Confidence

do you ever feel like your self-worth is a yo-yo, constantly rising and falling based on external circumstances? 

what if there were a way to find lasting confidence that didn’t depend on fleeting successes or the opinions of others?

in this chapter, we’ll explore a fresh take on ancient buddhist wisdom, offering a path to genuine confidence through resilience. you’ll discover how to navigate life’s ups and downs with greater ease, from the highs of achievement to the lows of disappointment.

by mastering these skills, you’ll not only find inner stability but also deepen your connections with others and engage more fully with the world around you.

ready to build a confidence that withstands life’s constant changes? let’s begin.

we’ve all seen those inflatable tube figures flailing wildly outside car washes and dealerships. one moment they’re reaching for the sky, animated by a gust of wind, and the next they’re slumped over, lifeless and defeated. in many ways, we’re not so different. our sense of self-worth can soar with a simple compliment or plummet at the slightest criticism, leaving us emotionally whiplashed by life’s ups and downs. 

this emotional roller coaster isn’t just a modern affliction. over 2,500 years ago, the buddha identified eight “worldly winds” that buffet our psyche: pleasure and pain, praise and criticism, fame and insignificance, success and failure. these paired forces represent the experiences we chase or flee, the hopes that elate us and the fears that deflate us. despite all that’s changed in 2,500 years, these worldly winds are as relevant today as they were millennia ago.

in the buddhist tradition, the skill to navigate these turbulent winds is called upekkha. it’s often translated as “equanimity,” meaning calmness or composure. but another fitting interpretation might be “resilience.” upekkha isn’t about becoming an unfeeling statue, impervious to joy or sorrow. it’s about developing the ability to respond mindfully instead of reacting on autopilot.

cultivating this resilience forms the bedrock of genuine confidence. it’s a practice of holding your ground during life’s storms, responding with intention rather than being bowled over by every gust. this doesn’t mean the winds stop blowing – they don’t. you’ll always feel their effects. but with practice, you can become more flexible and adaptable, finding grace and strength amid your predicaments, as well as empathy for others facing similar struggles.

importantly, this journey has no final destination. there’s no graduation ceremony where you’re handed a master of confidence degree. it’s an ongoing practice, a perpetual engagement with life’s challenges and opportunities. in fact, confidence isn’t about eliminating our inner tube man – paradoxically, it’s about embracing his presence, understanding his reactions, and learning to dance gracefully with the winds that animate us all.

imagine standing in line at a bustling coffee shop, the aroma of freshly ground beans filling the air. as you wait, you notice your phone buzzing in your pocket. the urge to check it is almost irresistible. 

our evolutionary heritage has equipped us with nervous systems finely tuned to seek pleasure and avoid pain. these sensations are fundamental signals that have guided our species’ survival for millennia. yet, in our complex modern environment, this ancient wiring can lead us astray. our brains, adapted for a world of immediate physical threats, tend to exaggerate the importance of fleeting pleasures and pains, causing us to chase dopamine hits from our devices or avoid minor discomforts at all costs. 

this tendency has been expertly exploited by technology companies, creating what could be described as a dopamine dystopia. our smartphones and social media platforms have become portable pleasure dispensers, always at hand to numb us with a quick hit of satisfaction. but this constant stimulation comes at a cost, leaving us increasingly anxious, depressed, and unable to sit with even momentary boredom or discomfort. 

intriguingly, mindfulness practices offer a different approach to experiencing pain. studies of experienced meditators have shown that while they experience pain more clearly in the moment, they suffer less from anticipatory anxiety and from rumination afterward. this distinction between pain and suffering is crucial. pain is an unavoidable part of the human experience, but suffering – our mental anguish about pain – comes from our resistance to it. this can be mitigated through mindful awareness. 

one powerful tool in developing this awareness is the practice of noting your “feeling tone.” in other words, observe whether each moment’s experience is pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. this seemingly simple exercise can provide insights into your habitual reactions and help you break free from unconscious patterns of behavior.

as you cultivate this mindful awareness, you may notice yourself finding deep contentment in the simplest of experiences – much like the zen master savoring her tea. awareness doesn’t mean renouncing pleasure or seeking out pain, but rather engaging more fully and consciously with the entire spectrum of the human experience. in doing so, you might just find that the key to happiness isn’t in your phone after all, but in your capacity to be present with whatever arises in any given moment.

picture yourself at a bustling art gallery. it’s actually your opening, and your paintings are adorning the walls. as attendees mill about, their reactions wash over you like waves. each compliment buoys your spirits, while every furrowed brow or whispered critique sends you plummeting. 

the winds of praise and blame are a constant force in life, as relentless as gravity. we may find ourselves elated by a kind word, then crushed by a harsh comment. the whiplash can leave us dizzy and disoriented if we’re not careful. and as we saw earlier, today’s social media landscape has amplified these winds to gale force. our every post, tweet, or photo is subject to instant judgment from a global audience. 

but as we mature and grow older, we begin to recognize the impermanence and subjectivity of these judgments. the truth is, whether they’re positive or negative, none of these judgments fully define us. 

the disney movie coco has another take on impermanence: the idea that a person dies twice. the first death is when the body dies. the second, final death happens when no one in the land of the living remembers us well enough to make an offering on the family altar. when all memories of us fade, that’s when we’re truly gone.

this concept ties into two other worldly winds: fame and insignificance. we all want to be seen, to be known, to leave a mark. from time immemorial, people have sought immortality through conquest, charitable deeds, the accumulation of wealth or power, or by creating enduring cultural artifacts. in today’s world, this impulse finds new channels. with social media, we can track our “influence” in real time. likes, followers, subscribers – these have become the new currency of visibility. it’s intoxicating.

but there are humbling truths to be learned about our human transience. in time, even the most renowned among us will be forgotten. and even the historical figures that are still remembered are often misremembered, misinterpreted, or misunderstood.

this realization, though sobering, can be profoundly liberating. it frees us to focus on what truly matters – the quality of our relationships, the integrity of our actions, and the compassion we extend to others and ourselves.

one powerful practice is contemplating your aloneness. take time to sit quietly and consider what it’s like to be alive when nobody’s watching you. when there’s no way to track how many people are thinking about you, texting you, following you online. how do your body and mind feel then?

as you cultivate this equanimity, you can begin to approach influence more thoughtfully. if you gain a platform – in your family, community, or work – how do you want to use it? can you leverage your resources or fame to amplify and lift up others? can you create conditions where your influence helps others get what they need – and make the most of their lives?

this balance – between seeking recognition and maintaining inner stability, between using your influence and accepting your ultimate insignificance – is where true freedom lies. it allows you to accept praise, blame, fame, and obscurity so you can move through life with grace, presence, and connection.

imagine you’ve just landed your dream job. you’re elated. as you step into the elevator on your first day, a notification pops up on your phone: your best friend from college just got promoted to ceo of a fortune 500 company. in an instant, your moment of triumph deflates like a punctured balloon. 

this scenario encapsulates the insidious nature of the comparative mind –  that relentless tendency to measure our worth against others or an idealized version of ourselves. the comparative mind is merciless. it’s never satisfied. it whispers that there’s not enough success to go around, that someone else’s triumph diminishes our own. this scarcity mentality can make us petty, unable to celebrate others’ joys or even recognize our own accomplishments.

the worldly winds of success and failure can’t be used for navigation. they’re fleeting experiences – constructs we’ve created. what feels like a crushing defeat today may become a footnote in our personal history tomorrow. conversely, that moment of triumph we’ve been chasing may, once caught, leave us feeling oddly unsatisfied.

to counter this endless cycle of comparison and dissatisfaction, one practice is to cultivate mudita, which means “sympathetic joy.” by consciously sharing in others’ successes, you can begin to dissolve the illusion of scarcity and realize that there’s enough joy and achievement to go around. 

it’s also worth examining your envy. in doing so, you can reveal your own deepest longings, pointing the way toward your own path of growth.

meditation offers another powerful tool for breaking free from the comparative mind – and building resilience to the winds of success and failure. each meditation session is a series of small “failures” as your attention wanders from the breath again and again. yet these failures are the point – it’s only through recovering your attention after a failure that you have the opportunity to build mindfulness and concentration. 

it’s great to strive, and to dream big. the key is to hold those aspirations lightly, understanding that achieving a goal is just one moment in a rich and complex life. by cultivating a sense of “enoughness” that isn’t dependent on external validation, you can pursue your ambitions while remaining grounded in your inherent worth.

in the midst of the eight worldly winds, confidence emerges as a powerful stabilizing force. this confidence isn’t born of arrogance or invulnerability, but from a deep well of self-awareness, compassion, and agency.

true confidence begins with self-awareness – that spark of recognition when you glimpse your own inner landscape. this act of introspection bridges the gap between your idealized self and your lived experience, allowing you to embrace your whole being, flaws and all. but awareness alone isn’t enough. it needs to be coupled with self-compassion – a heartfelt concern for your own well-being that, paradoxically, expands your capacity to care for others.

compassion, for its part, starts with empathy – the ability to recognize and resonate with experiences beyond your own. next, it requires care – a genuine concern for others’ well-being that energizes rather than depletes you. and finally it takes agency – the willingness to take action on behalf of yourself and others. 

agency means having the power to act despite your fears and insecurities. without it, confidence remains a mere concept and can’t ever be fully realized. whether it’s overcoming a personal setback or standing up for social justice, agency is less about unwavering stability and more about showing up, time and again, in the face of life’s unpredictability. 

when your self-awareness, compassion, and agency are at play, your confidence will grow – becoming dynamic and flexible, and allowing you to remain grounded in your fundamental ok-ness regardless of external circumstances. this kind of confidence enables you to engage with the world’s complexities rather than seeking escape, empowering you to act for the benefit of all.

the main takeaway of this chapter to confidence by ethan nichtern is that true confidence comes from developing resilience to life’s ups and downs. by cultivating mindfulness and self-compassion, we can face the eight worldly winds – pleasure and pain, praise and blame, fame and obscurity, success and failure – with greater equanimity.

embrace the practice of noting your experiences without judgment. challenge your comparative mind by deliberately experiencing sympathetic joy for others’ successes. remember that your worth isn’t defined by external validation. instead, ground yourself in self-awareness and compassion. with this inner stability, you can engage with others more deeply and live life to the fullest. 

ok, that’s it for this chapter. we hope you enjoyed it. if you can, please take the time to leave us a rating – we always appreciate your feedback. see you soon.