Parenting from the Inside Out

the connection we form with our children profoundly shapes their development. emotional intelligence, cognitive skills, self-esteem, and social abilities all thrive on a foundation of positive, sensitive, and reciprocal bonds. this secure attachment is a cornerstone for a child’s future happiness and success. 

so, what’s the secret to cultivating such a connection? it starts with understanding your own childhood. without reflecting on the emotional experiences and family dynamics of our past, we risk unintentionally repeating the same parenting mistakes we once endured. research reveals that the quality of our attachment with our children is deeply influenced by how well we’ve addressed our own childhood experiences. by examining these early relationships, we can better empathize with our children and nurture stronger bonds. 

this chapter will guide you through practical strategies – like fostering attunement, enhancing response flexibility, and cultivating healthy attachment – to nurture healthier, more fulfilling parent-child relationships.

parenting is often described as one of life’s greatest joys, but it can also be a deeply triggering experience for those with unresolved childhood traumas or unprocessed emotional experiences. the challenges of parenting often compel us to relive aspects of our own childhoods, bringing long-buried issues to the surface in unexpected and sometimes painful ways. these “leftover issues,” as they’re sometimes called, stem from experiences we may have adapted to but never truly addressed or integrated into our sense of self.

consider this example: your mother would leave you without saying goodbye to avoid your tears. while her intention might have been to shield you from distress, it broke your trust. now, as a parent, you may find separations emotionally charged. perhaps you feel anxious when leaving your child, and your child senses this, responding with insecurity, which further amplifies your unease. in a more extreme case, imagine growing up with a mother who was hospitalized for mental illness without warning, leaving you feeling abandoned and shuffled between caregivers. these unresolved issues may surface as you navigate the uncertainties and emotional demands of parenting your own child.

when experiences like these remain unexamined, they unconsciously influence our parenting. for instance, anxiety about leaving your child might lead to overprotective behavior, justified by rationalizations like, “it’s dangerous to leave my child,” or, “my child just doesn’t settle with other people.” such automatic responses – formed in our early lives – can become entrenched patterns that impede what psychologists call response flexibility in parenting. this means the ability to pause, reflect, and adapt your response to meet your child’s unique needs, rather than reacting from a place of unprocessed emotion.

to break these cycles, start by observing moments when your emotional reactions feel heightened. for example, if a baby’s cries stress you more than expected, ask yourself: were you ever left to cry alone as a child? use journaling to track patterns in your child’s behaviors that trigger you and reflect on any related memories that surface. explore how these past experiences shaped you, how they influence your relationship with your child now, and how you can rewrite these narratives to parent with greater empathy and connection.

parenting is as much about cultivating empathy as it is about teaching and guiding. empathy allows us to connect with our children on an emotional level, creating a nurturing relationship that supports their growth and emotional well-being. this connection isn’t automatic; it requires attentiveness and mindfulness, especially when faced with everyday moments that carry emotional weight.

consider this scenario: a young boy rushes inside, thrilled to show his mom a shiny green beetle. “look what i found!” he exclaims. but his mom, more focused on house rules, responds, “take it outside.” though her reaction seems practical, it misses the mark emotionally. the boy’s joy is dismissed and he feels unheard. a more empathetic response might be, “wow, what a beautiful beetle! look at its shiny wings! i think it’ll be happiest outside, though.” the outcome is the same, but now the boy feels his excitement is shared and valued. this is the essence of feeling felt.

feeling felt requires us to attune to our children’s primary emotions – the fundamental emotions they experience in the moment, such as joy, fear, or pride. when we align our response with these emotions, we create a shared emotional connection. this attunement is key to helping children integrate their emotional experiences, a process in which they learn to understand, manage, and grow from their emotions.

for example, when a cautious four-year-old finally crosses a playground log after weeks of hesitation, her quiet pride is her primary emotion. a well-meaning but overly exuberant response – like her father cheering loudly – can overwhelm her, making her less likely to try again. instead, calmly reflecting her feelings – like saying “wow, you were so careful and kept going, even though it was a little scary” – allows her to process and integrate the experience, reinforcing her confidence.

achieving this level of connection requires self-awareness. when parents project their unexamined emotions onto their children, it creates emotional defensiveness. for instance, a recently divorced mom angry with her own feelings of neediness might unfairly project that anger onto her three-year-old’s “needy” behavior. to avoid this kind of dynamic, reflect on your own emotional reactions, stay open to your child’s perspective, and practice empathy. this will allow you to build a more attuned and nurturing relationship, fostering collaboration and trust.

empathy is the cornerstone of connected parenting, and one of the most powerful ways to foster it is through contingent communication. grounded in research on healthy attachments, this concept refers to the dynamic give-and-take of signals between parent and child. it involves noticing, understanding, and responding to your child in a way that makes them feel seen, valued, and understood.

from infancy, contingent communication is vital. imagine a baby smiling and babbling at their parent. the parent smiles back, mimicking the sounds. even without words, this exchange reassures the infant: i see you, i hear you, and you matter to me. this is more than interaction – it’s a foundation for the child’s sense of self-worth and their ability to connect with others. through these moments, a “me” becomes part of a “we,” expanding the child’s emotional and relational world.

while it’s unrealistic for every parent-child interaction to achieve this ideal, a higher ratio of such moments strengthens connection. when misunderstandings or emotional ruptures occur, repair is not only possible but essential. for example, when a child falls off their bike, responding with “you don’t need to cry – you’re a big brave kid!” dismisses their feelings and leaves them feeling unseen. a contingent response might sound like: “that was a big surprise when you fell. are you hurt?” this approach validates the child’s experience, fostering trust and security.

contingent communication isn’t just about what you say but how you say it. coherence between words, tone, and body language is key. if a daughter asks, “are you upset?” and the mother replies with a forced smile, “not at all, darling,” the mismatch leaves the child confused rather than reassured.

to improve contingent communication, start by fully receiving your child’s message – both verbal and nonverbal. process their perspective alongside your own emotional state, and respond thoughtfully. for instance, when a child expresses frustration, mirror their feeling: “you’re angry that you can’t go to the park,” and then extend: “it’s frustrating when plans change. let’s think of something fun to do inside.”

avoid jumping to solutions or judgment. a tween struggling with friendships doesn’t need advice to be “more outgoing” – this may feel like criticism. instead, offer understanding: “that sounds hard. i’m here for you.” by attuning to your child’s emotions, you nurture their confidence and strengthen your bond.

attachment theory teaches us that a child’s emotional well-being is rooted in their experience of a “secure base” – a relationship that provides safety, understanding, and connection. when children consistently feel heard, valued, and supported, they develop secure attachments that serve as a foundation for lifelong resilience and trust in relationships.

imagine a father responding to his crying baby in different ways. if he picks up the baby, soothes them gently, and attunes to their distress, the baby learns they can trust that their needs will be met. this is the hallmark of a secure attachment. now, suppose the father ignores the cries, focusing instead on his work. over time, the baby may learn not to express their needs, resulting in an avoidant attachment. in another scenario, the father sometimes responds with care but other times with frustration or neglect. this inconsistency can create an ambivalent attachment, where the child becomes anxious, unsure if their needs will be met. finally, if the father reacts with anger or fear – perhaps due to unresolved trauma – this can lead to a disorganized attachment, leaving the child feeling confused and unsafe.

to foster secure attachments, parents must examine their own attachment histories. understanding how you were parented helps identify patterns that may influence your responses to your child. breaking cycles of insecurity starts with self-awareness and the commitment to offer your child what you may have missed.

the abcs of attachment – attunement, balance, and coherence – are essential tools for creating this secure base. attunement means being fully present with your child, noticing and responding to their emotional signals. for instance, if your toddler throws a tantrum, tuning into their frustration validates their feelings. balance involves helping your child regulate emotions while maintaining your own emotional stability. when your child is overwhelmed, offering calm guidance can help them regain control. coherence means ensuring your words, tone, and actions align, so your child receives a clear, consistent message of support.

parenting with empathy doesn’t mean perfection – it’s about being present, reflective, and intentional. by focusing on the abcs and understanding your own attachment story, you create the secure base your child needs to thrive.

parent-child relationships aren’t without their moments of conflict or disconnection, known as ruptures. these are inevitable and can occur for many reasons: a parent raises their voice in frustration, dismisses a child’s feelings, or has to enforce a boundary that the child resents. ruptures aren’t inherently harmful; what matters most is the repair that follows. repair restores trust and connection, teaching children that relationships can withstand conflict, and still be safe and loving.

consider three examples of rupture:

a parent yells at their child during a chaotic morning rush.

a toddler has a meltdown after being told they can’t have a second cookie, and the parent dismisses them with, “stop crying over nothing!”

a parent enforces a curfew on their teenager, sparking an angry outburst of “you don’t trust me!”

sometimes, rupture happens as a byproduct of setting healthy boundaries, such as saying no to unsafe behavior or holding firm to bedtime rules. these moments can still feel deeply unsettling to a child. in their mind, rupture can manifest as feelings of rejection, confusion, or unworthiness. for the parent, rupture may bring guilt, self-doubt, or a desire to avoid addressing the conflict, particularly if their own childhood lacked models of repair.

a parent’s past experiences with rupture can strongly influence their response. if they grew up in an environment where emotional rifts were ignored or mishandled, they may struggle to initiate repair. however, repairing a rupture with their child can also serve as a step toward healing their own unresolved wounds.

to repair effectively, start by grounding yourself. take a moment to breathe and reflect on your emotions and the situation. approach your child with calmness and care, initiating the repair by acknowledging what went wrong. for instance, you might say, “i shouldn’t have yelled at you earlier. that wasn’t fair to you.” this step reassures your child that you see them and are willing to take responsibility for your actions.

listen with empathy as your child expresses their feelings, even if they’re angry or upset. avoid minimizing their experience or rushing to explain yourself; instead, validate their emotions by saying, “i understand that must have hurt,” or “i see how that was frustrating for you.” this open dialogue shows them that their voice matters.

while repair involves reconnecting emotionally, it doesn’t mean compromising on boundaries. you can still enforce limits with kindness and clarity, saying, “i love you, and it’s my job to make sure you’re safe, even if you’re upset about the curfew.” repair is not about “fixing” a situation but about reaffirming the connection and security within the relationship.

this process not only strengthens your bond but also demonstrates resilience and accountability. it teaches your child that relationships can weather conflict and emerge stronger. for parents, repairing a rupture can also be profoundly healing, rewriting old patterns and paving the way for more connected, empathetic parenting.

in this chapter to parenting from the inside out by daniel j. siegel and mary hartzell, you’ve learned that the quality of the parent-child bond profoundly shapes a child’s emotional, social, and cognitive development, with secure attachment emerging from consistent, empathetic, and attuned interactions. parents must reflect on their own childhood experiences to break unhealthy cycles and foster meaningful connections through practices like emotional attunement, contingent communication, and repair after rupture.

okay, that’s it for this chapter. we hope you enjoyed it. if you can, please take the time to leave us a rating – we always appreciate your feedback. see you in the next chapter.