Party of One

have you ever felt a subtle but persistent pressure to find a partner? the author, meghan keane, thinks of this as a “haze.” it starts off as a gentle nudge, suggesting that love and marriage are the keys to happiness. over time, this pressure builds up, making single life feel somehow incomplete. friends and family might ask about your dating life or try setting you up, leaving you tired and confused from all the expectations.

not everyone experiences this in the same way, though. these pressures differ depending on factors like identity, culture, or background. for some, the weight of these ideas feels more intense, while others may face entirely different expectations. keane speaks from her perspective as a straight white woman, knowing her story might sound very different from yours. yet, the fog of societal norms around relationships can seem all too familiar, no matter your starting point.

throughout this chapter, we’ll look at how these social expectations affect your self-image and relationships. you’ll discover ways to step back from the need to meet someone else’s standards and build a life that fits your values. by the end, you’ll feel clearer about what you want and more confident about embracing your own path.

ready to break free from society’s relationship blueprint? let’s get started.

marriage and romantic love occupy a peculiar place in our social imagination. the stories we tell about them – through movies, books, and cultural traditions – paint a specific picture: two people meet, fall in love, and live happily ever after. but these familiar narratives miss something fascinating about the history of marriage.

take marriage in earlier centuries. far from being about romance, marriage served as a practical arrangement – a way to pass down property, build political connections, or merge family fortunes. the romantic ideal we know today only took shape in the nineteenth century, with authors like jane austen capturing this shift in novels such as pride and prejudice. even then, love-based unions were more about economic independence than emotional connection. yet, this shift masked marriage’s historic roots in oppression and practicality.

the nuclear family structure many people think of as “traditional” – with its strict gender roles and focus on monogamy – actually emerged quite recently. looking back through human history reveals countless different approaches to family life. many societies organized themselves around shared resources and community bonds rather than individual households. the mid-twentieth century ideal of marriage – featuring a male breadwinner and a homemaker – was shaped by post-war prosperity and tax policies that incentivized single-income families, rather than being rooted in universal tradition.

these romanticized ideas of marriage are reinforced by fairy tales and modern media. from princesses being rescued by princes to romantic comedies portraying love as the key to happiness, these narratives ignore life’s complexities. they suggest your worth depends on being “chosen” by someone else, sidelining the value of platonic and communal relationships.

modern marriages now face even greater pressures. you’re told a partner should meet all your emotional needs and drive your personal growth. this “all or nothing” model often leads to disappointment – after all, one person can’t possibly fulfill every role in someone’s life.

romantic love isn’t the only – or even the best – form of connection. platonic friendships, close family ties, and community bonds bring equally deep meaning to life. but our society – through what scholars call amatonormativity – places monogamous romantic relationships on a pedestal above all others. recognizing the richness of diverse relationships allows you to prioritize those that genuinely enhance your life. this becomes especially clear when we consider how many people find deep satisfaction outside traditional relationship structures, which is what we’ll explore next.

picture this: you’re on a treadmill, running at a steady pace. everything feels fine – until the treadmill flashes a message promising a prize if you keep going. intrigued, you run harder, but the incline rises, and suddenly it’s shouting at you: “still running? that’s so sad.” exhausted, you realize you’ve been chasing something you didn’t even want. this treadmill mirrors social pressure about relationships, suggesting coupling up leads to happiness. 

research paints a different picture, however. single people often build broader social networks, enjoy stronger ties to their communities, and experience deep fulfillment outside of romance. relationships don’t automatically lead to happiness – what matters is how you engage with your life, with or without a partner.

if you’re still feeling uneasy about being single, try shifting your focus. start with gratitude: notice the little things that bring joy, like how your favorite song lifts your mood or the way your pet lovingly looks at you. writing down even a few things each day can train your brain to see the positives. pair this with reframing negative beliefs. if you catch yourself thinking, “i’m unlovable,” counter it with, “i’m loved and valuable as i am.”

understanding the difference between loneliness and solitude can also be a game changer. feeling lonely is your brain’s way of asking for connection, but being alone doesn’t have to feel empty. use solo time to deepen self-awareness or spark creativity. 

one helpful practice involves what the author calls morning pages –  writing three pages of stream-of-consciousness thoughts as soon as you wake up. this practice clears mental space and uncovers new insights. pair this with planning an artist date, which is simply scheduling time for activities that spark joy. wander through a park, browse vintage shops, or visit a museum – anything that feeds your curiosity.

above all, remember: singleness isn’t a flaw. it’s a chance to explore your own interests, relationships, and values. when you embrace your life as it is, you stop running after someone else’s definition of happiness – and start enjoying your own.

when you find yourself overthinking or caught in a loop of negative thoughts, it’s easy to feel stuck. the thoughts can seem overwhelming, but they aren’t permanent, and you can learn to break free from them. many people mistake overthinking for problem-solving, yet this habit often makes things worse. it leaves you feeling anxious, emotionally drained, and no closer to a solution.

the first step in breaking these patterns starts with awareness. pay attention to the moment your mind begins replaying the same scenario, and gently interrupt it. this might mean stepping outside or shifting your focus to something engaging, like a creative project or physical activity. these actions help break the connection between triggering situations and automatic thought responses.

asking the right questions can make a big difference, too. instead of asking questions like “why does this always happen to me?” focus on “what small step can i take right now?” this small change moves your mind from circular thinking toward practical action. putting your thoughts on paper serves as another helpful practice. writing reveals patterns you might miss otherwise, and rereading these reflections can show how temporary most problems turn out to be.

sharing your thoughts with someone you trust is another way to work through them. talking can help untangle emotions that feel knotted up inside you, but it’s important to choose the right person. good listeners validate your experience while gently offering new perspectives when you’re ready. speaking your thoughts out loud often makes them feel more manageable and less intense than when they’re swirling around in your head.

at the same time, being kind to yourself plays a central role in this process. when you notice yourself spiraling, try replacing judgment with curiosity. ask yourself what might help you feel more grounded in this moment. sometimes it’s as simple as a walk, a creative outlet, or pausing for a few deep breaths. 

these small acts of self-care can shift your perspective and remind you that thoughts come and go – they don’t define your reality. while breaking free from negative thought patterns is essential, it’s equally important to channel this mental clarity into building a life that truly reflects your values and aspirations.

the journey toward creating an authentic life often begins when our carefully laid plans fall apart. this was certainly true for keane, who found herself confronting unexpected revelations during the spring of 2020. as the covid-19 pandemic brought the world to a standstill, she was living with her mother, disinfecting groceries, and wrestling with the realization that her relentless pursuit of partnership had left her exhausted. 

the frustration reached a breaking point one evening when she found herself throwing a plastic colander across the kitchen. but this moment of crisis became a catalyst for change. as the world slowed down, so did she, finally recognizing that her frantic approach to dating wasn’t just unsustainable – it was preventing her from building a truly fulfilling life.

it turns out that such moments of disruption can become opportunities for growth. what would happen if you focused less on what’s missing and more on what makes your life meaningful right now? a good starting point is acceptance. sitting with the reality of your life as it is – not as you wish it to be – can feel uncomfortable, but it opens the door to clarity and a sense of peace. from this place, you can start building something that feels authentic.

this clarity often reveals that meaningful change starts with small steps. simple pleasures like morning walks, creative projects, or cooking nourishing meals add richness to daily life. these activities don’t need external validation – their value lies in how they make you feel connected and alive. as these small actions become habits, they create a stable foundation for bigger changes.

one such fundamental change involves your financial well-being. taking control of your resources – through saving, tackling debt, or estate planning – provides freedom to make choices that align with your priorities. while the world may seem built for couples, your finances can be a tool to shape a future that works for you.

with this stable foundation in place, life becomes less about meeting external expectations and more about exploring what drives you. choices about travel, creative pursuits, or family planning become opportunities to express your values rather than responses to social pressure. each decision serves as a building block for a life that reflects authentic desires and aspirations.

by focusing attention on genuine fulfillment, you become the author of your own story. this shift empowers you to embrace decisions not as constraints but as opportunities to craft a life that truly feels your own. as you build this genuine path, your emotions become valuable guides – so let’s now explore how to work with them rather than push them away.

it should come as no surprise at this point that your feelings carry valuable messages. many people push away emotions like sadness or frustration, seeing them as problems. yet these feelings offer insights about your needs and values. when you stop resisting and allow yourself to observe your emotions, their intensity often begins to fade. you don’t have to like your feelings, but acknowledging their presence allows you to learn from what they’re telling you.

during intense emotional moments, connecting with your immediate surroundings helps restore balance. focus on the sensory details around you – the colors in your field of vision, sounds floating through the air, or the texture of fabric against your skin. simple physical techniques like holding an ice cube or gently splashing cool water on your face can help calm your body when your emotions are heightened. breathing techniques are also useful: try inhaling slowly, pausing, and exhaling for equal counts to ease the tension.

but while acknowledging emotions is key, it doesn’t mean resigning yourself to them forever. instead, it’s about saying “this is what i’m feeling right now, without judgment.” that shift in perspective creates space to reflect on what you might need – whether it’s a conversation with a friend, a quiet moment to rest, or a way to express yourself through writing. small acts of acceptance make big feelings more manageable.

regular mindfulness practice strengthens this skill. pick an everyday activity like eating or brushing your teeth and give it your full attention, noticing each sensation. as this becomes more natural, staying present gets easier, even during emotional intensity. these small moments of attention lead to more thoughtful responses rather than automatic reactions.

emotions are a natural part of being human. by working with them instead of fighting against them, you’ll find that they lose much of their power to overwhelm. and as you develop this emotional awareness, you’ll find yourself better equipped to build meaningful connections with others – which brings us to our next exploration of intentional friendships.

what if your friendships became a source of fulfillment just as powerful as any other relationship? it’s easy to overlook how much your friendships shape your sense of belonging and happiness, but they sit at the heart of a rich, meaningful life. every social interaction, from deep conversations with old friends to casual chats with a barista, adds stability and warmth to daily life. each small moment of connection builds into something greater.

making these connections last requires active engagement and care. you can take the lead by making concrete plans, like organizing a book club or hosting casual dinners at home. while vague promises rarely lead anywhere, clear invitations show care and create opportunities to connect. regular traditions strengthen these bonds, too. whether through yearly gatherings or shared hobbies, these repeated experiences create lasting connections.

of course, as time passes, life’s natural shifts can affect how friendships look and feel. career changes, family growth, or shifting priorities might reduce time together. yet these changes don’t signal the end of meaningful connection. flexibility and honest communication about needs and expectations can help you preserve those bonds. if visiting a friend at home or scheduling shorter meetups makes things work, it’s worth the effort.

this flexibility in maintaining friendships opens up new possibilities for how we structure our support systems. consider how friends might share living spaces or help raise children together. such arrangements show how friendship-based care and support can create stable, nurturing environments that work beautifully.

by bringing intention and creativity to these relationships, you create space for deep joy and mutual support. these connections become cornerstones of a life well-lived, offering companionship through all of life’s chapters.

in this chapter to party of one by meghan keane, you’ve learned that romantic love is just one of many paths to a rich and satisfying life.

building a meaningful life begins when we let go of old stories about happiness. once we release these expectations, we see how both friendships and romantic bonds can bring deep fulfillment. this insight guides us to trust our emotions and honor our true values. and as we make small, intentional choices each day – from quiet morning moments to time with friends – we create a life filled with genuine connection and joy.

okay, that’s it for this chapter. we hope you enjoyed it. if you can, please take the time to leave us a rating – we always appreciate your feedback. see you in the next chapter.