This is a comprehensive summary of “Come Together” by Emily Nagoski. The book explores the science (and art!) of creating lasting sexual connections.

what’s in it for me? overcome barriers to sexual intimacy and embrace your erotic self.#

Introduction

emily nagoski, phd.

come together.

the science and art of creating lasting sexual connections.

while writing her previous book on sexual well-being, come as you are, author emily nagoski was confronted by a frustrating paradox.

she was spending every day thinking and writing about sex, yet she found herself completely lacking any desire for sex in her own marriage.

her situation was far from unique.

for many couples, the fabled spark fades at some point or chapters in and out throughout a relationship.

various life stresses, health concerns and even existential crises can create barriers to intimacy.

and unfortunately, the common solutions for spicing things up often focus on novelty or specific sexual behaviors rather than the root causes of intimacy issues.

in this chapter, we'll draw back the curtain on what really makes for great sex in the long term.

in the process, you'll develop a pleasure-focused mindset that applies regardless of gender, orientation or relationship structure, and one that allows your unique sexuality to flourish.

what we really want from sex#

what we really want from sex.

is sex a big deal for you?

right now, we invite you to consider this question seriously.

you may have spent forever assuming that sex must be important, but maybe you don't actually feel that way.

or the opposite.

sex is even more important to you than you feel like it should be.

here's the thing.

in reality, there is no objective importance to sex.

it's not like food or water where you'll die without it.

because everyone is different, you get to decide what role sex will play in your life and relationships.

and remember, whether you view sex as essential or no big deal at all, your feelings are valid.

if you do think sex has some importance, why?

most likely it's not just the physical sensations you're after.

for most people, the number one reason to have sex is experiencing closeness with a partner.

the other top reasons include sharing pleasure with someone else, being desired and the freedom to escape and lose yourself in ecstasy.

by asking yourself this question, you're developing an understanding of what makes sex worthwhile to you.

and by understanding your why, you can more easily access the how, as in how to create a context that leads easily to sex.

we can think of this mechanism as consisting of an accelerator and brakes.

some factors, feelings and situations hit our accelerators.

they turn us on and fill us with desire.

others slow us down and prevent us from accessing our libido.

everyone's different.

for one person, the potential for getting caught could hit their accelerator while slamming on another person's brakes.

when you remember a time when accessing pleasure was easy, what was going on in your life or how are you feeling about the state of the world?

exploring this question could tell you a lot about the kinds of things that hit your accelerator.

by identifying your personal accelerators and brakes, you open up a conversation with yourself and ideally with your partner about how to craft moments of intimacy.

let pleasure be the measure#

let pleasure be the measure.

raise your hand if you believe some version of a narrative that says that maintaining intense sexual desire for your partner is the key to a healthy long-term relationship.

though this sort of belief is common, it results from a misconception we'll call the desire imperative.

the desire imperative suggests that a healthy life equals a constant, spontaneous, almost obsessive craving for our partner.

but here's the truth.

if you're not always lighting up with desire or if you find yourself needing to schedule intimacy, you're not failing.

that's because desire isn't actually the most important thing in the long term.

it's actually pleasure, aka enjoying the sex you're having.

for couples struggling with low desire, the underlying issue is often just that the sex they're having isn't pleasurable.

does sex feel like a chore, an obligation, or a duty?

if so, of course you aren't going to want it.

so let's get rid of the idea that desire for sex means your intimacy is healthy.

instead, allow pleasure to become the measure of sexual satisfaction.

remember that pleasure is the measure, and pleasure is simply sensation within the right context, the setting, your mood, and so on.

what feels pleasurable can change depending on the context.

on a good day, you might enjoy being tickled, but on a bad day, it might make you angry.

engage with your partner to discuss contexts that foster pleasure for both of you.

if you find it difficult to access genuine pleasure, you may be under the sway of one or more of the other imperatives that distort the meaning of healthy sexuality.

one, for instance, is the coital imperative, the idea that penis and vagina sex is the quintessential sexual act.

this imperative is rooted in heteronormative assumptions and sidelines other forms of sexual expression as secondary or even inadequate.

another highly damaging illusion is the gender mirage.

this is the illusion of binary gender roles that constrains the expression of sexuality.

to combat these imperatives, we invite you to introduce the concept of blanket permission to yourself.

blanket permission is an invitation to explore your sexuality in whatever way resonates with you, whether that involves traditional practices or more unconventional ones.

it also gives you the right to choose not to engage in any sexual activity or to modify it.

best of all, it centers pleasure, not conformity to external standards, as the measure of sexual satisfaction.

ultimately, normal sexuality can be defined by two simple things.

number one, mutual consent, and number two, the absence of unwanted physical and emotional pain.

that's it.

as long as the sex you're having is mutually consensual and any associated physical or emotional pain is something you enjoy, then it's normal and you can stop shying away from it.

exploring your emotional floor plan#

exploring your emotional floor plan.

when you're struggling with a loss of intimacy, it can be easy to blame yourself or think there's something wrong with you for being disinterested in sex.

in reality, you may not be disinterested in sex at all.

instead, you may just be stuck in non-erotic spaces in your emotional floor plan.

an emotional floor plan is a way of visualizing your inner world.

think of it as being made up of seven different main rooms.

four of these rooms are pleasure-favorable.

lust, play, seeking, and care.

these are joyful states conducive to accessing pleasure.

then there are three pleasure-averse rooms.

panic and grief, fear, and rage.

in these rooms, pleasure is harder to reach.

your lust room is where you experience erotic connection.

it's usually near the spaces of play, care, and seeking.

play is where you laugh, joke around, and play games.

perhaps your play space has a bathtub where you splash around with your partner or a huge table for doing jigsaw puzzles.

the seeking space is where exploration, learning, curiosity, and adventure happen.

you might be in seeking when you nerd out over a book or travel to a foreign country.

finally, care is a place filled with the glow of love and attachment.

seeing your partner doing the dishes without being asked in your kitchen of care might move you toward lust.

but simultaneously, the care space might also be where you change your kid's diapers, which will probably move you away from lust.

that makes care slightly complicated.

on the flip side, the spaces of panic or grief, fear, and rage are often far away from lust in the floor plan.

it's hard to reach lust when you're filled with the pain of lost connection, fear of abandonment, anxiety, or frustration.

the exact layout of each person's emotional floor plan is unique, and it doesn't have to be realistic in any way.

there can be secret trap doors and portals to other rooms.

try mapping yours out, asking yourself questions like, what brings you joy and ushers you into the room of play?

how close is it to your room of lust?

what might push you into the space of fear, and what can pull you out?

this reflection will help you identify the doors and pathways between rooms, making it easier to navigate your emotional landscape.

embracing change#

embracing change.

in long-term relationships, our bodies inevitably change as we age, become ill, go through menopause, experience trauma, or develop a disability.

rather than seeing these changes as barriers to intimacy, we can approach them with warm curiosity, co-creating contexts that support physical and emotional pleasure.

this attitude of warm curiosity is key.

it encourages openness to and discovery of new dimensions of pleasure.

it encourages us to ask questions like, how can this change in our lives introduce us to new forms of intimacy?

aging bodies, for example, may not have the same stamina or flexibility as they did in youth, but this can encourage couples to slow down, experiment with new positions, or find pleasure in other forms of touch and closeness.

like aging, trauma can create change in our intimate lives.

trauma can stem from past abuse, neglect, or any other deeply hurtful experiences.

facing these dark places with a spirit of curiosity and compassion can open doors to healing.

first, recognize that responses to trauma, like withdrawal, anger, or fear, are not signs of brokenness.

they simply mean you survived a difficult experience.

one of the key steps in dealing with trauma in the context of a sexual relationship is creating a space where both partners feel safe to share and listen.

this involves acknowledging each other's pain without judgment and supporting each other through the healing process.

therapy, self-compassion practices, and building a supportive community can all help too.

if a wound is caused by your partner, even if unintentionally, it can be long-lasting.

in this case, what the author calls the third thing conversation can be a powerful tool.

this type of conversation involves treating a wound as a shared project, external to both partners and to the relationship itself.

this externalization creates the necessary space to explore feelings.

to do it, both partners should share the difficult feelings they're experiencing without judging each other.

then, they should turn toward the feelings with calm, warm curiosity.

one or both partners might acknowledge the feelings or offer a pathway out of the negative headspace.

then the conversation can be closed by one or both partners expressing admiration or confidence in their bond.

this approach keeps the problem outside the individuals and relationship, helping to avoid blame.

erotic magic have you ever experienced a moment of such profound connection that you felt transported to another realm of being?

erotic magic#

where the boundaries of your individual self seem to dissolve into oneness with another soul or the universe itself?

even if you haven't, rest assured, this state is possible for all.

accessing this state is what the author calls the magic trick.

it's a form of mindfulness that's about embracing our erotic wisdom and celebrating our capacity for embodiment.

the magic trick isn't just about sex either.

we can tap into erotic wisdom during any sensory experience, from drinking cold water on a hot day to hearing the resonance of voices joined in song.

the journey begins with savoring, the art of using all of your senses to deeply appreciate life's pleasures.

on a practical level, this might look like sharing out loud with others when you feel joy, or it could mean deliberately taking time to focus your attention on every single bite of a delicious meal.

savoring these sensory experiences is worthwhile because it deepens our connections with our partners, with our bodies, and with the universe itself.

this path, of course, is not mandatory, but it can profoundly shift how you experience life.

the magic trick is something you can work on alone, but also with others.

in this, the key technique is to move your body rhythmically with others for a shared purpose, and all of it by choice.

by moving your body, you're establishing and facilitating contact with your erotic wisdom.

by doing it rhythmically, you're shifting your biology to synchronize with others, encouraging an expanded sense of self.

the magic trick happens in this context of expanding and play.

and remember, the magic trick does not have to be a sexual experience.

it can happen while singing in a group of people, swing dancing with a partner, or praying at a religious service.

the exploration of erotic wisdom and the practice of the magic trick are invitations to embrace the fullness of our sensual being.

it's a journey of awakening to the beauty of our aliveness.

learning from each other#

learning from each other.

what does it take to rekindle desire and passion in a long-term relationship?

we've been discussing this topic for a while, but now we're going to explore the question through the journeys of two different couples.

first up is mike and kendra.

this couple began experiencing a loss of intimacy during kendra's first pregnancy, as kendra's spontaneous desire disappeared.

mike wanted kendra to want sex more often.

meanwhile, kendra hated feeling like her lack of desire was a problem that needed to be fixed, especially since she still enjoyed the sex they did have.

mike, unfortunately, was caught up in the desire imperative.

that's why the turning point for this couple came when they learned that prioritizing pleasure over desire can be the key to rejuvenating their sexual relationship.

through coaching and guidance from the author, mike let go of his entitlement to kendra's desire and the idea that kendra was a problem that needed to be solved.

instead, together, they agreed to focus on co-creating pleasure.

this new approach allowed them to embrace their sexual relationship in its current form, free from the burden of expectations.

now let's meet amma and dee, a mixed-race lesbian couple.

they were struggling with the pressures of juggling work as well as parenting three kids, which contributed to a loss of intimacy.

amma, the lower desire partner, gained insight by drawing up her emotional floor plan.

she realized that, for her, play was the easiest route into lust.

so while in the shower with dee one day, she told dee, i need joking around.

this language gave dee the opportunity to meet amma's needs, importantly, without telling dee she needed to be or think a certain way.

another of this couple's approaches involved making use of the magic trick.

one day, dee proposed that she go down on amma for a while.

during the session, she focused on very slowly exploring amma's entire body, rather than rushing to sexual gratification, and also took breaks for conversation.

by slowing down and savoring, dee allowed amma's arousal and desire to rise and fall naturally, transforming their intimacy into something truly extraordinary.

though differing in details, both tales reveal the power of communication.

these couples show us how vulnerability and insight can transform relationships.

in this chapter-2, come together, by emily nagoski, you've learned that sexual well-being comes from prioritizing pleasure over desire and embracing compassionate communication.

final summary#

Conclusion

it also stems from rejecting harmful societal myths, such as the desire imperative and gender mirage, and instead approaching your unique sexuality with warm, compassionate curiosity.

ultimately, vulnerability, curiosity, and the deliberate creation of pleasure-focused contacts can significantly enhance intimacy and connection, making room for more authentic and satisfying partnerships.

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see you in the next video!

thanks for listening, and until the next chapter, bye.

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