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Parenting18 min read
The Conscious Parent
by Shefali Tsabary
Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children
Published: September 6, 2023
4.5 (99 ratings)
Book Summary
This is a comprehensive summary of “The Conscious Parent” by Shefali Tsabary. The book explores transforming ourselves, empowering our children.
what’s in it for me? learn how increasing your awareness will help your child thrive.#
Introduction
shefali tsabary the conscious parent
transforming ourselves, empowering our children
when you welcome a child into your family, you become the short-term custodian of an innately whole and good being.
but sadly, many parents sabotage their children's ability to express and inhabit who they fully are.
in an effort to help children succeed based on societal metrics, parents become consumed by their own agendas, anxieties, and egos.
when this happens, they grow insensitive to their children's joyful and unique selves.
to overcome this manner of parenting, one that hurts you, your children, and the relationship you share, you must first accept that your children are not your property.
they're not mini versions of you, or conduits for your own ambitions and wishes.
once you've done that, you can start meeting your children's needs without stifling their spirits.
in the chapter ahead, we'll look at some aspects of parenting that can suffer from an adult's lack of awareness, and how you can become more conscious to help your child flourish.
are you ready to redesign the dynamic between you and your children so they can grow into well-adjusted adults?
let's get started on your journey to a new way of parenting.
opt for acceptance, not approval#
opt for acceptance, not approval.
every child enters the world with a birthright given to them by their mere existence.
the right to simply be themselves.
sadly, all too often, children are stripped of this right by the people who love them most.
in a bid to encourage them, many parents unwittingly condition their children to gain their approval.
but this kind of encouragement is based on judgment, and can affect a child negatively.
say, for instance, you praise your child excessively for getting the best grade on a test in their class.
while happy to have pleased you, your child might also worry that they'll lose your approval if they don't get the best grade next time, placing them in a state of anxiety.
in order to embrace their birthright and become who they innately are, children need to feel loved and accepted unconditionally, whether or not they ace their exams or get selected for the hockey team.
but they will never feel truly loved if they're reliant on a parent's approval.
the conscious parent strives to be judgment-free in all aspects of their children's lives – their interests, values, ambitions, nature, and sexuality.
children should be cherished for who they are, not what they do.
that way, they can fully inhabit their authentic selves, not the warped version they think you want.
to do this, a parent must give up the belief that it's their right to approve of their children.
your role isn't to judge and mold.
it's to celebrate and wholeheartedly welcome the unique wonder that is your child.
there are numerous simple ways you can celebrate your children each day without trapping them in your approval.
if you're sitting at a table together, tell them how much you enjoy eating a meal with them.
when they spontaneously take your hand, share how much you love holding hands.
the first time you see them in the morning, tell them what a blessing it is to wake up in the same home as they're in.
when children and teenagers are consistently loved in this way, they grow up with the sense of their intrinsic rightness and wholeness.
this will provide them with an emotional integrity that will help them develop meaningful and respectful connections with others, while allowing them to self-actualize.
letting go who you think your child should be is no small task.
it asks you to surrender a mindset and behaviors that you likely inherited from your own parents.
but the benefits are well worth it, and twofold.
once you remove your judge's wig and toss away your gavel, you become more available to respond to your child's needs as they arise.
this will deepen your kinship with your child, nourishing the both of you.
parent from wholeness, not hurt#
parent from wholeness, not hurt many adults enter parenthood carrying pain from their own childhood experiences.
for instance, your parents may never fully have connected with their own authentic essence because of how they were raised.
so when you look to them to see your essence reflected back, you were met with blankness, or your parents' ideas of who and how you should be.
this sabotaged your much-needed sense of rightness and wholeness, causing you intense and ongoing pain.
sadly, if parents don't commit to becoming more aware, this cycle of pain repeats across the generations, having huge ramifications for children, grandchildren, and those who follow them.
this pain is often what prevents us from becoming aware, which is why it's important to investigate and tend to your wounds, with professional support if needed, to stop them from interfering with your ability to parent consciously.
there are three typical types of wounds that arise from how we've been parented.
the first is feeling like we're not good enough.
in this scenario, your authentic essence wasn't validated and celebrated in childhood, leaving you stuck with a sense that something was lacking in you.
in a subconscious attempt to counter this lack, you might set unattainable standards for yourself and others.
and without meaning to you, you may place undue pressure on your children and judge them harshly.
people-pleasing-to-win-approval is the second type of wound.
if you witnessed your parents prioritizing other people's needs over their own, you likely adopted this behavior, assuming that you're not as valuable or important as others.
but this approach to life breeds resentment and isn't sustainable long-term.
as they grow, children must learn to meet their own needs, so they can ultimately take responsibility for themselves and their emotions.
it's your task as a parent to stop people-pleasing.
you're a role model.
meet your own needs for the sake of your child.
finally, there's the inability to be your authentic self.
when parents discourage us from being the way we are, we do our best to twist ourselves into the person they think we should be.
when this happens, not only do we lose touch with who we really are, but we start blaming others for our mistakes or shortcomings, afraid that our true colors might accidentally be revealed.
if you weren't allowed to be who you were as a child, you'll likely find it difficult to let your own children be themselves, making them feel guilty for behaving in ways that don't match your vision.
becoming a conscious parent is a great opportunity to reconnect with your authentic self.
awareness is a tool that lets you do this.
make it a habit to interrogate your feelings and behaviors, so that you engage with your child in a way that's true to the inherently loving being that you are, not the wounds you sustained in childhood.
that way, both you and your child will be free to fully be yourselves.
swap “doing” for “being”#
swap doing for being busyness is endemic among modern adults.
we tend to measure our worth according to how much we do, earn, and socialize.
but this habit isn't innate.
it's social conditioning.
and as a parent, you have the opportunity to offer your children new metrics to measure their value.
rather than forcing them into the cult of productivity and success, you can allow them to exist in the moment, and enjoy being in its purest form.
in stillness and unscheduled freedom, they can then explore their essence.
many adults shy away from the kind of stillness that allows connection with the self, avoiding it by overloading their calendars.
often, this obsessive busyness is used to suppress the feelings of incompleteness that arise when they're given space.
racing from appointment to activity to social event might temporarily quell angst, but it won't make it go away.
so much harm stems from this inability to simply be with ourselves.
but sitting quietly and relinquishing control are what allow us to reconnect with our oneness.
within this sense of oneness, we can experience the wonder of our very existence.
and with our oneness reinstated, we no longer feel incomplete, and can let go of our obsession with busyness.
by valuing being rather than doing, you can support your child in discovering that a sense of wholeness comes from within, not from the external world.
it has numerous other benefits, too.
most parents who practice being increase their ability to focus on their children's needs, because they've freed themselves of the anxieties that spur busyness.
in a state of being, drama is replaced with openness, abundance, and connection.
commit to creating an atmosphere of being at all times, not just on special occasions like family holidays or meals in a restaurant.
when your children speak to you, make a point of putting down what you're doing and looking them in the eye.
ensure that you take a few moments each morning to connect with your child.
when you pass them in the hallway or sit beside them on the couch, express your love for them.
spend time listening to your children every night before bed, and laughing together every day.
the most ordinary moment of the most ordinary day is the perfect moment to just be together.
make the everyday more than ok#
make the every day more than okay.
it's natural to feel a sense of pride when your child gets straight a's on their report card, is chosen for the lead role in a play, or wins a tennis tournament.
if your child is gifted and talented, by extension, it means you're special too.
and this gives your ego a happy little boost.
but sometimes the desire for children to be special turns into an obsession.
desperately seeking personal validation through our children's achievements, we vigilantly compare every aspect of them to their peers, evaluating where they have the potential to excel, and looking for ways to optimize their abilities.
children don't enter the world with a mindset of comparison and competition, or a need to distinguish themselves.
however, they quickly learn that adults value success, and that who they are now isn't as important as who their parents want them to become.
unaware parents can place so much emphasis on the future that children are robbed of their right to just be in the present.
before long, anxiety sets in, as they worry over whether or not they'll ever meet their parents' expectations.
it's no surprise that, in societies focused on success, children are experiencing eating disorders and self-harm at increasingly young ages.
of course, as a parent, you'll want your children to have ample opportunities to explore their natural abilities.
but the conscious parent understands the distinction between valuing and appreciating children simply for being, and valuing and appreciating them for what they've achieved.
any engagement in interests and talents should be led by children's authentic expression of themselves, and not a parent's desire for them to be special.
parenting with awareness means cherishing the wonder and joy that lies in the ordinary, not the exceptional.
instill in your child a sense of magic in everyday moments, the excitement of reading a new book together, the comforting warmth of soup on a cold day, the happiness of spending time with friends, and the endless beauty of nature.
celebrating these small, ordinary moments diffuses the power, pressure, and inertia of bigger success.
and this, in turn, allows children to grow into adults who value the moment, their focus not constantly pinned to future hopes.
freed from the need to be special, children can choose goals and dreams that honor their essence, rather than those that fulfill a parent's fantasy.
embrace imperfection#
embrace imperfection when you make a mistake, what do you hope from others?
a reprimand?
or forgiveness, compassion, and release?
mistakes in life are inevitable, regardless of our age.
just as you would like to be met with understanding, you should offer your children the same courtesy when they make mistakes.
parenting consciously means viewing mistakes as learning opportunities, not grounds for anger, annoyance, or punishment.
this approach frees children from fear so they feel empowered to try again and not stagnate.
often parents make assumptions about why a child has made a mistake in the first place.
these assumptions are typically both negative and incorrect.
without awareness, we heap shame onto our children by comparing them to their peers or belittling them.
statements like, you didn't pass that test because you're lazy.
you're rude and inconsiderate when you speak to me.
or you didn't do your chores because you only care about yourself.
imply that your child is acting from a place of malevolence.
but telling children we perceive them negatively throws them into a state of helplessness.
children, especially teenagers, on the receiving end of this behavior, will diligently build walls around themselves, becoming distant to avoid the pain we cause them.
before long, worn out by the weight of their shame, they either shut down entirely or imitate their parents by bullying others.
to avoid this path, conscious parents role-model acceptance of their own mistakes as a normal part of life and an opportunity to learn.
forgot the lunchboxes?
left the oven on?
thoughtlessly said something hurtful?
instead of viewing these incidents as the product of badness, adults can demonstrate self-compassion and solution-seeking, then follow through.
perhaps you'll stick a checklist to the door, reminding you about the lunchboxes or the oven.
or you'll take responsibility for your thoughtless words and apologize.
when your children make mistakes, approach the situation as a chance for self-discovery, rather than a chance to learn about achieving perfection.
for instance, if your children fail a test, don't tell them they need to study harder.
instead, wait until they're calm and sit down with them compassionately.
ask if, in the process of taking the test, they unearthed any clues about their learning style.
this opens the door to experimentation and solution-seeking, without shame.
focus on why the mistake occurred, rather than what occurred.
the why is what holds the potential for a different choice next time.
final summary#
Conclusion
so that was our chapter to the conscious parent by shefali sabri.
in this chapter, you've learned that becoming a parent is an opportunity to shed your ego and social conditioning, tend to your wounds, and reconnect with your own authenticity, while you nurture that of your child.
when you embrace this approach to parenthood, you become your child's companion on the journey to live fully.
and all you need to achieve this is awareness.
this journey of growing self-awareness is one that takes time, daily commitment, and practice.
but every small moment of greater consciousness shifts the dynamic you share with your child for the better, freeing them a little more to explore and inhabit their authentic essence and become who they truly are.
thanks so much for listening.
if you've got a moment, please leave us a rating or a comment.
we always appreciate your feedback.
and i'll see you in the next chapter.
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