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Sex & Relationships20 min read
The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD
by Melissa Orlov & Nancie Kohlenberger
Improve Trust, Intimacy, and Reliability
Published: October 20, 2023
4.1 (74 ratings)
Table of Contents
1
what’s in it for me? navigate and thrive in an adhd relationship.2
adhd is a challenge in relationships, but it can be managed3
clear communication is a vital foundation for thriving relationships even if it doesn’t solve everything4
anger clouds our perceptions – and makes progress harder5
boundaries relieve non-adhd partners and foster self-responsibility in partners with adhd6
seeking out new challenges helps couples reconnect7
final summaryBook Summary
This is a comprehensive summary of “The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD” by Melissa Orlov & Nancie Kohlenberger. The book explores improve trust, intimacy, and reliability.
what’s in it for me? navigate and thrive in an adhd relationship.#
Introduction
melissa orlov & nancie kohlenberger the couple's guide to thriving with adhd
relationships are intricate mosaics of understanding, patience, and communication.
introduce attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or adhd, into the equation, and the complexity can amplify.
you can likely relate the feeling of talking with a partner only to realize your thoughts are elsewhere, or the unpredictability that stems from impulsivity leading to decisions that are both refreshing and occasionally daunting.
this chapter to the couple's guide to thriving with adhd seeks to unravel these complexities, shedding light on the unique challenges and strengths that adhd brings to partnerships.
we'll move beyond the challenges, highlighting the creativity, energy, and spontaneity that adhd introduces.
we'll also explore the nuances of adhd in the context of a relationship, offering a blueprint for harmony, growth, and mutual respect.
armed with knowledge, strategies, and a deeper understanding, as a couple, you'll be able to navigate your shared journey with confidence and resilience.
so let's get started!
adhd is a challenge in relationships, but it can be managed#
adhd is a challenge in relationships, but it can be managed.
navigating a relationship when one partner has adhd is like trying to solve a complex puzzle.
adhd brings a unique set of challenges that can sometimes make relationships feel like they're on shaky ground.
adhd isn't just about getting easily distracted or being forgetful.
it's a whirlwind of traits, ranging from impulsivity to inattention.
imagine being deeply engrossed in a conversation, and your partner seems lost, their thoughts wandering elsewhere.
this can lead to feelings of being overlooked or undervalued, creating tension and misunderstandings.
impulsivity is about those spontaneous, out-of-the-blue decisions that sometimes backfire.
while spontaneity can be refreshing and enliven a relationship, the unpredictability can also be overwhelming, especially when there are unexpected consequences.
this is another piece of the puzzle.
everyone forgets things once in a while, but with adhd, it's more frequent.
missed anniversaries, broken promises, or just the occasional lapse can make non-adhd partners feel frustrated with their significant other's unreliability.
organizing daily routines, keeping up with time, or just being punctual can also be challenging.
it's like the hands of the clock move a bit faster for those with adhd, and often, their partners have the sense that they have to make up for time lost.
that can be exhausting.
emotionally, it's a rollercoaster ride.
mood swings can make the relationship feel like a delicate dance, where you're constantly trying not to step on the other's toes.
then there's hyper-focus, a person's tendency to become so immersed in a task that the world around them fades away.
while often personally fulfilling, it can make non-adhd partners feel left in the shadows, eclipsed by whatever has caught their loved one's attention.
communication is the glue that holds relationships together, but adhd can make it sticky.
whether it's interrupting conversations, struggling to express thoughts clearly, or just not being an attentive listener, it paves the way for more misunderstandings.
yet, amidst these challenges, it's important to remember that adhd also brings a vibrant palette of strengths, like creativity, boundless energy, and spontaneity.
harnessing these can add color and zest to relationships.
working together is key.
understanding, patience, and crafting strategies to manage adhd symptoms can create a harmonious bond.
that, in a nutshell, is what we'll be looking at in this chapter.
clear communication is a vital foundation for thriving relationships even if it doesn’t solve everything#
clear communication is a vital foundation for thriving relationships, even if it doesn't solve everything.
navigating a relationship when adhd is involved is like trying to tune a radio to find the clearest frequency.
sometimes, the sound is clear.
other times, it's pure static.
if you're experiencing more challenging conversations than comforting ones, or feeling like your partner isn't truly hearing you, know that you're not alone.
many couples face these communication hotspots, especially when adhd is in the mix.
the lens through which someone with adhd sees the world is different.
that's hardly surprising.
the adhd brain struggles to apply filters.
every piece of information, every sound, and every thought enters with equal priority.
it's like trying to catch every raindrop in a storm, overwhelming and disorienting.
but this chaos can also be a breeding ground for creativity.
on the other hand, those without adhd might have brains that work like sieves, filtering out much more than they even realize, organizing and prioritizing.
it's no surprise, then, that people with adhd aren't always on the same page as their non-adhd partners.
an event that seemed straightforward to you might be recalled differently by your partner with adhd.
this can lead to conflict.
the symptoms of your adhd partner, especially if they're undiagnosed, can make their view on things seem mystifyingly far removed from yours.
it's the same with perception of time.
while someone with adhd often lives vividly in the present, responding to the immediate environment, those without adhd might spend their time contemplating what's next, making plans, or reminiscing.
there are two strategies non-adhd partners can adopt to take the sting out of these conflict points.
the first is reminding yourself that neither you nor your partner's perspective is superior.
it's simply a misconception to believe your memory works like a flawless camera, capturing the truth.
in reality, memories are tinted by perceptions, interpretations, and your brain's quirks, so it's wise to approach recollections with humility.
by recognizing and respecting the ways different minds experience and process the world, couples can move toward richer, more empathetic communication.
while it may require patience and practice, the rewards – feeling understood, loved, and appreciated – make the journey worth it.
of course, communication isn't a miracle cure.
in fact, if you expect it to solve everything, you're more likely to give up on it when it doesn't.
the thing is, clear communication doesn't always equate to agreement.
you could articulate your feelings perfectly, and your partner might still disagree.
the idea isn't about winning or convincing, but about understanding.
it's about learning to convey thoughts and feelings lovingly and effectively, especially when adhd is part of the equation.
anger clouds our perceptions – and makes progress harder#
anger clouds our perceptions and makes progress harder.
interpretation plays a fundamental role in shaping your view of the world.
your experiences, upbringing, and inherent traits like optimism or pessimism are lenses through which you perceive life.
in relationships, especially those affected by adhd, negativity often clouds these lenses.
call it the anger filter, a screen coloring every interaction with shades of frustration, disappointment, and hopelessness.
when one partner starts viewing the relationship through this filter, it's easy for the other to follow suit.
why remain optimistic if your partner constantly seems weighed down by issues and never sees positive change on the horizon?
both partners' internal narratives are influenced by this filter.
for the non-adhd partner, the story might go like this.
the challenges never end, every day's a struggle with their inability to focus or finish tasks.
for the adhd partner, it might run like this.
no one understands me, if only they'd see the efforts i'm making and support me instead of always pointing fingers.
these narratives are dangerous because they're self-fulfilling.
the more you believe in them, the more real they become, even if they were originally distortions of reality.
interactions get tainted, innocent exchanges get misconstrued.
take, for example, a non-adhd partner trying to understand something by asking questions.
the partner with adhd might see this as an attack on their capability rather than genuine curiosity or a quest for clarity.
tragically, such narratives often stem from prolonged periods where adhd was undiagnosed or misunderstood.
one of the most damaging beliefs that can take root is the feeling that things will never change.
but for most couples navigating the challenges of adhd, this narrative isn't accurate.
adhd can be managed and both partners can alter their behaviors.
yet this narrative of hopelessness is stubborn.
even when improvements are visible, minor setbacks can evoke thoughts of reverting to the bad old days.
this very fear can fuel reactions of defensiveness, anger, and anxiety, making it harder to progress.
it's essential, then, for both partners to recognize that managing adhd in a relationship is a journey and that it's okay to stumble along the way.
past failures might have occurred because the dynamics of adhd weren't fully understood and the right tools weren't at hand.
but now, with more knowledge and resources available, there's hope.
change is possible.
don't let the shadow of negativity define the relationship.
embrace positivity and perseverance.
others have traversed this path successfully.
with effort and understanding, so can you.
boundaries relieve non-adhd partners and foster self-responsibility in partners with adhd#
boundaries relieve non-adhd partners and foster self-responsibility in partners with adhd.
personal boundaries are vital for harmonious relationships, and that's especially true when adhd is involved.
these boundaries represent a commitment to prioritize oneself, a declaration that certain tasks and responsibilities shouldn't solely rest on one person's shoulders.
in the context of adhd, it's important that non-adhd partners tell their significant others that they won't shoulder all their tasks.
initially, this might result in the adhd partner being more distracted and not completing their tasks.
but this short-term challenge is better than the lasting impact of never drawing the line.
if the non-adhd partner continuously assumes more responsibilities, it eases the pressure on the adhd partner to address their issues, leading to prolonged challenges and mounting resentment due to the imbalance.
many non-adhd partners worry that their partners won't be able to manage their condition without constant intervention.
out of this concern, the non-adhd partner might often step in with reminders, guidance, or even consequences, inadvertently assuming a managerial or authoritative role in the relationship.
but it's not the case that the adhd partner is inherently unreliable.
the real issue lies in maintaining consistency.
for them, achieving consistency often requires effective treatments and support structures.
it's crucial for non-adhd partners to resist the urge to micromanage or overly assist their significant other.
after all, the symptoms aren't happening in their body even if they feel the impact.
at the same time, adhd partners need to actively engage in managing their symptoms.
if either party doesn't commit, the relationship's health is jeopardized.
in terms of relationship dynamics, the act of setting boundaries can be thought of as a form of detachment.
it's about understanding that you can't solve others' problems and that constant worrying is futile.
it's a way of giving individuals the autonomy to be themselves, of granting them the freedom to be responsible and grow.
it's an acceptance of their journey and a trust in their ability to evolve.
setting boundaries isn't about creating barriers, but rather about fostering understanding and allowing both partners to flourish, independently and together.
seeking out new challenges helps couples reconnect#
seeking out new challenges helps couples reconnect.
in today's fast-paced world, many couples feel disconnected from each other.
this sense of detachment is intensified by long working hours, the distraction of electronic devices, and the hectic schedules of children.
adding adhd to the mix can further complicate matters.
but it's essential to understand that adhd isn't the sole reason for this disconnect.
a thriving relationship requires intentional efforts from both partners to strengthen the bond.
research shows that engaging in new and challenging activities can reignite the spark in relationships.
according to arthur aron, a professor of psychology at stony brook university, such experiences rekindle the exhilarations couples felt during the initial stages of falling in love.
the theory behind this is self-expansion, where individuals seek relationships to expand their horizons.
self-expansion explains why opposites often attract.
logical, organized individuals, for example, find something new and exciting in spontaneous and energetic people.
as long as the condition's symptoms don't overshadow it, the contrast in personalities in a relationship in which adhd is involved can actually be an asset.
so what do we mean by new and challenging activities?
well, the list is endless.
engaging in thrilling activities such as whitewater rafting, tango dancing, mountain climbing, or even attending a convention on an unfamiliar topic can all be beneficial.
the key is to select activities that push both partners out of their comfort zones.
a second concept that helps illuminate why such activities are helpful is flow, coined by the hungarian-american psychologist mihaly csikszentmihalyi.
flow refers to a state of complete immersion in an activity where time seems to stand still and you feel part of something more significant.
achieving flow requires tasks that challenge an individual while matching their skill set.
dancing, playing tennis, making music, or practicing yoga can induce this state.
when both partners simultaneously experience this state, it enhances their well-being and strengthens their bond.
all of this depends, of course, on a couple prioritizing time together.
but one of the common obstacles to this is an underlying fear of reconnection.
some may worry that getting closer might indicate that everything is all right, potentially leading to complacency in addressing adhd or other issues.
it's essential to recognize these fears as they can hinder progress and keep couples from seizing opportunities to connect.
to overcome this obstacle, it's imperative to shift your mindset from fear of hurt to a mindset of forward movement.
remind yourself that connection starts by reaching out to your partner.
if you want to create more opportunities for intimacy, you can't risk not trying to connect.
final summary#
Conclusion
the main takeaway of this chapter to the couple's guide to thriving with adhd by melissa orlove and nancy kohlenberger is that relationships with one adhd partner can be complex due to distractibility, impulsivity, and differing perceptions.
effective communication is crucial, but not a panacea.
it's important to avoid a persistently negative perspective and for non-adhd partners to set clear boundaries without overburdening themselves.
despite modern life's challenges, couples can strengthen their bond by engaging in shared, novel experiences, prioritizing connection over apprehension.
thanks so much for listening.
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see you in the next chapter!
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