I Never Thought of It That Way

have you noticed how difficult it’s become to have calm political conversations – even with close friends and family? 

research indicates that 86 percent of americans believe democrats and republicans are more interested in opposing each other than solving real issues. not only that, 40 percent feel the country is on the brink of failure due to these divisions. while education and information are important, they aren’t enough to bridge the gap. what’s needed is a genuine willingness to ask questions and listen with curiosity to people who hold different beliefs.

in this chapter, you’ll discover how your curiosity can help break down barriers. by the end, you’ll be ready to rethink how you approach political differences and tackle even the most challenging discussions with curiosity, empathy, and renewed hope for finding common ground. let’s get started.

you’ve probably heard the phrase “birds of a feather flock together.” well, that’s what the author, mónica guzmán, refers to as sorting. sorting happens when people naturally cluster into groups that share similar views, values, and ideologies. put simply, we humans love being alike. this sorting can occur geographically – people move to neighborhoods where the political leanings align with their own – and socially, as they form relationships with others who think like them.

in today’s world, social media algorithms have intensified sorting by showing us content that reflects our existing beliefs. this, in turn, has led to the creation of echo chambers where we’re surrounded by people and messages that reinforce our worldview. sorting isn’t inherently harmful per se, but it does become a problem when it prevents us from hearing or understanding opposing perspectives. it leaves us blind to the validity of other viewpoints and creates a distorted sense of reality.

then, there’s othering, which takes sorting one step further. once we’re sorted into like-minded groups, it becomes easy to view those outside our group as fundamentally different, wrong, or even immoral. there’s us, and then there’s them.

othering happens when we strip people of their individuality and reduce them to their political affiliation. in this process, we begin to vilify those who don’t share our views, seeing them not as complex human beings but as enemies or obstacles. othering dehumanizes our opponents and makes it nearly impossible to have respectful conversations with them. the more we “other” people, the more entrenched we become in our own beliefs, and the less willing we are to listen.

finally, there’s siloing, which occurs when we limit ourselves to information and conversations that align with our worldview.

in siloed environments, people only consume media and engage in discussions that confirm their beliefs. this reinforces the intellectual echo chamber where contradictory information is either ignored or dismissed. siloing not only shields us from other viewpoints, but also fosters a dangerous certainty that we’re right, while those who disagree are completely wrong. this dynamic feeds polarization by strengthening that divide between “us” and “them.”

but there is a solution: curiosity. we’ll look at that next.

curiosity starts with a simple yet powerful question: what am i missing? this question helps challenge the narrow views that come from sorting, othering, and siloing. when you stay within your bubble, the comfort of familiar opinions shields you from outside perspectives. but asking this question forces you to step beyond your bubble and engage with viewpoints you might otherwise overlook. there’s no easy answer, no quick fix – what’s missing can only be uncovered through real conversations with people who see the world differently. so, how can you begin this process?

the first step is recognizing that everyone views the world differently. though we live in the same world, our experiences shape our worldviews in unique ways. the question what am i missing? encourages you to see things from someone else’s perspective. when that happens, you’ll experience what guzmán calls an intoit moment – a moment where you realize, “i never thought of it that way.” when you encounter such moments, reflect on how they challenge or reinforce your own views. did they shake the foundations of your perspective, or strengthen them?

to experience more intoit moments, start engaging with people outside your usual circles. this can create some friction, but you can overcome that by following a four-step approach. first, recognize the gaps in your knowledge – this is where curiosity begins. next, broaden your understanding by actively seeking new information. third, resist the temptation to settle for easy answers; keep digging and asking questions. finally, embrace complexity. avoid oversimplifying, and stay curious as you explore deeper insights. continually asking, what am i missing? will help you grow beyond simplistic views.

good conversations tend to build on themselves – if you let them. start by asking a question, then follow up on the response, and keep the dialogue going with new questions that explore gaps in your knowledge. this method creates a continuous flow of learning. beyond just gaining information, conversations also help build bonds. the more time you spend engaging thoughtfully, the more trust you create with your conversation partner, allowing you to explore tougher, more complex topics. by following these principles, you can reduce tension and foster a more open, productive dialogue across divides.

traction in conversations means establishing a solid foundation for meaningful exchanges, especially on difficult topics. guzmán suggests using the “traction loop” – a set of skills designed to keep dialogue productive: listening, observing, offering, and pulling. listen carefully for underlying ideas and emotions, observe nonverbal cues and the context of the conversation, offer your thoughts in a collaborative way, and pull the other person into deeper exploration with thoughtful questions. when used together, these skills create balance and momentum, making it easier to engage in even the trickiest conversations and keeping the dialogue open and engaging.

one of the most common traps in conversations is making assumptions about what someone believes. these assumptions can obscure the real person behind their ideas and lead to misunderstandings. while assumptions do help us make sense of the world, they often limit us from seeing the whole picture. recognizing when these assumptions arise and pushing past them by asking open-ended, thoughtful questions allows you to move beyond surface-level judgments and explore the full depth of another person’s perspective. this mindset opens the door to more meaningful connections.

think of the story of the blind men and the elephant. each blind man feels only one part of the elephant – one touches the ear, and believes the elephant is like a winnowing basket; another grasps the tail, and thinks the elephant like a pestle; still another holds the trunk, and believes the elephant is like a plow. each is convinced their interpretation represents the entire truth, when in reality they’re only seeing a fraction of the bigger picture. just like the blind men, if we cling too tightly to our limited perspectives in conversation, we miss the chance to see things more fully. by combining perspectives, we get closer to understanding the whole truth. in dialogue, this means staying curious, especially when your own views are being challenged, and actively seeking the parts of the “elephant” you may be missing.

to encourage this openness, reflect on the reasoning behind your beliefs, making sure they’re based on solid foundations rather than unchallenged assumptions. take note of the core values or points that keep coming up in your thoughts, and pay attention to what the other person repeatedly brings up, too. these are clues to the values that drive both your perspectives.

people’s opinions aren’t just isolated beliefs; they reflect their identity and values. when you explore the personal stories behind someone’s opinions, you shift the conversation away from debate and toward connection. instead of focusing on whether a stance is “right” or “wrong,” explore how someone’s values, background, and life experiences have shaped their viewpoint. this shift creates more meaningful conversations and encourages empathy and connection across even the deepest divides.

finally, talking points shouldn’t be seen as the end of the discussion but as starting points for deeper exploration. when you treat them this way, the conversation can continue to grow rather than becoming stuck or turning into a static debate. this approach can transform difficult conversations from arguments into opportunities for better understanding, helping both sides to see beyond their assumptions and engage in richer, more balanced exchanges.

have you ever watched a movie that left you sunk thinking? not just because of its plot, but because it connected to something personal? maybe it mirrored your own experiences or touched on values that you hold dear. a movie resonates with you when it taps into your own life or what matters to you most. in much the same way, conversations are shaped by more than just facts. beliefs are influenced by the experiences we live, the values we prioritize, and the emotional attachments we form. understanding these influences in both yourself and others can transform your conversations into deeper, more empathetic exchanges.

beliefs and opinions don’t just emerge from abstract reasoning – they’re deeply shaped by personal experiences. the way someone sees the world is often a direct result of the events, environments, and relationships they’ve lived through. when engaging in conversation, remember that what someone believes is often the outcome of their personal experience. instead of focusing on winning a debate, explore how their life experiences have led them to think the way they do. ask open-ended questions about their background or key moments in their lives to gain insight into their perspective.

in addition to experiences, values play a significant role in shaping beliefs. people prioritize different things, whether that’s justice, freedom, security, community, or something else. these priorities influence how they interpret situations and form their opinions. understanding which values matter most to someone helps explain why they see certain issues the way they do. it’s not enough to talk about facts; grasping the values that underlie beliefs is essential to having a meaningful conversation that moves beyond disagreement and into mutual understanding.

another important factor is attachments – the emotional investments people make in their beliefs. these attachments are often tied to personal identity, culture, or long-standing traditions, making them difficult to challenge without triggering defensiveness. when beliefs are strongly connected to someone’s sense of self, any critique can feel like a personal attack. approach these conversations with empathy and sensitivity. recognize that attachments can be deeply emotional.

by considering experiences, values, and attachments, your conversations stop being about changing someone’s mind but rather about understanding the full complexity of that person’s perspective. adopting this approach will lead to richer, more thoughtful exchanges, where the goal isn’t to win but to build a genuine connection across differences.

there’s an old joke about a boy who walks into a barn and, after seeing a man lowering his pants and a woman lifting her skirt, rushes to tell his dad that they’re going to pee on the hay. his dad laughs and tells him he’s got the right facts, but the wrong conclusion. this story is a reminder as to how easily we can misinterpret what we see, especially when we don’t have all the information. to bridge gaps in understanding, we should approach conversations with genuine curiosity. but curiosity alone isn’t enough – it has to be paired with honesty.

honesty is what makes curiosity meaningful. if people hold back or mask their true thoughts, no real connection is made. to communicate clearly, both sides need to express themselves fully – and a big part of that is listening. when you listen attentively, this demonstrates that the other person matters. make sure you’ve understood properly, too, even if that means interrupting the other person’s flow. try paraphrasing what the person said, and confirm by asking whether you got it right or whether you missed anything. check that they have understood you, too. you could ask, does that make sense?

openness is just as important. express your thoughts honestly while also giving the other person room to share theirs. when you’re open, you listen to understand, not just to respond. remember that questions are powerful – people feel obliged to answer an asked question – so ask your questions with care. when your questions are curious, answerable, raw, and exploring, then you’re probably asking the right ones.

when honesty, clarity, and openness come together, conversations become less about proving someone right or wrong and more about understanding one another. this shift leads to deeper connections and more meaningful exchanges, even when you don’t agree about everything.

the main takeaway of this chapter to i never thought of it that way, by mónica guzmán, is this: the importance of curiosity, empathy, and open-mindedness in overcoming political and ideological divides cannot be overstated. people often sort themselves into like-minded groups, othering those who think differently, and siloing themselves from opposing views. to break these patterns, engage in conversations that challenge assumptions and explore diverse perspectives with an open mind. asking thoughtful questions and genuinely listening can help create understanding even in difficult discussions.

remember that beliefs are shaped by personal experiences, values, and emotional attachments. by recognizing this, conversations can shift from combative debates to deeper exchanges where the focus is on connection rather than winning. honest communication, active listening, and a willingness to check your perspective by asking, what am i missing? can lead to more meaningful dialogues and reduced polarization.

okay, that’s it for this chapter. we hope you enjoyed it. if you can, please take the time to leave us a rating – we always appreciate your feedback. see you in the next chapter.