Passionista

ian kerner, phd.

passionista.

the empowered woman's guide to pleasuring a man.

since you're here, it's probably safe to say you have a couple questions regarding male sexuality and satisfaction.

it's a complex subject, and there are lots of physical, emotional, and psychological aspects to understand about it.

we're here to help.

in this chapter to ian kerner's passionista, we'll answer your most dire questions regarding what it takes to please a man.

maybe you're sexually inexperienced and are curious about how to start.

or maybe your sex life with your partner isn't great and you want to unlock the secret to engaging with him on a deeper level.

the contents of this guide are not a knock on you and your ability to please a man.

it's not about what you're doing wrong.

instead, take these tips as a way to expand your knowledge about how male bodies work, to master new techniques you can use in bed, and to connect with your partner more emotionally.

just a quick heads up that we'll be discussing pretty explicit sexual content in this chapter.

so if you're not comfortable with that, or if there are children present, proceed with caution.

the male body it goes without saying, but to sexually please your man, you kind of have to know your way around the male body.

the penis typically gets all the attention.

but did you know that a man's entire body is actually the key to unlocking a fully embodied sexual experience?

throughout their lives, men are used to protecting their genitals, and for good reason.

but they often develop the habit of pulling in their pelvic region, which leads to a constant state of tension.

this tension prevents men from experiencing a truly exciting sexual experience.

instead, sex can feel rehearsed, predictable, and emotionally hollow.

the key here is to help your partner open up his pelvic region, which will provide a better sexual experience for both sides.

so how do you do this?

it all starts with foreplay, the stage that precedes sexual intercourse and builds arousal.

it's common for men to rush toward orgasm.

this is a habit they develop as they're growing up.

constantly feeling rushed damages their psychosexual development.

many men tend to focus too much on how they're performing rather than being fully immersed in the experience.

the trick then is to help them slow down and relax.

to show them that they can enjoy the journey, that they don't have to rush to the destination.

to teach them to make love not just with their penis, but their whole self.

becoming familiar with the male erogenous areas will help you achieve this.

the most common areas of sensitivity include the neck, the lower abdomen near the navel, and inner thighs.

then, of course, there's the penis.

more specifically, the glands or the head of the penis, the frenulum, the tissue underneath connecting the glands to the shaft, the shaft, and the scrotum.

focusing your attention on these sensitive areas will relax a man and allow him to open up more.

move between these spots to tease him and keep him guessing.

if you find your relationship dwindling because of a lack of sex or bad sex, this offers a refreshing sensual experience for both of you.

but what if the issue isn't boring, predictable sex?

what if your man is finding it difficult to develop or keep an erection?

there are three types of erections that men experience, erotic, reflex, and nocturnal.

the erotic erection is often considered the brain erection because it results from visual stimulation.

for instance, if a man sees an image of a naked woman and gets turned on.

reflex erections are caused by direct stimulation to the penis, while nocturnal erections are erections that happen during the rem or rapid eye movement cycle of sleep.

there are many reasons why a man may struggle to maintain an erection.

most commonly, it's due to being depressed or stressed.

these factors are out of your control, so don't beat yourself up thinking you aren't doing enough to please your man.

but let's go back to the nocturnal erection for a moment.

this is something to take advantage of if your partner is experiencing any sort of erectile dysfunction.

if he wakes up and it's there, use it.

the male mind when it comes to sexual satisfaction, desire and fantasy are just as important as physical contact.

they trigger chemicals in our brains that directly impact our experience of sex and love.

in the early stages of a relationship, chemicals like dopamine, norepinephrine, and oxytocin levels are usually high.

these chemicals are responsible for our happiness, regulate our hormones, and affect our fight-or-flight response and reproductive functions.

dopamine and norepinephrine also play a key part in arousal.

when you get angry, for instance, dopamine is produced.

this stimulates an adrenaline rush, which is why couples may find themselves having hot sex following an argument.

it creates intense feelings that ultimately lead to great satisfaction.

as relationships continue over time, though, these chemicals often wane.

this creates a lack of desire and leads to a minimal or absent sex life.

so how can you reignite the spark of your early relationship, when desire was high and sex was fun and spontaneous?

the solution is simple.

make your relationship less predictable and more surprising.

this is where fantasy comes in.

it's a technique that can trick the brain into stimulating those coveted chemicals.

every person has at least one sexual fantasy.

and if you've acted on these fantasies with your partner before, chances are you still find your sex life fulfilling.

but the simple act of communicating a fantasy to your partner can be scary.

what if they judge you or call you a freak?

it's easier said than done, but the key to a healthy relationship is to put all judgment aside.

in fact, healthy and open communication is important for any aspect of a relationship, whether it has to do with sex or not.

by being real with your partner, you're showing them you still have an interest in making things work, that you want to spice up your sex life and try out new things in the bedroom.

sexual fantasies are a gateway to new points of passion and pleasure.

so let your partner take you down the path of their sexual fantasies, and let them go down on your own.

experiencing the moment together having great sex is about what you're experiencing together rather than what you're doing to your partner.

and, as you now know, men don't necessarily understand how to slow down the journey to orgasm, so you have to take that into your own hands.

literally.

but guiding a man through sex can be sexy.

to start, let him sit back and relax as you explore his body.

work with his body.

start with kissing, nibbling, and licking.

tease him.

men typically rush to orgasm, right?

well, teach him how to reach the edge of ejaculation, but don't let him release quite yet.

by the way, men can get better at this by exercising their pelvic muscles.

that's right, men can do kegels, too.

they can practice well-being by stopping their urine midstream.

anyway, continue with eye contact.

talk dirty to him.

keep him at peak arousal.

use your hands to create non-rhythmic stimulation.

if you're comfortable performing oral sex, firmly grab the shaft of his penis and seal your lips around the head.

don't take on more than you're comfortable with.

lick around the tip and down the shaft as if you're licking an ice cream or popsicle.

before you move on to intercourse, rotate between these different areas of pleasure to help him achieve a better orgasm in the end.

remember, keep it unpredictable.

when it's time for intercourse, lay down side by side and once again take his penis into your hands.

gently use it to explore your vulva.

rub it against your clitoris and between your labia.

eventually, let him penetrate you just enough so you don't envelop anything more than the head of the penis.

then, lightly gyrate on top of him until you decide to let him all the way inside.

once you recognize the build of tension in him and his pelvic spasms, you can decide whether to keep going while on top or you can choose to go back to using your hands and mouth.

this gives more focus to the head of the penis rather than the base of the shaft.

by the end, you'll find yourselves enjoying a more powerful, connected and ecstatic sexual experience.

you've just listened to our chapter to passionista by ian kerner.

the key message here is that to create a unique sexual life with a male partner, you first need to understand how the male mind and body works.

what gets them aroused?

what keeps them aroused?

how can you create a dynamic and unpredictable sexual experience?

fantasizing, whether through words or the act of sex itself, builds excitement and allows both parties to enter a journey of discovery, pleasure and connection.

okay, that's it for this chapter.

thank you so much for listening and if you can, please leave us a rating.

we always appreciate your feedback.

till next time, bye.