Bad Therapy

abigail shrier.

bad therapy.

why the kids aren't growing up.

picture a typical teenager today, grappling with the pressures of school, relationships, and an uncertain future in a rapidly changing world.

now imagine a well-meaning parent or therapist, eager to help but unintentionally reinforcing the idea that every struggle is a crisis requiring medical or professional intervention.

could your attempts to support your kid's mental health be backfiring?

with this thought-provoking hypothesis, abigail shrier argues that the rise of therapy culture may be contributing to a decline in resilience among younger generations.

she suggests that by pathologizing normal challenges and emphasizing emotional fragility, parents and teachers may be inadvertently creating the very mental health crisis they're trying to address.

this chapter explores shrier's application of the concept of iatrogenesis, the idea that medical or psychological treatment can sometimes cause unintended harm, with a broader culture of therapy and parenting, and whether the current approach to mental health is helping or hurting the development of young people today.

first, do no harm.

the concept of iatrogenesis, which refers to the unintended negative consequences of medical interventions, has a long history in the field of medicine.

originally coined in the 18th century, the term has been used to describe the harm that can result from well-intentioned treatments, like adverse drug reactions or surgical complications.

in the realm of psychiatry, iatrogenesis has been observed in cases where psychiatric interventions, like hospitalizations or medications, have inadvertently worsened a patient's condition.

but shrier argues that the concept of iatrogenesis can also be applied to the broader field of therapy, particularly when it comes to treating young people.

imagine a high school student who experiences a panic attack before a major exam.

their parents, concerned for their well-being, send them to a therapist who suggests that the student's anxiety is a sign of a more serious anxiety disorder.

once diagnosed, the student becomes hypervigilant about their symptoms, wondering if every flutter of nerves is a sign of impending panic.

now imagine a college freshman who confides in a counselor about feeling homesick and lonely.

the counselor, eager to validate the student's feelings, emphasizes the importance of self-care and setting boundaries.

the student begins to withdraw from social activities and academic challenges, believing that they must prioritize their emotional well-being above all else.

shrier argues that while therapy can be a vital resource for young people, many therapeutic approaches may unintentionally foster a sense of fragility and helplessness.

by overemphasizing the role of mental health and encouraging young people to view normal challenges as signs of psychological distress, some therapists may be contributing to the very problems they seek to alleviate.

this therapy culture can have far-reaching consequences for young people's development and well-being.

shrier suggests that by pathologizing childhood struggles like social awkwardness or academic difficulties, therapists may inadvertently undermine young people's confidence and resilience.

instead of learning to navigate life's challenges with grit and adaptability, young people may come to see themselves as psychologically fragile and in need of constant support.

even more, the emphasis on emotional safety and risk avoidance in some therapeutic approaches may discourage young people from taking healthy risks, like trying new things or stepping outside their comfort zones.

by prioritizing emotional comfort, therapists may be unintentionally limiting young people's opportunities for growth and self-discovery.

these consequences only multiply when considered at the community level, as we'll discuss in the next section.

trauma culture the rise of therapy culture in recent decades has been particularly focused in schools and places of learning, adding a social dimension to well-being rhetoric.

meanwhile, the broader emphasis on trauma in society is also having unintended consequences for young people's well-being and resilience.

for example, imagine a middle school classroom where teachers are encouraged to use trauma-informed practices.

they are trained to view students' misbehavior or academic struggles through the lens of potential trauma, rather than as opportunities for growth and learning.

students quickly learn to adopt the language of therapy, labeling their everyday experiences as triggering or toxic.

or consider a high school that implements restorative justice practices, emphasizing the importance of emotional processing over consequences for misbehavior.

students who have been bullied are encouraged to share their feelings with their tormentors, while those who have acted out are given a platform to justify their actions based on their own emotional struggles.

schreier suggests that while these practices may be well-intentioned, they can have the unintended effect of reinforcing a culture of victimhood and helplessness.

by emphasizing the role of trauma and the need for emotional safety, we may be teaching young people to see themselves as fragile and in need of protection, rather than as capable of overcoming challenges and learning from their mistakes.

even worse, the author argues, is that the emphasis on trauma in the broader culture, from trigger warnings on college campuses to the proliferation of trauma-informed workshops in the workplace, may be contributing to a sense of learned helplessness.

by constantly focusing on the ways in which we have been hurt or oppressed, we may be losing sight of our own agency and resilience.

so, by prioritizing young people's emotional comfort over their resilience and agency, therapy culture may be contributing to a sense of helplessness in the face of real-world challenges.

rather than empowering young people to take action and make a difference, this approach may be reinforcing the idea that they are powerless victims of forces beyond their control.

the cruelty of empathy culture in prioritizing individual feelings and emotional safety, people may be fostering a culture of narcissism and hypersensitivity that makes it difficult for young people to navigate complex social situations and build meaningful relationships.

consider the example of a prestigious private school in california, where social-emotional learning is emphasized.

from a young age, students are taught that their feelings are the ultimate arbiter of truth, and that they should never have to endure discomfort or disagreement.

in this school, a student named emily posts a comment on social media expressing her frustration with a group project.

she doesn't name names, but her classmate sarah sees the post and feels targeted.

sarah screenshots the post and shares it with her friends, adding her own commentary about how hurtful and insensitive emily's words were.

the post quickly goes viral within the school community, with students taking sides and leaving harsh comments.

emily, who had no intention of singling out sarah or causing harm, finds herself at the center of a social media firestorm.

as the conflict escalates, teachers and administrators are drawn into the fray.

they face pressure from students and parents to take action, even though the situation is complex and there is no clear evidence of wrongdoing.

afraid of being seen as unsupportive or dismissive of students' feelings, they feel compelled to intervene, perhaps by reprimanding emily or forcing the two girls to participate in a mediation session.

other students watch the drama unfold on social media, taking notes and learning the unspoken rules of this new social landscape.

they see how quickly a single post can spiral out of control, and how easily they could find themselves in the same position as emily or sarah.

they learn to carefully curate their online presence, always mindful of how their words and actions might be perceived by others.

in this environment, even minor slights or misunderstandings can quickly escalate into full-blown conflicts as students rush to accuse each other of causing emotional harm.

teachers and administrators, afraid of being seen as insensitive or unsupportive, often feel pressure to take sides and mete out punishments, even in the absence of clear evidence of wrongdoing.

as a result, students and young people live in a constant state of anxiety and uncertainty, never knowing who might take offense at their words or actions next.

they learn to walk on eggshells around their peers, worried about inadvertently triggering someone's sensitivities or being accused of a transgression.

the author argues that this culture of hypersensitivity and emotional tyranny is not only exhausting and stressful for young people, but also deeply damaging to their ability to build empathy and engage in meaningful dialogue.

when every interaction is fraught with the potential for offense and accusation, it becomes difficult to have honest conversations, express dissenting opinions, or learn from each other's experiences.

gentle parenting and the cultural shift it isn't just at school that therapy culture has become the prevailing paradigm.

there is also a shift away from traditional, authoritative parenting styles that is contributing to a generation of young people who are ill-equipped to handle the challenges of life.

schreier suggests that by prioritizing emotional sensitivity and avoiding discipline, parents are doing their children a disservice and setting them up for failure in the long run.

imagine a young boy named liam, whose parents have fully embraced the principles of gentle parenting.

from a young age, liam is never told no or given firm boundaries.

instead, his parents validate his feelings and avoid any form of punishment or consequences for misbehavior.

when liam throws a tantrum in the grocery store, his parents calmly explain to him why his behavior is inappropriate, but ultimately give in to his demands to avoid further conflict.

as liam grows older, he struggles to cope with the demands of school and social life.

he has difficulty regulating his emotions and lashes out at his peers when he feels frustrated or upset.

his teachers, who are also steeped in the culture of emotional sensitivity, are hesitant to discipline him or hold him accountable for his actions.

instead, they make accommodations and excuse his behavior, chalking it up to his unique emotional needs.

schreier argues that this approach to parenting, which she characterizes as a shift away from more traditional, discipline-based parenting, is creating a generation of young people who are fragile and entitled.

by shielding children from the natural consequences of their actions and constantly prioritizing their emotional comfort, parents are denying them the opportunity to build resilience and develop the skills they need to navigate the challenges of adult life.

the author suggests that this approach is particularly damaging to boys, who are already struggling to find their place in a rapidly changing world.

by denying boys the opportunity to develop traditional masculine traits like toughness, independence, and self-reliance, gentle parenting may be contributing to a crisis of masculinity and leaving many young men feeling lost and adrift.

ultimately, the goal should be to strike a balance between providing children with the love, support, and validation they need to thrive, while setting clear boundaries and expectations and allowing them to experience the natural consequences of their actions.

by fostering a culture of resilience, independence, and self-reliance, parents can help young people develop the skills and confidence they need to navigate the challenges of adult life and become successful, well-adjusted adults.

raising resilience while gentle or over-involved parenting can have unexpected consequences in emotionally dysregulated kids, allowing children to take risks, experience adversity, and face the consequences of their actions can help them develop resilience, independence, and self-reliance.

as an example, imagine a family with two children, emma and jack.

their parents have made a conscious decision to adopt a more hands-off approach to parenting.

they set clear expectations for their children's behavior and establish consequences for breaking the rules, but they also give them plenty of freedom to explore the world around them and make their own choices.

when emma wants to walk to school by herself for the first time, her parents resist the urge to hover or micromanage.

they help her plan a safe route and discuss strategies for dealing with strangers or emergencies, but ultimately trust her to navigate the experience on her own.

when jack forgets his lunch at home, they resist the temptation to drop everything and bring it to him, instead allowing him to figure out a solution on his own.

as emma and jack grow older, their parents encourage them to take on new challenges and pursue their passions, even if it means risking failure or disappointment.

when emma tries out for the soccer team and doesn't make the cut, her parents console her but also encourage her to keep practicing and try again next year.

when jack struggles with a math concept, they resist the urge to swoop in and solve the problem for him.

instead, they encourage him to seek out additional resources and keep working at it.

this approach to parenting prioritizes consequences, discipline, and the development of grit and resilience.

in a world that is increasingly focused on emotional comfort and the avoidance of adversity, the author suggests that children need opportunities to struggle, fail, and learn from their mistakes in order to build the skills and confidence they need to succeed.

of course, this approach is not without its challenges.

in a culture that often equates good parenting with constant involvement and the elimination of all risk and discomfort, it can be difficult for parents to step back and allow their children to navigate the world on their own terms.

it requires a great deal of trust, patience, and a willingness to tolerate discomfort and uncertainty.

of course, not all children have the same needs or require the same level of support and guidance either.

some may need more structure and supervision, while others may thrive with greater freedom and autonomy.

the key is to find a balance that works for your individual child and your family's unique circumstances.

the goal of parenting is to raise children who are capable, confident, and prepared to navigate the challenges of life.

by fostering independence, grit, and resilience, and by allowing children to experience the natural consequences of their actions, parents can help their children develop the skills and character traits they need to thrive in a complex and ever-changing world.

by applying the concept of iatrogenesis to the realm of mental health and parenting, schreier argues that our well-intentioned efforts to support and protect young people may be inadvertently fostering a sense of fragility and helplessness.

instead, the author invites parents, teachers, and caregivers to strike a balance between providing love and support while also encouraging independence, grit, and the ability to learn from adversity.

in the quest to help young people thrive, everyone must be mindful of the potential pitfalls of overprotection and strive to foster the mindsets needed to navigate life's challenges with confidence and resilience.

okay, and that is it for this chapter.

we hope you enjoyed it, and if you can, please take the time to leave us a rating because we really appreciate your feedback.

see you in the next chapter.

bye!