Back to Categories
Parenting22 min read
The Self-Driven Child
by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson
The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives
Published: April 17, 2021
4.4 (305 ratings)
Table of Contents
1
what’s in it for me? learn to give your children control over their lives.2
children suffer from stress when they feel like everything is out of their control.3
giving children control over their lives makes them happier and more motivated.4
parents should help their children come to informed decisions on their own.5
anxiety rubs off on children, so parents should try to cultivate a calm presence.6
children need technology-free time.7
many kids aren’t ready for college.8
academic success isn’t the only route to fulfillment.9
final summaryBook Summary
This is a comprehensive summary of “The Self-Driven Child” by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson . The book explores the science and sense of giving your kids more control over their lives.
what’s in it for me? learn to give your children control over their lives.#
Introduction
william stixrud and ned johnson.
the self-driven child.
the science and sense of giving your kids more control over their lives.
narrated by alex vincent and oliver maines.
children today are faced with external pressures like never before.
just look at higher education.
to attain the grades that will get them into a good college, kids have to work punishingly hard.
at the same time, they're surrounded by attention-sapping technology that can cause sleep deprivation and anxiety.
so it's understandable when concerned parents want to take the reins.
but what if this is exactly the wrong approach?
what if exerting control causes your child to be more stressed?
in these chapters, you'll discover an alternative way of helping your kids manage their lives.
one that puts them in control and allows them to make the big decisions.
through hypothetical examples drawn from the author's work, you'll learn how best to empower your child.
it's a method that involves, above all, letting go.
children suffer from stress when they feel like everything is out of their control.#
chapter 1 of 7 we all like to feel in control.
that's why we're more at ease when we drive to a destination instead of flying.
on a plane, our fate is in the pilot's hands rather than our own.
it's why we like to study the menu carefully before we order.
in fact, having a sense of agency is the most important factor in a successful flight.
it is the most important factor when it comes to our happiness and well-being.
this was the dramatic conclusion of a study done in the 1970s, which found that nursing home residents who were told that they had responsibility for their lives lived longer than those who were told that nursing staff would take care of everything.
when everything feels beyond our control, we get stressed.
and stress has serious consequences for the health and well-being of children as well as adults.
the key message here is, children suffer from stress when they feel like everything is out of their control.
imagine a 15-year-old named zara who attends an expensive private school.
her life is structured around a strict timetable.
during the day, she shuttles back and forth between classes, with just a few short breaks.
then, after school, she has hockey practice and volunteers for an environmental charity, as her parents advised her to do.
as soon as she's home, her parents have more plans for her, starting with four hours of homework.
weekends are structured just the same.
if zara wants a little free time, she has to make sure her homework is all done.
her parents push her because they're desperate for her to get into an elite university.
but zara suffers from migraines, she's not sleeping well, and she frequently gets into screaming fights with her parents.
is all of this for her own good, as her parents claim?
of course not.
constantly being told what to do both at home and at school causes children to suffer from stress and anxiety.
this kind of toxic stress can impair a critical stage of brain development, which happens between the ages of 12 and 18.
this could lead to long-term mental and physical health problems.
the problem is widespread, and it affects affluent households, in which the pressure on children to achieve tends to be particularly high, most of all.
in fact, a recent study found that 80% of students at one elite silicon valley high school suffered from anxiety caused by stress.
so what can parents do differently?
we'll find out in the next chapter.
giving children control over their lives makes them happier and more motivated.#
chapter 2 of 7 in addition to being unhealthy, a lack of control over their own lives also encourages children to push back, resisting anything they're told to do, even when those instructions are wise.
like, for instance, you need to get your homework in on time, otherwise you'll fail this school year.
if it's delivered as a command, then there's a good chance it'll get a defiant response.
so what to do?
rather than plotting out their offspring's lives to the minutest detail, parents need to let their children breathe.
the key message here is giving children control over their lives makes them happier and more motivated.
let's look at another hypothetical example.
this time it's a boy called jonah.
every night his parents instructed him to stop playing video games and sit down for a few hours of homework.
and every night, without fail, jonah sat at his desk and pretended to finish his assignments.
in reality, he was just killing time.
it wasn't that he couldn't do his work.
he could, but he didn't.
forcing children to do something, even if it's in their own best interests, takes away that crucial element of self-control that we all need to feel.
by forcing him to sit down for those few hours each night, jonah's parents were essentially telling him, you don't know what's best for you, but we do.
that infuriated him and stressed him out.
no wonder he resisted.
ultimately, the best thing a parent can do is accept that their child's life is his own.
as spiritual teacher eckhart tolle says, they come into this world through you, but they are not yours.
in jonah's case, his parents learned to relax their control.
in the evenings, rather than force him to sit down with his homework, they'd ask, do you have any assignments that you need help with tonight?
if so, let us know so we can plan our evening.
at first, jonah just played his video games.
but when he saw that he alone was responsible for his grades, he began to change his ways.
especially when it looked like he might not graduate with his friends.
quite soon, freed from his parents' control, he began to knuckle down of his own accord.
in the end, it paid off.
he went on to college and graduated with a major in psychology.
parents should help their children come to informed decisions on their own.#
chapter 3 of 7 as a rule, parents tend to think they know best.
as a result, many of them have a habit of making big, life-changing decisions for their children, excluding the kids themselves from the process.
let's say a girl, we'll call her chelsea, has recently transferred from a public school to an expensive private one.
she's deeply unhappy and wants to go back to her old school to be with her old friends and teachers.
but her father insists that she stay put.
in the end, he thinks, she'll thank him.
she'll get great grades and go on to have a successful career.
but what if it turns out that her unhappiness prevents her from learning?
what if she doesn't get great grades at the private school?
what if she actually would have done better in the more relaxed atmosphere of her old school?
what if it turns out that adults don't always know best?
the key message here is, parents should help their children come to informed decisions on their own.
a parent who wants to help his child make her own decisions has to see his role in her life a little differently.
rather than acting like a boss, he should view himself more like a consultant.
rather than dictating everything, he should present all the options and information along with his own opinions, and then trust his child to make the right call.
and it turns out that you really can trust kids to make good decisions.
in a fascinating study conducted over 30 years ago, researchers looked at the ability of children and young adults to make decisions.
participants, who were between the ages of 9 and 21, were asked how they'd respond to a sensitive situation.
a boy who refused to come out of his room or speak to anyone for several weeks.
what solution did most children propose?
the same one as most adult experts, it turned out.
get the boy to outpatient psychotherapy.
when it came to making the right call, the 14-year-olds scored virtually identically to the 19 and 21-year-olds.
the 9-year-olds weren't far behind either.
they scored a little lower, and not because their decision-making was necessarily any worse.
they just had a lack of knowledge.
some of them weren't familiar with psychotherapy.
clearly, children can make good decisions.
so parents should help them do so by presenting them with all the relevant information, and then trusting them to make up their own minds.
anxiety rubs off on children, so parents should try to cultivate a calm presence.#
chapter 4 of 7 parents worry about their children.
they always have.
but today, technology provides even more ways to keep track of kids' movements and more information about potential threats.
a mother can closely monitor the progress of her child's first bike ride on google maps.
a new dad can look up all kinds of deadly diseases when his baby has a minor rash.
it's no wonder many parents have become intensely anxious.
and even worse, all this anxiety is seeping into their children.
the key message here is, anxiety rubs off on children, so parents should try to cultivate a calm presence.
unfortunately, anxiety is like a virus that spreads from parents to their children.
if we're anxious, no matter how well we try to hide it, our kids will pick up on it.
as psychologist paul ekman notes, our true state of mind can be detected in our involuntary facial expressions.
as ekman says, if we knew what was on our face, we would be better at concealing it.
but children can see our faces, and they know when something's up.
what's more, they're likely to interpret an anxious facial expression as being their fault.
that goes for all kinds of negative feelings, even ones which have nothing to do with them.
if you're grumpy because of work, your child will very often misinterpret that as you being grumpy with her.
as a result, parents often transfer their own anxiety to their children.
so dealing with your own anxiety is paramount if you want to avoid passing it on to your children.
happily, calm is just as contagious as anxiety.
how do you become a calm presence in your child's life?
start with the basics.
exercise regularly and get more sleep.
if it's your thing, you could also try practicing yoga.
and vitally, learn to rationalize the worries you have about your children.
in the west, in terms of immediate threats we face, we're living in the safest period in all of history.
if you can become a calm presence, you'll do your child a world of good.
children are happier, healthier, and more successful when they're calmer.
as the authors found in an experiment, children even perform better at tests when they're in the same room as someone who exerts a calming influence.
so if you want the best for your kids, become a pillar of calm.
children need technology-free time.#
chapter 5 of 7 unwittingly passing on anxiety to their children is just one of the things parents need to worry about.
another major concern is overuse of technology.
if you've been around any children lately, you'll know how omnipresent technology is in their lives.
for some children, half an hour away from a screen will provoke something like panic.
and why not?
adults have become reliant on their smart devices.
it's natural that many children have integrated them as another body part.
the key message here is, children need technology-free time.
modern use of technology is transforming children's brains.
some of this transformation is for the better.
playing video games, for instance, can help children develop better multitasking skills.
it can also help them get better at remembering visual language and landmarks.
however, being continually plugged into a smart device or gaming console has serious negative effects.
psychologist larry rosen argues that, due to constant exposure to technology, children's brains work completely differently than those of their parents.
they've become less able to regulate their impulsive urges and focus their attention.
as children often play video games or message friends until the early hours, they've also become more sleep-deprived and stressed out than ever before.
so what can be done if you're a worried parent?
first, consider your own technology habits.
most of us have unhealthy ones.
in one british study, 70% of kids felt that their parents used technology too much.
so before you begin to lecture the kids, take a look at yourself.
if you can begin to model healthy technology use, then you'll already be making a great first step.
then, if you still feel that your children's technology habits are a problem, talk openly with them about it.
be understanding, but also set up technology-free times as a family, aiming to spend at least 30 minutes of unplugged time together per week.
perhaps that's a sunday morning when you make pancakes together or go for a walk in nature.
you could also point out unhealthy technology use in public.
let's say that you're in a restaurant with your child and you spot a couple staring at their phones.
you could surreptitiously ask your child how he'd feel if he were in that situation.
hopefully, through gentle prompting and discussion, you can ease your child into a much healthier relationship with the technology that surrounds him.
many kids aren’t ready for college.#
chapter 6 of 7 so your child is in her final few years of high school and has begun to look forward to the prospect of college.
all her friends are planning on going too, and she's been working hard to make sure that she gets the grades.
deep down, though, you know that she isn't quite ready.
she isn't yet mature enough for the experience.
she'll get there, sure, but probably not by the time she's 18.
and as college is your investment, and an expensive one at that, this is one area where you should feel able to have your say.
the key message here is, many kids aren't ready for college.
there are many reasons why kids might not be quite ready for college.
after all, not everyone is the same.
we all mature at different rates.
for some kids, it might be a year or two before they're ready to decap to a strange new place for three or four years.
why?
well, first off, they might not feel responsible for their own lives yet.
for instance, if your child wasn't the one who initiated her college search, or if she wasn't able to fill out her application without lots of help, it's likely that she's not ready yet.
it might also be that she can't yet manage cooking, cleaning, and self-maintenance on her own.
or it might be that she doesn't have any true self-understanding yet.
she might not have a real grasp of her strengths and weaknesses.
and she might not be able to self-discipline, which means she'll be unable to stop herself from falling into destructive habits.
quite simply, college marks an enormous change in most kids' lives, and many are ill-prepared for it.
what to do then?
one way to prep high school graduates for college is to let them take a gap year.
by taking time out to travel or take part in a volunteer program, for example, young adults are able to develop their self-understanding and confidence before college.
if your child is intent on going to college right after graduating from high school, you could ask her to demonstrate her readiness.
for instance, you could ask her to show you that she's able to run her own life six months prior to going to college.
that could mean budgeting successfully or managing her time without any help.
if she can do that easily, then swell, off she goes.
if not, then perhaps more time is needed to prepare.
academic success isn’t the only route to fulfillment.#
chapter 7 of 7 so your child has failed his geography exam, and he won't get that coveted place at harvard.
it's the end of the world.
any dream of future success and happiness is over for him.
he'll be resigned to a life of mediocrity and drudgery.
won't he?
well, no, of course he won't.
with all the pressure to succeed academically, something crucial has been forgotten.
there are many different ways people can attain success and contribute to the world.
sadly, many adolescents think they're a failure if they don't follow the academic route.
the key message here is, academic success isn't the only route to fulfillment.
let's look at an example.
at a work picnic, one of the authors began chatting to a co-worker's boyfriend.
the conversation moved on to college, and the author asked the young man if he'd attended.
the answer?
no, he wasn't smart enough for college.
then when the author asked him what he was doing instead, the young man answered that he was just an emergency medical technician.
just someone who saves people's lives.
an emergency medical technician provides a service that society couldn't do without.
who would you want beside you if you had a heart attack?
a harvard-educated fund manager or an emt?
every one of us can do something very well.
success and happiness for your child come from figuring out what he does best of all.
the truth is, there are many different forms of intelligence, all of which come with different aptitudes.
there are musical, visual, linguistic, and emotional types of intelligence, among others.
it might be that your child struggles with math tests, but is excellent at reading people's emotions.
so what can you do to ease your child's anxiety if he's not succeeding academically?
first, it's important for children to understand that many of us take circuitous routes to get to where we're going.
life is very rarely a perfectly executed journey from a to b.
so be open with them about any disappointments or surprise twists of fate in your own life.
we all have them.
second, try to find out what your child loves doing most of all.
ask him what he thinks his strengths are and what he thinks he does better than other people.
then, if you feel it's right, offer your own view.
from there, you can begin to sketch out a better path forward together.
final summary#
Conclusion
the key message in these chapters is that when parents assume too much control, they cause their kids a great deal of stress.
by loosening their grip and transferring some of that agency, parents can improve their kids' general well-being, motivation, and development.
rather than calling all the shots, parents should help their children make informed decisions, even when it comes to the big life-changing ones.
then, parents should look at their own bad habits.
they should seek to be a calming presence and model moderate technology use, encouraging good habits by their own example.
and here's some actionable advice.
encourage your child to let her mind wander.
the next time you're driving with your child, rather than turning straight to technology, ask her if she'd like to take in the scenery for a couple of minutes.
letting the mind wander is crucial for letting ideas and future plans bubble up.
so instead of allowing her to catch up on the latest social media post, give her space to dream.
got feedback?
we'd love to hear what you think about our content.
just drop an email to rememberatblankist.com with the self-driven child as the subject line and share your thoughts.
You Might Also Like
Discover more book summaries in the same category or by the same author.