with so many marriages ending in divorce, and with so many celebrity breakups plastered across the news every day, it can be hard to imagine what a healthy, enduring relationship actually looks like.

pastor michael todd has seen every relationship problem on the planet, from singletons unable to find the one, to veteran spouses struggling to keep their marriages alive.

and many of these scenarios have one thing in common, a lack of direction.

whether we're single, dating, married, or somewhere in between, we all need relationship goals if we want to create and maintain lasting bonds.

these chapters will demonstrate how you can do just that using teachings from the bible.

above all, relationship goals have to be realistic.#

chapter 1 of 8.

if you're active on social media, you're probably inundated with pictures of perfect-looking couples.

we've all seen them, images of happy pairs posing in clubs, kissing on the beach, or cuddling up in bed next to a caption reading, hashtag relationship goals.

these images represent modern relationship ideals.

but here's the problem.

these images are only snapshots of relationships.

they emphasize all the good things and exclude all the bad.

they don't represent reality.

therefore, they're not realistic relationship goals.

the issue isn't just social media.

magazines, newspapers, and tv shows sell us an illusion of perfect relationships that we all buy into.

as a result, we have unrealistic expectations about what kind of partners we should be looking for.

the key message here is, above all, relationship goals have to be realistic.

often, our ideas about what makes a perfect partner are based on superficial things, like looks, career, or a person's financial situation.

they reflect what we want and desire from a partner, rather than what we actually need.

this was the case for sarah, a member of the congregation at transformation church in tulsa, oklahoma, where the author is a pastor.

long past the age by which she'd thought she'd be married, sarah was still single.

this concerned her, and she'd often chat with the author about her relationship problems.

on one occasion, the author asked sarah whether she had a clear idea about what kind of man she wanted to meet.

she replied with a long, long list of requirements.

sarah saw herself marrying a successful business owner, one who was also a preacher, and funny, and athletic.

on top of that, he had to come from a two-parent home, a requirement that eliminates about a third of the population.

as the requirements piled up, the author struggled to keep a straight face.

then, he was honest with sarah.

her relationship goals, he said, set the bar way too high.

in fact, they had led her to reject great potential partners for years.

the thing is, relationship goals can be great, if they help you aim for what you really want and need from a partner.

but to do that, they have to be realistic.

in the chapters that follow, we'll look at creating the right relationship goals, ones that help you fulfill your life's purpose and keep you in line with god's eternal truths.

the most effective relationship goals align with god's teachings.#

chapter 2 of 8 imagine you're an archer.

you've got your bow and arrow and a single clear goal.

hit the center of your target.

but what if, when you step up to aim, you realize that there's no bullseye in front of you?

well, technically, you can shoot wherever you want, but your arrow won't hit anything meaningful.

sounds pointless, doesn't it?

yet, many of us handle relationships in exactly this way.

without knowing what exactly we're aiming for, we take whatever comes and do whatever's comfortable.

we don't really know where we're going or why.

the key message here is, the most effective relationship goals align with god's teachings.

our aimlessness when it comes to relationships plays out in a number of different scenarios.

for example, some of us date pretty much anyone who shows interest, without ever stopping to think whether that person might be right for us.

married people can be just as aimless.

all too often, they let the passion drain from their relationship, as things like raising children and managing finances seem to become more important.

no matter what your marital status is, creating and maintaining a strong relationship comes down to having the right relationship goals.

luckily, we can turn to god to help us figure out what those are.

according to the bible, the most crucial goals for those in a godly relationship are being able to show kindness and integrity, and forgiving one another.

that isn't all though.

relationships are also about helping partners achieve their life purpose.

take the author's parents, who are both christian ministers.

it's common for couples in the ministry to be led by the man, with the woman in a support role.

not the author's parents though.

his mom took on a leadership role and sang, preached, and prayed for people all over the world while his dad worked in the background, carrying the bags and managing his wife's itinerary.

his support allowed her to achieve her god-given purpose and have a huge influence on many people's lives.

this just goes to show that the right partner can really help you move farther along the path god lays out for you.

so when it comes to setting relationship goals, think about what the bible says.

the person you're meant to be with will love and support you, help you fulfill your purpose, and ultimately bring you closer to god.

to have healthy relationships with other people, you first need one with god.#

did you know that relationships existed before there were humans?

before there was a single person on earth, a relationship already existed among god the father, god the son, and god the holy spirit.

in the bible, this relationship is called the holy trinity.

it represents the idea that god is three entities in one.

how exactly this works is far beyond human comprehension.

but all of humanity was created from this everlasting relationship.

the trinity basically clubbed together to create human beings.

therefore, it's only natural that we humans desire a relationship with god.

the key message here is, to have healthy relationships with other people, you first need one with god.

we were born from god's love, which is why our relationship with him should come first.

that gives us a strong foundation for our other relationships, including those with our brothers and sisters, our parents, and our lovers.

and if we stray too far from our relationship with god, then naturally our other relationships start to suffer.

this is what happened to the author's old friend, doug.

doug had a loving wife and children, a thriving business, and a strong connection with god.

but unfortunately, something happened that shook doug's faith.

after that, he became pessimistic, judgmental, selfish, and less devoted to things like praying, reading the bible, and helping his community.

eventually, doug stopped believing in god, and as soon as he did that, everything changed.

his business partnerships failed, his marriage ended in divorce, and his children were damaged in the process.

this proved to the author that no one is exempt from needing a relationship with god.

in fact, we should all be seeking to cultivate a closer relationship with him every day.

how?

well, it's important to have a daily devotional practice.

that means reading the bible every day in order to stay in touch with god's word.

it's also about talking to god on a daily basis, about anything and everything.

you could ask him to grant you patience when you're stuck in a traffic jam, or give you comfort when you're uncertain about your next career move.

ultimately, it doesn't matter how you connect with god.

the most important thing is to be close to him.

if you are, he'll teach you how to create, maintain, and progress in your relationships, all while keeping you encircled with love.

successful relationships start with being single.#

growing up in church, the author learned many things about how to live according to god's word.

one thing no one ever explained to him, though, were romantic relationships.

when he reflects on his childhood, the only lesson he can remember being taught is, don't have sex until you're married, period.

unfortunately, relationships are one of those real-life issues that the church hasn't been great about addressing.

as a result, many people instead turn to movies, tv shows, or celebrities for insight into the topic.

this leads them to believe that there's a simple formula for relationships and the way they progress.

you fall in love, you get married, and then you have a baby.

but how do you get to those big relationship milestones?

well, god has a roadmap for that, and it all starts with you and you alone.

the key message here is, successful relationships start with being single.

according to the author, god has given us a way of progressing in relationships that involves six key steps.

they are singleness, dating, engagement, marriage, love, and children.

let's take a look at just one of those steps, singleness.

being single is arguably the most important time of our lives.

it's when god reveals to us who we are and what our purpose in life is.

the single phase also gives us time to figure things out and develop as people before we commit to someone else.

that prepares us to be good partners in the future.

of course, being single is no picnic.

long periods without a partner can leave you feeling lonely and unwanted.

but there are ways to get past these feelings.

one is to remind yourself that singleness is the time for i.

what does that mean?

well, when you're single, i is for investing in aspects of your life you'd like to develop, like putting your energy into a creative passion and transforming it into a career, for example.

it also means imagining what you could be doing in the future, as you do when you plan for a big trip to a destination you're passionate about visiting.

finally, i is for inspiring others to make a difference in the world, as you do when you offer mentorship to a young person.

all of these things give you time to understand and improve yourself while helping you achieve the purpose god has given you, and that helps you build a good foundation for future relationships.

to find the right person to marry, it’s important to date intentionally.#

chapter 5 of 8 when the author was 15, he met the love of his life, natalie.

it was at a friend's birthday party when natalie walked into the room.

the sight of her long black hair and black dress made the author think, i've never seen anything so beautiful.

nine years later, the pair were happily married.

their relationship hasn't always been smooth sailing.

they've had a few bumpy patches here and there.

but ultimately, every problem they've encountered has taught them just how right they were to focus on each other from the very start.

here's the key message.

to find the right person to marry, it's important to date intentionally.

in his early adulthood, the author broke up with natalie for a short time because he wasn't ready for their relationship to get serious.

eventually, he came to his senses, and god brought the pair back together.

but in their ten months apart, a lot of suspicion and mistrust had grown.

their relationship suffered, and they had to work at it every day to get it back on track.

given all this heartache, was the breakup worth it in the first place?

during the ten months of insanity that the author and natalie had spent apart, he pursued recreational dating, that is, one-night stands and short-term relationships.

but in the end, all it did was distract him from the right person, natalie.

the problem with recreational dating is that it doesn't have a destination.

many of us pick relationships at random, then hope they'll go somewhere.

when they don't, we're shocked and disappointed.

but the bible tells us that marriage is the ultimate goal of romantic relationships.

so any partnership we enter into should lead to that goal.

that's why it's important to date in an intentional way.

how?

well, start by being selective about whom you're dating.

the person you're with should be dependable and supportive, with a strong faith in the lord.

that person should also see marriage as the main goal of your partnership.

and there's a simple rule you can follow that will save you a ton of heartache.

if a person isn't mateable, they're not dateable.

the meaning of this is simple.

if you wouldn't marry the person, then don't go out with them.

intentional dating helps you get to know a potential partner.#

chapter 6 of 8 meet taylor and brandon, a couple who met at transformation church.

when they first got together, they decided they didn't want to date the same way they used to.

why?

well, taylor and brandon had both been burned by past relationships, mostly because they'd gotten involved with the wrong people.

what they needed was a new approach, one that would help them find long-term partners without risking their hearts in the process.

the key message here is, intentional dating helps you get to know a potential partner.

when brandon and taylor wanted to start dating, they knew exactly whom to go to for advice, the author and his wife, natalie.

over the years, the pair had been relationship coaches for many people at transformation church, and over a period of 90 days, they coached brandon and taylor through an intentional dating process.

how?

well, the idea was to take the heat off a little and give the budding couple time to get to know each other as friends.

that way, they could see whether they were really attracted to each other and whether their values lined up, without committing to anything too soon.

after the 90 days were over, they could get out of the relationship easily if it hadn't worked out, or they could continue the journey.

so how does this process work?

well, the first step is discussing your relationship fears with one another.

these could include not being treated like i'm important, or having my hopes built up only to have them ruined.

doing this allows you to understand each other's expectations and figure out whether or not the other person respects yours.

the next step is agreeing on boundaries.

for example, if you don't want to have sex before marriage, then perhaps set a curfew for each date you go on.

you could also agree not to hug for longer than 30 seconds, or to set a limit on sexual activity, nothing more than french kissing, for example.

it's also important to have focused discussions about topics that interest you.

this will help you get to know each other and establish whether you have common interests.

after the 90-day period, you may want to go ahead with dating each other, or you may decide to call it quits.

if your relationship does end there, at least you'll have had some fun, gotten to know somebody new, and picked up some relationship tools along the way.

if you want to live a purpose-filled life, shed the relationships that no longer serve you.#

chapter 7 of 8 tee and valeria seemed like the perfect couple.

they both had dedicated relationships with god and were living their lives with purpose.

but eventually something changed.

their relationship turned into a wrestling match characterized by harsh words, controlling behaviors, and emotional turmoil.

it was only a matter of time before the relationship ended.

the author, who is friends with both tee and valeria, spoke to each of them separately about why they broke up.

they both said the same thing.

the relationship had taken priority over their own individual relationships with god.

that took away their most important source of meaning.

no wonder things went sour so fast.

the key message here is, if you want to live a purpose-filled life, shed the relationships that no longer serve you.

our relationship with god is more important than any other.

so when people come into our lives, we have to decide whether they are helping us strengthen our ties with god or leading us away from him.

look at it like this.

some relationships in life are more like liabilities than assets.

for those in the room who aren't accountants, assets give you something, liabilities take away.

when we enter a relationship, romantic or otherwise, we should consider whether the person we're with is adding to our lives or taking things away.

if your relationship is zapping your time and energy without enriching your life in any way, then it might be time to consider whether you still want this person around.

if you're feeling like some of your relationships might be weighing you down, then it's time to take an inventory.

write down a list of all the people in your life and ask yourself, is this person adding value to my life or taking value away?

this is exactly what the author did, and he discovered that many of his problems were caused by certain people in his life.

after that, he made the intentional decision to invest only in reciprocal relationships, ones in which both parties bring something to the table.

since then, the author's relationships have been deeper and richer than ever before.

no wonder, since the people he now chooses to support are the ones who support him back.

if you feel guilty about cutting off relationships that don't add to your life, then just consider this.

god wants us to have relationships that fulfill us, and he supports our decision to let go of the ones that don't.

keep working on your singleness to keep your marriage alive.#

did you ever play house when you were a kid?

maybe you had barbie and ken dolls, which you pretended were happily married with a big house and a pink convertible parked out front.

maybe they even had some little barbies and kens running around.

barbie and ken have a quote-unquote perfect marriage, the kind that many of us grow up wanting for ourselves.

but one thing that never makes it into playtime is just how much effort it takes to sustain a marriage.

the key message here is, keep working on your singleness to keep your marriage alive.

some people get married and have kids, and they think that's it.

in their minds, they've arrived at the finish line, where there are no more relationship goals to pursue.

that attitude might work for a while, but when the kids move out of the house, new problems can arise.

this is because many couples put their relationship aside while caring for their children.

they get busy helping with homework, packing lunches, and driving to soccer practice.

then, when the kids are grown up and move out, they lose the one thing they had in common.

if you feel like the passion has drained from your marriage, what can you do?

well, it might sound counterintuitive, but you have to go back to the beginning of the relationship process and be single again.

this doesn't mean you should get a divorce and start playing the field.

it means that you need to spend time working on yourself.

this could include self-improvement projects, like quitting smoking or learning how to speak french.

doing these things will help you be the best version of yourself and keep you on track to achieving your godly purpose.

another way to restore the vibrancy in your marriage is to go back to intentional dating.

and this doesn't just mean watching movies in bed.

if you're serious about keeping your relationship fire-burning, you have to show continuous interest in your partner and find new ways to connect.

for example, you could try discussing things that you're passionate about instead of covering the same old mundane topics, like finances and what the kids are up to.

here's the most important thing to remember.

both you and your partner need a marriage that continues to be mutually supportive, whether or not there are kids in the house.

so keep working on your singleness and date the one you love throughout your marriage.

you've just listened to our chapters to relationship goals by michael todd.

final summary#

Conclusion

the key message in these chapters is, many of us aspire to have long-lasting, healthy relationships, but don't know how to achieve them.

this is partly because we don't set clear goals for ourselves and are unaware of what we really want and need from a partner.

having relationship goals doesn't mean writing a lengthy list of criteria for a potential partner based on superficial things like looks and financial success.

it means finding someone who has a strong faith in god and who will support you in fulfilling your life's purpose.

and here's some more actionable advice.

know the power of words.

we've all had those days.

sometimes your spouse says something or does something that irritates you, and you can't help but let a little stream of negative or even cruel words come out of your mouth.

the thing is, this kind of language isn't productive at all.

it just creates bad feelings within the relationship.

so next time you feel yourself on the verge of saying something critical to your partner, stop for a second and think of something for which to praise him or her instead.

this will help you avoid an argument and remind you of the good in the person you chose to marry.

got any feedback?

we'd love to hear what you think about our content.

just drop an email to rememberatsummarybook.org with relationship goals as the subject line and share your thoughts.

Discover more book summaries in the same category or by the same author.

No Self, No Problem

Religion & Spirituality27 min read