The Practicing Happiness Workbook

why is it so hard to be happy? life is full of moments we long to savor, yet our minds often pull us away – dwelling on past mistakes, worrying about future problems, or criticizing ourselves for not being enough. these habits often feel unavoidable, trapping us in cycles of stress and discontent, clouding our judgment, and undermining our goals. so, how do we break free?

in this chapter, we’ll explore how to sidestep these snares. the answer, in short, is mindfulness. through accessible exercises and clear guidance, you’ll learn how to notice your thoughts and feelings without being ruled by them. instead of reacting impulsively or harshly judging yourself, you’ll discover how to cultivate curiosity and kindness toward your inner experiences. over time, this approach will help you make deliberate choices that align with your values and foster a deeper sense of fulfillment. 

if you’ve ever felt stuck in your own mind, this chapter is your invitation to embrace a new way forward.

mindfulness is a term that’s often tossed about in the wellness industry. but what is it, exactly? the short definition goes like this: mindfulness is about changing how you relate to your thoughts and emotions, especially the difficult ones. to understand that better, let’s use a metaphor called passengers on the bus.

imagine you’re the driver of a bus, heading toward a meaningful goal – maybe building better relationships, achieving personal growth, or finding peace. but you’re not alone on this bus. there are passengers on board, and they’re not exactly supportive. these passengers represent your thoughts and feelings, and they yell discouraging things like, “you’re going to fail,” or “this isn’t worth it.” they’re persistent, loud, and make you doubt your ability to reach your destination.

you might feel tempted to stop the bus and deal with them. maybe you argue, telling them to quiet down, or even try to force them off the bus. but no matter what you do, they won’t leave. the truth is, these passengers aren’t going anywhere. and this is where mindfulness offers a different perspective.

mindfulness teaches you to let these passengers ride along without allowing them to take control. instead of battling them or letting them dictate your direction, you stay focused on driving toward your chosen destination. their voices are still there, but you stop giving them the power to influence your actions. over time, as you practice this approach, their voices become less distracting. they don’t go away completely, but they fade into the background, allowing you to concentrate on the road ahead.

importantly, mindfulness doesn’t mean ignoring your thoughts and emotions. it’s about acknowledging them without judgment. you recognize that they’re just passengers – thoughts and feelings, not absolute truths. you accept their presence, but you no longer allow them to control your decisions. this shift gives you the freedom to act in ways that align with your values, even when those internal voices try to pull you off course.

ultimately, mindfulness is about staying in the driver’s seat. the passengers may still chatter, but they lose their grip on your attention and energy. this practice allows you to live intentionally, moving forward with clarity and purpose. no matter the journey, mindfulness empowers you to navigate life with resilience and focus, even when challenges arise. 

okay, now that we have a clear definition, let’s look at some exercises to help you start using this powerful tool. 

rumination isn’t just overthinking – it’s a mental trap that pulls you into cycles of negativity. it’s when your mind replays mistakes from the past, stresses over current problems, or imagines worst-case scenarios about the future. instead of solving anything, it leaves you feeling stuck, overwhelmed, and worse than before.

rumination can show up in different ways. you might stew over why you feel so down, obsess over vague questions like, “what’s wrong with me?” or build a mental case against someone who hurt you. the result? negative emotions get amplified. sadness deepens into despair. anger turns into rage. it’s not just emotional, either; rumination can mess with your focus, drain your motivation, and even stress out your body, raising your heart rate and muscle tension. over time, it can lead to depression, anxiety, or unhealthy coping habits like binge eating or drinking.

so, why do we do it? one reason is that rumination feels like it’s helping. you think you’re analyzing the problem or gaining insight, but in reality, you’re just going in circles. another reason is that it provides temporary relief. for example, focusing on anger when someone hurts you might feel empowering – it keeps you from connecting with the deeper pain of rejection. but here’s the catch: rumination never fixes anything. it just keeps you trapped.

what’s the alternative? constructive problem-solving is one answer. if there’s a clear issue, focus on identifying it, brainstorming solutions, and trying something new. but what if there’s no obvious problem to fix? that’s where mindfulness comes in.

the first step is recognizing rumination for what it is. label it: “this is rumination.” simply calling it out helps you see it more clearly. next, redirect your focus to the present moment. tune into whatever you’re doing. washing the dishes? notice the warmth of the water, the sound of the suds. walking the dog? feel the ground under your feet, hear the sounds around you.

if you’re stuck in an unproductive activity, switch to something more engaging. maybe read a book, call a friend, or tackle a small task. whatever it is, bring your attention to it fully. and when those ruminative thoughts pop up again, don’t fight them. just acknowledge them like passing clouds and return to what you’re doing.

this approach doesn’t silence rumination overnight, but it shifts your focus. it helps you step out of the mental loop and move forward with clarity and calm. with practice, you can break free from the rumination trap and regain control of your emotional energy.

emotions come with urges – impulses to act in specific ways. when you’re angry, you might feel the urge to shout or slam a door. when you’re anxious, you might want to avoid a situation altogether. even positive emotions have urges, like clapping when you’re happy or hugging someone you love. these action tendencies are natural and evolved to help us survive. in some situations, they’re incredibly useful. a surge of fear that makes you run away can protect you from danger. but in modern life, these impulses often cause problems.

for example, anxiety might trigger the same fight-or-flight response as facing a predator, even if you’re just giving a speech or asking someone on a date. similarly, anger might prepare your body for physical confrontation, which isn’t helpful during a disagreement with a coworker. when these urges take over, they can lead to emotion-driven behaviors that are unhelpful or even harmful. that’s where mindfulness comes in.

mindfulness teaches you to observe urges without being controlled by them. instead of acting on impulses automatically, you pause, notice the urge, and choose your response deliberately. practicing mindfulness of urges helps you break free from reactive behaviors and respond more thoughtfully.

to start, work with mild, everyday urges. for instance, when brushing your teeth, notice the urge to spit. observe it without acting on it immediately. pay attention to how the urge feels and decide deliberately when to spit. or the next time your nose itches, observe the sensation without immediately scratching. notice whether the urge grows stronger or fades. if you decide to scratch, do it mindfully, noticing the movement and sensation.

you can also set up situations to practice. place a piece of food you like in front of you and notice the urge to eat it. observe how the urge changes and make a mindful decision about whether or when to eat. or hold an object at arm’s length until you feel the urge to put it down. pay attention to how the sensation develops and choose deliberately when to lower the object.

these exercises teach you to separate the urge from the action. by observing without judgment, you gain a better understanding of how emotions, sensations, and thoughts interact. over time, this practice builds the space to choose your response instead of reacting impulsively. mindfulness of urges helps you navigate emotions with clarity and intention, reducing unhelpful behaviors and fostering a sense of control.

our minds often drift to autopilot, carrying us away from the present moment. think back to the last time you washed the dishes. were you focused on the sound of water splashing, the scent of soap, and the feel of the plates? or was your mind elsewhere, replaying past events or planning the future? this “autopilot mode” is common and sometimes helpful. it allows us to multitask, like holding a conversation while driving. but too often, it robs us of the chance to fully experience life’s richness.

research shows that people are happier when they focus on the present moment, regardless of what they’re doing. this focus prevents mental traps like rumination, helps us make better decisions, and enables us to appreciate life’s small yet meaningful moments. developing this awareness doesn’t mean eliminating autopilot entirely – it’s unrealistic and unnecessary. instead, mindfulness helps us choose when to engage fully and when to rely on autopilot.

a simple exercise, like eating a raisin mindfully, can cultivate this skill. start by looking at the raisin as if you’ve never seen one before. observe its shape, color, and texture. roll it between your fingers and notice how it feels. smell it, listen to the sound it makes if you squish it gently, and take your time noticing every sensation it brings.

when you place the raisin on your tongue, notice its weight and texture. slowly chew, paying attention to how it feels and tastes as it changes in your mouth. notice the urge to swallow, then observe the sensations as you do so. if your mind wanders to thoughts, memories, or feelings, gently guide your attention back to the raisin. repeat this process with another raisin, allowing yourself once again to linger on the experience.

this exercise illustrates the power of paying attention to the present moment. routine activities, when done mindfully, reveal details we usually miss. pleasant experiences become more vivid and enjoyable. even unpleasant moments, like eating something you don’t like, become easier to tolerate when approached with curiosity and non-judgment. mindfulness allows us to face discomfort with greater calm and make intentional choices about how to respond.

practicing mindfulness transforms ordinary moments into opportunities for connection and insight. whether you’re eating, walking, or washing dishes, this awareness helps you fully engage with your life. over time, you’ll notice more beauty, richness, and meaning in the everyday. mindfulness isn’t about doing more – it’s about being present for what’s already here.

few urges are more powerful than the desire experienced by smokers to light up a cigarette. no wonder, then, that most would-be quitters try to repress this overwhelming urge. and yet that, new research into mindfulness suggests, is exactly the wrong approach. 

in a study with smokers, participants were divided into two groups: one practiced mindful acceptance of their urges, and the other used their usual strategies like ignoring or distracting themselves. by the end of the week, those practicing acceptance smoked fewer cigarettes. they had learned to observe their cravings without giving in. let’s break that down. 

acceptance means observing unpleasant feelings without judgment or resistance. this may feel counterintuitive. society often encourages us to eliminate negative emotions as quickly as possible. but attempting to suppress or escape feelings often intensifies them. acceptance, on the other hand, allows these emotions to take their natural course, helping us recover more quickly and act more intentionally.

mindful acceptance offers two key advantages. first, it keeps us from falling into psychological traps like rumination, avoidance, or self-criticism. by accepting feelings without judgment, we create space for them to pass naturally. second, it strengthens our ability to perform challenging but important actions, such as resisting strong urges by intentionally pausing.

to practice mindful pausing, start by stopping what you’re doing and creating a moment of stillness. adjust your posture to reflect openness – straighten your spine and relax your shoulders. observe what’s happening in your body and mind. tune into sensations, emotions, and thoughts. it can help to label them gently, such as “tension in my chest” or “a feeling of frustration.” focus on your breath as it moves in and out. if your mind wanders, gently bring your attention back to your breathing.

as you settle into the moment, expand your awareness to include your body as a whole. notice your sensations and emotions without trying to change them. allow uncomfortable feelings to be there, perhaps saying to yourself, “it’s okay to feel this. let me notice it.” when you’re ready, respond mindfully to the situation. sometimes, this means letting feelings or situations run their natural course. other times, it may involve taking deliberate action that aligns with your goals.

mindful pausing creates space between impulse and action, breaking the cycle of automatic reactions. this practice fosters clarity and intentionality, allowing you to respond in ways that align with your long-term ambitions and values. over time, it strengthens self-control and emotional resilience, helping you live with greater awareness and purpose.

in this chapter to the practicing happiness handbook by ruth baer, you’ve learned that mindfulness can help you navigate life with greater awareness and resilience by focusing on the present moment and accepting emotions without judgment. observing thoughts and feelings as they arise, without suppressing or reacting impulsively, reduces stress and fosters intentional responses. mindful exercises, like pausing to observe cravings or engaging in activities with full attention, cultivate clarity and self-control. over time, mindfulness enhances emotional well-being, sharpens focus, and creates space for meaningful choices.

okay, that’s it for this chapter. we hope you enjoyed it. if you can, please take the time to leave us a rating – we always appreciate your feedback. see you in the next chapter.