This is a comprehensive summary of “Parenting Outside the Lines” by Meghan Leahy. The book explores forget the rules, tap into your wisdom, and connect with your child.

what’s in it for me? learn how to embrace imperfection and reconnect with your children.#

Introduction

meghan leahy.

parenting outside the lines.

forget the rules, tap into your wisdom, and connect with your child.

narrated by sakira kokayi and thomas florio.

are you a new parent looking for a guide through the wilderness of the child-rearing years?

or perhaps you're just searching for a magical cure to toddler tantrums.

if so, these chapters will disappoint you.

they're not going to give you step-by-step directions to perfect parenthood.

rather, they're going to ask you to disregard everything you've learned in your pile of parenting books.

in fact, they're going to advise you to stop trying to become the perfect parent and embrace being a flawed one instead.

tune into your natural intuitions and learn to accept yourself and your children just the way you are.

ditch the arbitrary standards and tune in to your kids.#

chapter 1 of 7 the author meghan leahy realized that she'd hit a parenting low when she became so frustrated with her two-year-old daughter that she had to lock herself in the bathroom to cool down.

the problem?

once again, her daughter was refusing to get ready for daycare.

leahy had tried all her usual tricks—bribing, cajoling, threatening, even brute force—but nothing worked.

her daughter insisted that she wanted to stay in her pajamas.

at her wits' end, she googled parenting support resources and came across the parent encouragement program, or pep.

she called the hotline and told the kind-sounding woman her problem.

but the counselor's response surprised her.

why shouldn't she go in pajamas?

she asked.

is that really so important?

the key message here is, ditch the arbitrary standards and tune in to your kids.

at first, the question confused leahy.

but when she took a step back and examined the situation, she realized that the woman was right.

the only reason she cared about what her toddler wore was her fear of other people's judgment.

but aside from keeping up appearances, there wasn't a good reason that her daughter shouldn't wear her soft and comfortable pajamas to school.

that phone call was a revelation.

leahy realized that she'd been applying arbitrary rules and standards to her children.

she'd internalized dogmatic ideas like, if you give a child an inch, she'll take a mile, and become convinced that she had to be in control at all times.

but in the process, parenting had become a power struggle, and she had no time to connect with her children because she was so busy telling them what to do.

in order to build a connection with her children, the author would have to unlearn all of those old ideas and start tuning into reality as it was, instead of as she thought it should be.

rather than pushing her agenda at all costs, she'd have to learn to read her children and the situation, and stop parenting based on hypothetical fears.

she'd also have to learn to pick her battles and distinguish which rules were important for her family.

she started allowing her daughter to go to school in her pajamas.

she was forced to swallow her pride about her daughter's appearance and learn to stop caring what other people thought.

as a result, the mornings became free of power struggles, and she'd actually started having fun.

parents often play a role in escalating conflicts#

chapter 2 of 7 picture the scene.

you're in the middle of a crowded supermarket, frantically shoveling food into your cart, when your two-year-old has a massive meltdown.

she's kicking and screaming and wailing, and all the other shoppers are staring at you in horror.

you feel your heart pounding in your chest, and you're covered in sweat.

what do you do?

when this happened to leahy, she scooped her child up into her arms and fled, abandoning her full shopping cart in the middle of the aisle.

as she caught her breath in the parking lot, she began asking herself what had gone wrong.

she realized that she'd played a big role in creating the situation.

unknowingly, she'd pushed her daughter over the edge.

the key message here is, parents often play a role in escalating conflicts.

leahy realized that if she hadn't been so hell-bent on pushing her agenda at all costs, she'd have been better able to see that her daughter was exhausted before they'd even entered the supermarket.

in expecting her daughter to go along with her plans, even though she was tired, she'd been totally unrealistic about what her child was capable of.

her daughter was only two.

she didn't have the maturity to stifle her emotions, nor the patience to suffer through an errand she hated.

so what could you do next time you're in a battle of wills with your child?

most importantly, focus on the signals your child is giving you.

tuning in will help you get off autopilot and access your intuition.

it might also help you to see that this is a terrible time to go shopping and that you should just order pizza instead.

next, give some thought to situations in your house that are routinely stressful, and ask yourself if you play a role in escalating the conflict.

for example, leahy and her children always fought in the mornings before school.

she'd realized that these mornings were partly so stressful because she was always short of time and felt so disorganized.

so she ran around, barking orders which only upset her children.

identifying this dynamic helped her implement some strategies, like preparing lunches and laying out breakfast the night before.

as she felt more in control, their mornings slowly became easier.

sibling fighting is normal, but you might be making it worse.#

chapter 3 of 7 there's nothing more discouraging for a parent than seeing her children fighting.

sibling fights can turn car trips into hellish ordeals and transform daily routines into battlefields.

but sibling fighting is also very normal.

children are unable to apply logic or reason in a difficult situation, so when they get overwhelmed or frustrated, they lash out.

that said, it may be that there are underlying patterns to the fighting that have become invisible to you.

taking a step back and having a look at the family dynamic may give you some clues about whether there's something you can do to improve the situation.

the key message here is, sibling fighting is normal, but you might be making it worse.

once again, a big part of this exploration will be about examining your role in the fighting.

that's right, you do play a role.

for one thing, your children may be fighting to get your attention.

after all, there's no better way to get your undivided attention than having a screaming match.

if you suspect that you could be a cause, start to think about how to give them positive attention so they're not reliant on troublemaking.

next, look carefully at whether you show favoritism to one of your children.

it could be that you're extra protective of a special needs child, or that you find it easier to get along with one of your children.

your other children will sense this, fueling a sense of competition with that child that can lead to fighting.

to avoid these kinds of dynamics, you need to carefully balance your tendency to favor one child.

be especially cautious about labeling one of your kids as a troublemaker.

it may well be that they're provoked by the others.

also, make sure that you avoid any form of comparison.

even something as apparently harmless as, your brother always eats his vegetables, surely you can too, can fuel a toxic sense of competition.

finally, consider whether your methods for resolving fights are helping, or whether they're just adding fuel to the fire.

if you're wading into every little spat and assigning blame and heavy punishment, you may be making the situation worse.

on the other hand, if you tiptoe around your fighting children, it may be that you're abdicating your leadership role.

sometimes, what kids need is for a parent to shout loudly and firmly, cut it out.

we can’t expect our children to validate us as parents.#

chapter four of seven.

the trouble started with a seemingly innocent salmon dinner.

leahy had become horrified at the unhealthy food her children were eating, so decided to make something healthy.

she switched out their usual chicken nuggets for salmon, rice, and vegetables.

her children hated the food and refused to eat it.

the meal was a long ordeal of whines and bribes and threats, and ended with many plates of abandoned food.

she was livid.

she'd gone to great lengths to cook for her family, and her children were behaving like ungrateful brats.

the key message here is, we can't expect our children to validate us as parents.

but once she'd cooled down, she realized that the salmon represented a much deeper dynamic in her parenting.

she had unrealistic expectations for her kids.

her children had never asked for salmon.

she'd suddenly changed their routine and deprived them of their beloved nuggets.

and she expected them to appreciate that?

you probably get upset when you feel like you're going out of your way for your kids, and they don't acknowledge it.

maybe you've been driving your kids to school when they're perfectly capable of walking.

or maybe you sacrificed and saved to take them on a fancy vacation, and they sulk the whole time.

but here's the thing.

parenting can't be transactional.

as in, you can't do things for your children in the expectation of getting something back.

you can't buy appreciation, or respect, or happiness.

your kids are your kids.

they have inner emotional worlds, and they don't owe it to you to behave like they're thrilled to be on holiday if they're not.

so how can you change this dynamic?

first, and perhaps most importantly, give yourself some love and appreciation.

parenting is a very tough gig, and you're doing your best, despite often difficult circumstances.

you deserve every validation for that.

just not from your kids.

second, look at whether you're doing things for your kids that you can't afford, financially or emotionally.

if driving them to school is adding extra stress to your day, then just arrange for them to take the bus.

if the fancy vacation is out of reach, then take them on some fun local day trips instead.

mostly your kids just want to spend time with you instead of flashy gestures.

and as you start to feel less stretched, and do what sustainably works for you, you'll also be less in need of external validation.

if you want to reduce your children’s tech addiction, start with your own.#

chapter 5 of 7 what's the last thing you did before you fell asleep last night?

and the first thing you did when you woke up this morning?

if you're like many people, the truthful answer is, you checked your phone.

today we keep hearing about how we're in a grip of a tech epidemic, which is turning our children into little vampires who stay in their rooms and only play computer games.

we hear reports about how dangerous screen time is for our children, but there's less attention to the ways that it's permeated our lives as adults.

the key message here is, if you want to reduce your children's tech addiction, start with your own.

do you check your smartphone all the time, even when you don't need to?

then you're modeling technology addiction for your children.

you're also unable to be present for your kids.

when you're scrolling through the news as you half-listen to your children's latest stories, you're giving them distracted attention.

you're pretending to listen and making the right noises, but they can see your eyes are elsewhere.

distracted attention is profoundly disconcerting for kids because they never know when you're listening.

the result?

they start acting out and whining, fighting, or doing whatever they have to do to keep your attention.

does that mean you can never check your phone?

of course not, but you should manage your time responsibly.

that can look like having designated phone times and no-go times.

it can also mean that when you're checking your phone around your kids, you say, excuse me, i need to send an urgent message, i'll be right back.

that might sound ridiculous, but it's a powerful strategy.

saying aloud what you're doing gives your kids explicit information about when they have your attention, which is very reassuring.

it also models the kind of tech etiquette that you'd love to see.

once you've examined your own tech problems, turn your focus to your kids.

they do need good guidance on how and when they can use their devices, and digital babysitters that block content are no replacement for parental controls.

create some universal rules for your household about when it's permissible to be online, and make sure that the whole family sticks to it, including you.

parents need to show compassionate and firm leadership.#

there's no easy way to say this.

sometimes, children can be awful.

they can behave like little tyrants, bullying their parents to the extent that even they feel scared of them.

sometimes, children call the shots in the house, dictating who their parents are allowed to see, what the family can eat, and what everyone watches on tv.

how does this happen?

well, kids aren't born bullies.

they learn bullying behavior when they're given too much power by their parents.

all children push back against the rules, starting at the age of around two.

this is normal, but sometimes it wears parents down so much that they end up giving in to the tantrums.

do that too often, and kids start calling the shots.

the key message here is, parents need to show compassionate and firm leadership.

suddenly, you've lost all grip on parental control and are stuck in a constant power struggle with your children.

this is as difficult for them as it is for you.

your kids don't want to be in control.

they're emotionally immature and completely unprepared for it.

what they want is your clear, kind leadership.

if you keep giving in, you're essentially abdicating your parental responsibility and giving them much more power than they can cope with.

so what's the solution?

start keeping boundaries and allow your children to get upset.

in practice, this can look like saying, no, i'm sorry, you can't have an ice cream.

instead of saying this as if it's a punishment, you can say it kindly.

communicate that you understand this is upsetting for them using emotion-centered language.

while it's never nice to see your children cry, know that it's also very healthy.

encountering situations where they don't get their way is essential for building your children's resilience.

if your children are used to ruling the roost, it's going to take a long time to change the dynamic.

remember that real change happens slowly and gradually.

instead of enforcing every boundary at once, build up over time.

you may blow up at times and slip into old patterns, but keep going.

with time, you'll see that the power balance has become more healthy and that your relationship with your children has improved exponentially.

nothing is more healing than a sincere apology.#

chapter 7 of 7 you are human.

in spite of your very best intentions, it's probable that sometimes you'll lose your cool.

maybe you're panicked by indecision and end up snapping at your children.

or you're hungry and tired and the whining pushes you over the edge.

lashing out sometimes is very normal.

you're a robot, and sometimes you go out of balance.

the difference between you and your kids is that you have the power and responsibility to repair the damage done.

the key message here is, nothing is more healing than a sincere apology.

the best way to repair any damage done by your outbursts is to say sorry.

but to be effective, it has to be a real, unconditional apology.

saying something passive-aggressive like, i'm sorry you're upset, but you were provoking me, just doesn't work.

it's not a real apology because you're shifting the blame to your kids and not showing any remorse.

a real apology never includes a but.

real apologies involve taking full responsibility for what you've done.

for example, you could say, sorry for yelling, i was out of line.

or, i apologize for breaking my promise, that was wrong.

you don't need to be wracked with guilt for doing something wrong.

you just need to face up and move on.

apologizing can make you feel vulnerable, as if you're losing control.

it can make you feel weak, like your kids won't respect you anymore.

but in fact, owning your mistakes is a sign of strength, and it'll teach your children a powerful lesson on how to do the same.

some parents subconsciously avoid apologizing because they want their children to show remorse first.

but that's pointless.

first of all, you can't force particular feelings onto your child.

second, you can't expect your toddler, or even teenager, to have more emotional maturity than you.

you're the adult in the house, after all, and you need to take the lead on how your family treats each other.

so next time you feel yourself getting out of balance, show yourself some compassion.

parenting is hard, and you're human, and that means that sometimes you lose your cool.

and then, when you've taken a beat, go and make it right.

navigating conflict in this way will only strengthen your connection with your children.

remember, there's no perfect way to parent.

your intuition can tell you everything you need to know.

and, most importantly, learn to see your children for who they really are.

final summary#

Conclusion

the key message in these chapters is that when you follow your gut as a parent, you end up making better decisions.

there is no perfect way to parent your children.

but if you keep the lines of communication open and prioritize connection over control, you'll gather vital information about what your children need.

by looking for underlying patterns when your children are acting out, you can find proactive ways to de-escalate stressful situations.

actionable advice.

get your kids on board with changes by holding family meetings.

introduce a change in your household, like healthier eating or less screen time, by having a family meeting.

if your kids feel like they've had some input in the decision, then they'll be much more likely to go along with it.

and remember, that lasting change happens gradually.

start small and build up slowly.

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