Not Nice

many of us have been taught that being nice is the key to success and strong relationships. we’ve learned to avoid conflict, prioritize others’ needs, and seek approval in every interaction. but over time, this constant people-pleasing can leave you feeling frustrated, unfulfilled, and disconnected from your true self. the desire to be liked can hold you back from setting boundaries, saying no, and expressing your real thoughts and desires.

it’s time to break out of the niceness trap and start living authentically. you don’t have to sacrifice kindness to stop being nice; instead, it’s about reclaiming your power, setting clear boundaries, and speaking up for yourself with confidence.

in this chapter, you’ll learn how to stop seeking approval, set boundaries, assert your needs, and follow a practical 30-day plan to build boldness and authenticity in every aspect of your life.

but let’s start by taking a closer look at exactly why being nice isn’t as great as you might think.

are you a nice person? if someone told you to be nice at a social event, what would that mean to you? most likely, you’d smile, nod, avoid confrontation, and try to blend in. niceness, in this context, is about managing others’ perceptions – ensuring everyone around you feels comfortable, and avoiding any form of disagreement or disapproval.

at its core, being nice is about maintaining harmony by keeping a low profile, avoiding conflict, and suppressing your true thoughts. it’s driven by the belief that if you please others, avoid ruffling feathers, and make everything smooth, people will like you and give you what you want – whether that’s friendship, promotions, or approval. however, this approach is flawed. striving to be nice doesn’t lead to genuine connection or success; instead, it results in self-monitoring, anxiety, and frustration.

niceness revolves around seeking approval, causing you to constantly scan for signs that someone might be unhappy with you. you end up performing for others, worrying about whether your actions or words are “good enough,” all while suppressing your real opinions, feelings, and needs. this behavior is exhausting and unsustainable. it also prevents you from being authentic, and can even repel the very approval you’re seeking.

the opposite of nice isn’t being rude or disrespectful – it’s being real. it’s about being direct, honest, and willing to express your true thoughts, even when it might create discomfort. authenticity allows you to show who you really are, paving the way for deeper connections, more meaningful relationships, and personal freedom.

by letting go of the need to be nice, you free yourself from the constant pressure of pleasing others. you gain the power to make choices based on your values and desires, without the fear of disapproval. this shift is the first step toward breaking the cycle of people-pleasing and starting to live with confidence. next, we’ll explore how the need for approval drives this cycle, and what you can start doing about it.

when you meet someone new, do you find yourself hoping they like you? this natural desire to be liked can quickly turn into a need for approval, driving many of your social interactions. instead of being yourself, you might smile too much, agree even when you don’t, or hold back your real thoughts. while this keeps things polite and conflict-free, it often leads to feeling disconnected and unfulfilled.

the need for approval starts as early as childhood, when we learn how to behave to gain love and acceptance from parents, teachers, and peers. over time, these behaviors become ingrained habits. as adults, many of us are still following this conditioning, constantly seeking others’ validation and avoiding disapproval at all costs. you may avoid saying no, hesitate to speak up, or even second-guess everything you say, all in an effort to be liked. this type of behavior, though aimed at keeping relationships smooth, ends up being inauthentic and draining.

in reality, approval-seeking often backfires. people can sense when you’re being overly agreeable or withholding your true self. this lack of authenticity weakens your relationships and can even make others less likely to take you seriously. the more you focus on avoiding disapproval, the more you undermine your confidence and social power.

to break free from approval-seeking, start by becoming aware of when it shows up in your life. notice the situations where you hold back or try too hard to fit in. instead of allowing your need for approval to drive your behavior, shift your focus to being authentic and true to your values. the goal isn’t to eliminate the desire for approval entirely, but to recognize that real connection and confidence come from showing up as your genuine self.

next, we’ll explore the personal and emotional costs of being overly nice.

being overly nice may seem like a positive trait, but it comes with hidden costs that affect your mental, emotional, and social well-being. think about how often you put others first, always trying to please, yet find yourself stressed, anxious, or frustrated afterward. the reality is that striving to be nice all the time can lead to anxiety, resentment, and even physical health issues, as the constant need to please weighs you down.

one of the most common costs of being overly nice is anxiety. you may constantly worry about how others perceive you, replaying conversations and agonizing over whether you said the right thing. this cycle of rumination keeps you stuck in a state of stress and fear of judgment. it’s exhausting, and it chips away at your confidence over time.

another consequence is resentment. while you may not express it openly, the frustration of always putting others first can build up. you may feel anger toward those who demand your niceness, and even bitterness toward yourself for never saying no. suppressing this anger can also result in physical pain, such as headaches, stomach issues, or chronic back pain, as your body carries the burden of unaddressed emotions.

furthermore, being overly nice can leave you feeling powerless and isolated. when you consistently prioritize others’ needs over your own, it becomes easy to feel invisible in both personal and professional relationships. niceness creates a barrier to authenticity, preventing you from forming deeper connections and leaving you feeling lonely despite your efforts to please.

the emotional, physical, and social costs of niceness are too high to ignore. to live a more authentic and empowered life, it’s essential to recognize these hidden tolls. the next step is understanding how to set boundaries and confidently say no when needed.

setting boundaries is essential to building stronger relationships and asserting your own needs. for many people, the absence of boundaries leads to constantly prioritizing others’ desires and emotions over their own, resulting in resentment, stress, and dissatisfaction. think about how often you’ve felt responsible for someone else’s feelings, afraid that asserting yourself might upset them. this over-responsibility can make you feel invisible in your own life.

boundaries define where you end and others begin. they allow you to recognize your own needs and protect your emotional well-being. without clear boundaries, you’re left feeling anxious, overextended, and often guilty for not living up to others’ expectations. to change this, start by consistently asking yourself, “what do i want?” and taking time to honor your preferences, even if they’re different from what others want. acknowledging what you don’t want is equally valuable in helping you become clear on your boundaries.

setting boundaries also requires the ability to say no. though uncomfortable, saying no is essential for breaking the habit of always accommodating others. without this, relationships become unbalanced, leading to frustration and burnout. remember, you are not responsible for other people’s emotions. each person must manage their own feelings, just as you must manage yours. this shift in mindset is key to letting go of guilt and anxiety when you prioritize your own needs.

healthy boundaries enhance relationships, giving you the energy and confidence to connect with others without sacrificing yourself. it’s not about being selfish, but about valuing your experience as much as you value others’. this empowers you to create more balanced, respectful interactions. with strong boundaries, you can navigate social and professional settings with a clear sense of what’s acceptable to you.

this foundation of clear boundaries sets the stage for the next step: confidently speaking up, expressing your true thoughts and feelings, and embracing assertiveness even in challenging or uncomfortable situations.

speaking up in difficult situations can feel daunting. maybe a colleague dominates the conversation at work, or you hesitate to voice your opinion in social settings, fearing you might upset someone. these situations are common, but staying silent often leads to frustration and feeling overlooked. expressing yourself assertively, even in uncomfortable circumstances, is key to being heard and respected, both at work and in personal relationships.

at the heart of speaking up is recognizing that your thoughts and needs matter as much as anyone else’s. it begins by shifting your mindset away from passivity and people-pleasing tendencies, which often stem from wanting to avoid conflict or discomfort. when you stay passive, hoping others will notice your needs, you deny yourself the opportunity to connect authentically with those around you. instead of internalizing your frustrations, assertiveness encourages direct communication, through which you clearly express your wants while still considering the other person’s needs.

the key is balancing your needs with respect for others. assertive communication isn’t about being aggressive or dominating. it’s about confidently stating what you want, without diminishing the other person. this applies in every area of life – whether you’re contributing ideas at work, asking for what you need in a relationship, or addressing disagreements head-on.

being assertive also means understanding that people are resilient. often, we hesitate to speak up because we fear the other person will be hurt or upset, or even retaliate. but emotions are temporary. learning to accept that others can handle difficult conversations helps remove the guilt or fear that keeps you from speaking your mind.

as you start to express yourself more openly, you’ll find that the simple act of speaking up – regardless of the outcome – empowers you. it brings a sense of closure, reduces built-up resentment, and helps you create more authentic connections. next, we’ll explore how being “selfish” is not only healthy but essential for self-care and personal growth.

have you ever found yourself saying yes to something you really didn’t want to do, just to avoid disappointing someone else? many people think that prioritizing their own needs is selfish, but the truth is, healthy selfishness is essential for personal well-being. when you constantly put others first, it can lead to resentment, burnout, and unhappiness – not only for yourself but for the people you’re trying to please.

selfishness isn’t inherently bad. there’s a difference between destructive selfishness, in which you disregard others entirely, and healthy self-interest, which involves taking care of yourself so that you have the energy and ability to genuinely care for others. finding balance on this spectrum is key to improving your relationships and overall happiness.

at one extreme, there’s self-sacrifice – meaning you never put yourself first, and leading to stress and resentment. at the other extreme is callous selfishness, where you only focus on your own needs without considering others. the goal is to find the middle ground, where you can advocate for yourself, say no when needed, and still be caring and connected to those around you.

failing to prioritize your own needs doesn’t make you a better person; it makes you exhausted and emotionally drained. it’s often the cause of physical and emotional burnout. learning to put yourself first in a thoughtful, skillful way not only benefits you but also those around you – because when you’re well-rested, fulfilled, and happy, you can give more freely and generously.

as you begin to recognize the importance of healthy self-interest, you’ll find that you can better maintain your own well-being while supporting others. this creates a win-win for everyone involved, as it fosters healthier, more balanced relationships. now that we’ve explored why this mindset shift is important, let’s move on to practical strategies for putting these ideas into action.

if you’re ready to put everything into action, the next 30 days can provide a practical roadmap for transforming your relationships and personal life by stepping out of people-pleasing habits and into boldness and authenticity.

for the first week, focus on building a strong foundation. begin by assessing where you are and why change is necessary. reflect on how excessive niceness has held you back, and write down your motivations for being more assertive. to help shift your mindset, start letting go of the need for approval by repeating the phrase, “i don’t need your approval” in various interactions. additionally, create a personal bill of rights – a list that should include things like your right to say no, to express yourself, and to prioritize your own needs. use this to reinforce your boundaries and remind yourself of your worth.

in the second week, start working through discomfort. face situations that typically make you feel awkward or vulnerable. for example, mentally rehearse receiving disapproval from someone, and sit with the discomfort without trying to avoid it. another exercise involves asking for something small for free – this will help you get comfortable with rejection. it’s also important to begin saying “i disagree” in conversations, a simple but powerful step in standing up for your own opinions without worrying about others’ approval.

by week three, focus on gaining more freedom by owning your power. practice saying “no” without offering explanations or feeling guilty. tackle difficult conversations that you’ve been avoiding, whether with friends, family, or colleagues. these conversations are key to asserting your needs and taking control of your life.

week four is all about embracing boldness fully. ask for what you truly want, even when it feels uncomfortable. adopt the “hell yes or hell no” mindset – if something doesn’t excite you, don’t agree to it. this final stage is about staying true to yourself and solidifying these new, bold habits in your everyday life.

by following these steps over the next 30 days, you can strengthen your boundaries, express yourself confidently, and live unapologetically. keep applying these principles, and watch as boldness becomes part of who you are.

the main takeaway of this chapter to not nice by aziz gazipura is that breaking free from being overly nice unlocks freedom and personal fulfillment. letting go of the need for approval, setting boundaries, and embracing healthy selfishness allow you to prioritize your needs without guilt. by practicing boldness, you build confidence, deepen your relationships, and live with greater purpose. with ongoing practice, you can transform not only how you interact with others but also how you lead your life, creating a future full of genuine connections and self-respect.

okay, that’s it for this chapter. we hope you enjoyed it. if you can, please take the time to leave us a rating – we always appreciate your feedback. see you in the next chapter.