.
can you argue without contempt?
do you fight fair, avoiding silence or cruelty?
the real test comes when conflict escalates.
do you have strength to speak truth with love?
scripture reminds that gentle words bear sweet fruit.
diffusing disputes and speaking kindly signifies maturity.
third, ensure painful pasts and present struggles are brought into the light through confession and honesty.
just as withholding secrets erodes personal integrity in recovery groups, so too do relationships suffer when hiding shame and trauma from partners.
we all have scars and regrets, and the humility to share these deep places fosters intimacy.
fourth, invite community perspectives by seeking wisdom from mentors and role models.
as the book of proverbs teaches, abundant counsel safeguards through gaining outside insight.
over time, you may become the couple others turn to.
for now, listen and learn.
beyond assessing yourselves, also begin uniting the lives of those around you.
make an effort to get to know the people closest to your partner, be it their friends, family, or chosen family.
honor soon-to-be-in-laws by welcoming them into your joys and visions for the future.
show, through deed, the bible's call to value parents of spouses.
likewise, merge your financial visions.
map shared plans for managing debt, earning, giving, and saving.
marriage interweaves dreams and dollars in mutual quests toward goals.
clarity and agreement with your finances set firm foundations.
and finally, confirm your alignment on larger life journeys and purposes.
what dreams fill your hearts?
do these aspirations challenge and complete or conflict and compete?
couples strongest and happiest in marriage navigate toward the same horizon, empowering one another as kindred spirits.
evaluate thoroughly, merge completely, dream jointly, and walk hand-in-hand toward horizons glowing with possibilities.
then, lifelong love awaits your discovery.
live your marriage as a mission#
live your marriage as a mission achieving real freedom doesn't equate to living without boundaries and limits.
it equates to freely pursuing your purpose.
a fish is most free when it's swimming, a bird when it's flying.
a marriage reaches its purpose when both partners work together on a mission to pursue god.
marriage symbolizes profound spiritual truths.
god designed the marital union of husband and wife to reflect christ's relationship with the church.
this metaphor contains insight about achieving unity through godly love.
consider the bible's instruction that wives submit to husbands as to the lord.
modern readers often bristle at the concept of submission between spouses.
however, the original meaning does not imply domination or servitude.
rather, it asks wives to willingly come under a husband's care and leadership.
this cooperative dance requires both leading and following for harmonious execution.
a wise general listens to soldiers in the field, though responsibility for strategy rests with commanders.
and even jesus, though fully divine, submitted during his earthly life to human parents in accordance with god's family order.
wives submit by embracing god's design for marriage.
this does not prevent wives from exerting influence, pursuing dreams, or voicing perspectives.
a wife still engages actively.
however, she trusts in her husband's leadership.
when his direction aligns with moral wisdom, she lends support through words and actions instead of resisting or competing.
this lays the groundwork for unified progress guided through loving authority.
for husbands, scripture calls them to unconditional, sacrificial love.
on even difficult days, paul says husbands must actively move toward wives instead of passively withdrawing.
what should this initiation resemble in everyday contexts?
husbands demonstrate leadership by pursuing intimacy through planned dates, undivided attention, and resolving conflicts.
they initiate spiritual growth by taking responsibility for family worship, bible engagement, service projects, and mentoring next generations in the faith.
rather than dodging domestic duties, godly husbands proactively steward household needs and manage resources wisely.
they also listen carefully to their wives' ideas, create space for dreams, and honor giftings.
the dance knits two distinct but equal roles into one flesh.
wives conduct themselves trustingly under loving leadership.
husbands lovingly lay down themselves through leadership.
when gracefully intertwined, marriage displays the gospel's transformative power.
final summary#
Conclusion
in this link to single, dating, engaged, married by ben stewart, you've learned that god's unconditional love fills and frees us to love others.
embrace singleness to devote yourself to spiritual intimacy.
date wisely by evaluating character and connection.
during engagement, prepare for marriage, not just the wedding.
the strongest marriages are formed when a man and a woman live on mission together.
okay, that's it for this chapter.
thanks so much for listening, and if you can, please leave us a rating or comment.
we always appreciate your feedback, and see you in the next chapter.
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