Conversational Intelligence

think back to your last challenging conversation. did it leave you feeling energized and hopeful, or completely drained and frustrated? surprisingly, the way we feel during and after conversations isn’t just about the words spoken – it’s about what’s happening in our brains. throughout a conversation, our brains produce chemicals that significantly shape how we think, feel, and connect. these neurological responses can either build trust or deepen mistrust, influencing the outcome of our interactions.

by understanding and influencing these responses, you can foster stronger relationships, spark collaboration, and even turn difficult discussions into opportunities for connection and growth. judith glaser’s groundbreaking research blends neuroscience, practical strategies, and real-world examples to provide the tools you need to master impactful communication and build trust in every interaction.

in this chapter, you’ll explore why certain words trigger defensive reactions, how to identify conversation patterns that stifle creativity, and the secrets to fostering deep trust that fuels collaboration. most importantly, you’ll learn how to transform everyday discussions into opportunities for positive change. ready to uncover the science behind inspiring conversations? then let’s dive in.

your brain is incredibly sensitive to conversations. every interaction triggers a cascade of powerful hormones that shape how you think, feel, and connect with others. when your brain perceives a conversation as threatening, it releases cortisol, the stress hormone. your heart rate increases, your thinking becomes clouded, and you shift into protective mode. this defensive state makes it harder to process information, solve problems, or build trust.

in contrast, when you feel safe and heard in a conversation, your brain releases oxytocin and dopamine. these chemicals promote trust, creative thinking, and positive engagement. they help you stay open to new ideas and make stronger connections with others. this biological response explains why the way you engage in conversations matters so much more than just the words you use.

the groundbreaking research of business anthropologist judith glaser revealed that effective conversations follow distinct patterns that keep our brains in a receptive, collaborative state. these patterns include sharing context before diving into content, asking questions that show genuine curiosity, and creating space for others to contribute fully.

you can see these dynamics play out in everyday workplace interactions. for instance, when ming's manager asked her why she hadn’t finished a report, her brain immediately shifted into defense mode. her body released cortisol instantly, so her heart rate soared and her throat went dry. she had trouble even speaking, let alone answering.

but if the manager took a different approach, perhaps asking about her progress, and offering support, the conversation creates a very different chemical reaction in ming. in the first situation, she jumps to her own defense, instead of focusing on the task at hand. in the second, she feels safe sharing challenges and brainstorming solutions – so progress gets made.

to transform your own conversations, start by noticing patterns that trigger distrust. watch for questions that feel like interrogations, assumptions that shut down dialogue, or attempts to prove you're right. instead, practice approaches that build trust. 

so when you discuss project challenges with your team, try to begin by explaining the bigger picture and inviting their input. this helps everyone's brains remain in an open, collaborative state.

and non-verbal communication matters too. your tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language all influence the brain's chemistry. when you maintain eye contact and speak with warmth, it helps direct reports feel psychologically safe enough to take risks and admit mistakes.

every conversation is an opportunity to either trigger protection or encourage connection. by understanding these dynamics, you can transform routine interactions into chances to build trust, spark innovation, and create positive change.

not all conversations are created equal. just as you might shift gears while driving, your brain engages at different levels during conversations. glaser identifies three distinct levels, each serving a unique purpose and creating different outcomes.

the first level focuses on confirming what you already know. these are the conversations where you exchange basic information, share updates, or confirm details. think of sending a quick email about meeting times or checking the status of a project. while these interactions are necessary, they rarely lead to new insights or deeper connections.

the second level opens the door to sharing and discovery. here, you advocate for your position while also staying curious about other perspectives. when elena leads her marketing team meetings, she presents her ideas but also actively encourages debate and alternative viewpoints. this level of conversation allows for healthy disagreement and often leads to better solutions than any individual could create alone.

the third and most powerful level of conversation creates transformative moments. these conversations combine deep trust with genuine curiosity, allowing people to explore new possibilities together. when carlos noticed his software team struggling with burnout, he initiated a series of open discussions about work-life balance. instead of prescribing solutions, he created space for honest sharing and collective problem-solving. the result was a complete reimagining of their work patterns, leading to higher productivity and improved team morale.

you can consciously move conversations to higher levels by adjusting your approach. the first step is recognizing the level at which you usually operate. are your interactions often limited to safe, transactional exchanges? or do you sometimes find yourself pushing your ideas without fully listening to others? gaining awareness of your default communication patterns lays the foundation for broadening your conversational range and creating more meaningful connections.

in addition, focus on asking questions that encourage deeper exploration. instead of seeking agreement or confirmation, shift the focus to possibilities. for example, when priya meets with her mentee, she goes beyond typical career advice by asking reflective questions like, "what energizes you most about your work?" or "how might we approach this challenge differently?"

remember that higher-level conversations thrive in environments of psychological safety. building trust is key. create supportive spaces by choosing the right timing, demonstrating openness, and showing through your actions that it's okay to take risks and share innovative ideas.

by skillfully navigating between different levels of conversation, you can transform relationships and unlock new opportunities for collaboration and creativity.

think of trust in conversations like a living garden. just as plants respond to sunlight, water, and care, trust grows or withers based on how you nurture your interactions. some conversational patterns act like nutrients, helping trust and connection flourish, while others work like toxins, slowly withering relationships into dust.

so imagine that your own conversations create either fertile or barren soil for relationships. when you consistently share information openly, acknowledge others' perspectives, and follow through on commitments, you enrich the soil. when you withhold information, dismiss ideas, or break promises, you deplete it. over time, these small actions accumulate to create either an environment where trust can thrive, or one where it struggles to take root.

you can monitor your conversation garden by paying attention to key indicators through regular reflection. notice how often you practice transparency versus keeping information private. watch whether you tend to advocate for your own views or make space for others to contribute. consider how frequently you ask questions versus making statements.

take sarah, an engineering manager who noticed trust declining in her team. by tracking her communication patterns, she realized she often interrupted others and rushed to solutions. when she began intentionally pausing, listening fully, and validating contributions before moving to action, she began to see engagement blossom.

amar applied similar awareness to rebuild trust with his clients. he started noting how much time he spent sharing his expertise versus understanding their needs. by shifting this balance and consistently demonstrating respect for their perspectives, he transformed struggling relationships into strong partnerships.

to tend your own conversation garden, start by observing your typical patterns. do you create space for different viewpoints to grow? do you nurture new ideas with curiosity, or do you prune them back with quick judgments? notice how others respond to your conversational style. do they open up and share freely, or do they hold back?

then make small, consistent adjustments. practice asking more questions. share your thinking process instead of just your conclusions. when maya leads project reviews, she now starts by gathering input before sharing her own observations. this approach helps everyone feel valued and invested in the outcome.

remember that like any garden, trust requires constant attention. small daily actions matter more than grand gestures. by mindfully tending to your conversational practices, you can create an environment where trust, innovation, and collaboration naturally thrive.

every driver knows about the dangers of blind spots – those hidden areas where you can miss seeing important things around you. the same principle applies to conversations, where certain patterns and habits can hide crucial information from your awareness. these conversational blind spots can undermine even your best intentions to communicate effectively.

one common blind spot is assuming you understand the intentions of others. your brain naturally fills in gaps with its own interpretations, often jumping to conclusions that reflect your fears or past experiences rather than current reality. 

when dev received a brief and curt sounding email from his colleague, he immediately assumed she was angry with him. in reality, she was rushing between meetings and trying to be efficient with her time.

another blind spot involves overestimating how clearly you express yourself. you know exactly what you mean, so it's easy to forget that others don't share your full context or understanding. zara thought she had clearly explained the project timeline to her team, but she had forgotten to mention several key assumptions that shaped her planning because she had assumed they were self-evident. it wasn’t until multiple deadlines were missed that she realized the gap in communication.

you might also be blind to how your emotional state affects your communication. stress, anxiety, or frustration can color your words and tone in ways you don't realize. when lee was feeling pressured about upcoming deadlines, his questions to his team became sharper and more critical without him realizing it. this shift in his approach triggered negative reactions from his team, which only heightened his stress and created a feedback loop of tension and miscommunication.

to overcome these blind spots, start by slowing down your assumptions. when you feel certain about someone's intentions or meaning, pause and consider other possibilities. practice saying help me understand instead of acting on your first interpretation. you’ll be surprised how much you learn with just this small conversational change.

and pay attention to feedback, both verbal and non-verbal. if people often seem confused by your instructions, or if you frequently hear that's not what i meant, you might be overlooking important communication gaps. notice when conversations don't flow as expected or when you get surprising reactions. these are important moments to stay open and curious.

one effective strategy to acquire helpful feedback is to create regular check-ins. sofia now takes time during project discussions to ask team members to share their interpretation of key decisions. this simple practice has prevented numerous misunderstandings and delays.

also, remember that emotions are contagious in conversations. before engaging in important discussions, pause to assess your emotional state. reflect on how your mood might influence your tone and style, and make adjustments if needed. this awareness can help prevent unintended tension or miscommunication.

by acknowledging and actively working to overcome these blind spots, you can significantly improve the quality and effectiveness of your conversations.

just as a skilled carpenter relies on specific tools for different tasks, you can develop a practical toolkit for more effective conversations. there are several powerful techniques identified by judith glaser’s research that you can start using immediately to transform your interactions.

one essential tool is the practice of priming. before any important conversation, take a moment to set positive intentions. think about what you want to create together, rather than focusing on problems or past issues. for example, when preparing for a difficult feedback session, first envision a successful outcome where all parties feel heard and valued.

another valuable technique involves expanding your questioning toolkit. move beyond basic fact-finding to ask questions that open new possibilities. instead of asking, “why did this project fail?” consider reframing it as, “what lessons can we carry forward?” this subtle shift changes the conversation's energy and invites more constructive responses. 

a third skill is learning to recognize and interrupt negative conversational patterns. when you notice tension rising or engagement dropping, practice what glaser calls a pattern interrupt. take a breath, change your physical position, or explicitly name what you're observing. for instance, during a heated work meeting, try suggesting short breaks when discussions become circular.

next, develop your skill at double-clicking, or going deeper into what others share. when someone makes a statement, resist the urge to immediately respond or solve it. instead, ask them to expand on their thinking. this shows respect for their perspective and also often reveals important insights.

also, practice linguistic tai chi – the art of joining with others' energy rather than opposing it. when someone raises concerns, acknowledge their perspective before adding your own. this creates partnership instead of opposition. you can use this approach to transform contentious negotiations into collaborative problem-solving sessions, with far better results for everyone involved.

and finally, remember to engage your whole body in conversations. your posture, facial expressions, and physical positioning all send powerful messages. create what glaser calls conversational space by maintaining open body language and managing physical distance appropriately. simply adjusting your seating position can invite more collaboration and less confrontation into a conversation.

these tools become more effective with practice. start by choosing one technique to focus on each week. with time and attention, these practices will become natural habits that consistently enhance your interactions.

in this chapter to conversational intelligence by judith glaser, you’ve learned that every conversation triggers specific brain chemicals that either build trust and innovation or create defensiveness and disconnection. by understanding three distinct levels of conversation – from simple information exchanges to transformative dialogues – you can consciously choose how to engage for better outcomes. just as you'd tend a garden, you can nurture trust through consistent actions like sharing context, showing curiosity, and creating safe spaces for honest dialogue. most importantly, by developing awareness of your conversational blind spots and applying specific tools like priming, pattern interrupts, and double-clicking, you can transform everyday interactions into opportunities for deeper connection and positive change.

okay, that’s it for this chapter. we hope you enjoyed it. if you can, please take the time to leave us a rating – we always appreciate your feedback. see you in the next chapter.