Liminal Thinking

let’s set the scene: dave gray, 29, is sitting in his bathrobe, coughing from a chest cold. despite being unwell, he can’t stop smoking; he’s stuck in the grip of his addiction. as he smokes, he suddenly pictures himself years down the line, struggling to breathe – coughing just like he is now, but as an old man. something shifts in him at that moment, and he impulsively decides to quit. that’s nothing new. after all, he’s tried and failed many times. but this time, to his surprise, he manages to stick with it. realizing he can beat what seems unchangeable, he starts to believe that other parts of his life can change too. that one decision leads to more – he ends his relationship, quits his job, moves, and starts a new career.

gray’s experience led him to understand that the way we see things shapes our reality. he calls this liminal thinking. the word “liminal” comes from the latin for “threshold,” and it refers to the mental edges that define our outlook on life. these boundaries, while providing structure, often limit us. but what if we could recognize and rethink them, uncovering new possibilities we couldn’t see before? 

in this chapter, you’ll learn how to break free from limiting beliefs, challenge your assumptions, and discover new opportunities for personal growth. by implementing nine practical strategies, you’ll start seeing solutions that others miss – even in situations that seem impossible to change.

have you ever wondered why people often experience the same event but come away with completely different views? it’s because beliefs, which shape how reality is understood, aren’t the same as reality itself – they’re just models of it. there are six principles that explain how beliefs are formed and why people hold onto them, even when they’re incomplete or flawed.

the first principle is that beliefs are models. the story of the blind men and the elephant offers a clear example. several blind men each touch a different part of an elephant – and then describe it in completely different ways. one feels the tail and says it’s like a rope, another touches the side and believes it’s like a wall, and so on. each man is convinced his experience reflects the truth, but none of them see the full picture. just like the blind men, people’s beliefs are based on their limited experiences, which never capture reality in its entirety. though it’s easy to believe a personal view is true, it’s simply one interpretation of a far more complex world.

the second principle is that beliefs are built from experiences. they don’t appear out of nowhere; instead, they’re created by what a person focuses on and the conclusions they draw from it. imagine walking into a grocery store. what you notice first depends on what you need – if you’re looking for oranges, you’ll scan for small, round, orange objects. but someone else, perhaps on a tight budget, might only notice sale items. similarly, in everyday life, what a person pays attention to shapes how they think about the world. over time, those thoughts turn into judgments, and from those judgments, beliefs are formed. these beliefs feel obvious because they fit past experiences, but they’re only based on a small slice of reality.

the third principle is that beliefs create a shared world. this becomes especially clear when looking at how beliefs affect behavior. take the story of spitfire, a rescue dog who acted aggressively when given a bone. he’d snarl and even bite if anyone got too close. spitfire’s behavior wasn’t random – it came from a belief formed during his tough past, likely a time when he had to fight to keep whatever little food he had. in his mind, protecting food was a matter of survival. but, through positive interactions – he was repeatedly shown that no one was trying to take his food away – his belief began to change. and as it shifted, so did his behavior.

these three principles help explain how beliefs shape the way people see the world, laying the groundwork for the remaining three principles – which we’ll cover next.

in the early 1990s, gray was considering becoming a university professor. despite being told by both an art teacher and a friend that he couldn’t get the job without a master’s degree, he applied anyway – and ended up being hired. 

gray’s experience taught him that other people’s beliefs, while well-meaning, can limit your sense of what’s possible. and this is the fourth principle: beliefs create blind spots. in other words, beliefs help guide your actions but also create boundaries that can prevent you from seeing real opportunities. questioning these limiting beliefs – whether they come from others or yourself – can open up new possibilities.

the fifth principle is that beliefs defend themselves – people tend to protect their beliefs from outside challenges. studies on how democrats and republicans interpreted facts about the iraq war showed how people can look at the same information but reach completely different conclusions based on their political beliefs. why? because individuals create a “bubble” around their beliefs, filtering out or distorting information that doesn’t fit their worldview. this self-sealing logic makes it difficult for people to challenge or change beliefs, even when confronted with new evidence.

the sixth and final principle is that beliefs are tied to identity. dorothy martin claimed to receive messages from spiritual beings predicting a world-ending flood. but when the flood didn’t happen, martin and her followers didn’t abandon their belief. instead, they became even more convinced that their actions had saved the world. when a belief is tied to your identity, changing it can feel like losing a part of yourself. in martin’s case, her belief wasn’t just a theory – it gave her and her followers a sense of purpose. when deeply held beliefs are challenged, they’re often fiercely defended because they provide meaning and stability. but real growth requires the courage to question them, even though it can be uncomfortable.

now you know the six principles of belief! in the remaining sections, you’ll learn nine practices to help you cut through distorted perceptions, explore new possibilities, and drive meaningful change.

so you want to improve your ability to think clearly and solve problems?

start by assuming you’re not objective. when you’re part of a problem, it can be hard to see your own role in it. one senior executive, for instance, found that his team was hiding information from him. he didn’t realize that his strong reactions to bad news made people hesitant to tell him the truth. if you’re part of the system, you’re also part of the problem. to get a clearer view of yourself, ask a few trusted friends to point out traits they see in you that you may not notice. compare their views with your own, and reflect on any blind spots you discover.

second, let go of assumptions so you can learn something new – in other words, empty your cup. unicef tried to introduce laptops to rural communities in uganda, assuming that people would want to share their stories. the project failed because it hadn’t taken the time to understand the actual needs of the people, like clean water and better infrastructure. when unicef later focused on more familiar technology, like mobile phones, the project succeeded. in your own life, listen to someone as if you’re hearing them for the first time. avoid letting your preconceptions cloud the conversation. you could also try taking the time to simply observe your surroundings, noticing details without forming quick judgments.

the third practice is to create a safe space. when people don’t feel safe enough to express their true concerns, they’ll often say they agree when they really don’t. a grocery store chain wanted to launch online shopping, but the project stalled. why? store managers were worried that online sales would hurt their in-store bonuses. they weren’t comfortable expressing this fear directly, so they slowed down the project by raising other concerns. once the company had addressed the bonus structure, progress was made. 

often, people hide their real concerns because certain emotional needs aren’t being met. the scarf model highlights five such needs: status, which involves feeling valued; certainty, which indicates predictability; autonomy, or having control over your choices; relatedness, which describes your connection with others; and fairness – being treated justly. in the case of the store managers, fairness and autonomy were at risk. when these scarf needs are threatened, people are less likely to feel safe enough to share openly. so to create a safe space, you just need to recognize these needs and make sure they’re being met.

practice creating your own safe space by thinking of a place where you feel emotionally secure and comparing it to a place where you don’t. consider what steps you can take to make that less-safe space feel more stable.

to better understand people and situations, it’s important to look at things from various perspectives. triangulating and validating different viewpoints – the fourth practice – helps you challenge your assumptions. sometimes, assumptions about others are based on incomplete or false theories, like thinking someone is difficult or unreasonable when you don’t have the full picture. instead of sticking to your initial beliefs, take a step back and consider other possibilities. for instance, adrian believed a colleague was working late to outshine everyone else. but when he confronted him, adrian discovered his colleague had a deeper issue at home. the lesson is simple: if something doesn’t make sense, you’re likely missing a key detail. to test this for yourself, think about someone you struggle with and come up with several possible explanations for their behavior. then, have a conversation with them to test your theories.

the fifth practice is to ask questions and make connections. this helps you explore a situation by digging deeper into others’ experiences. when mitchell sipus, a humanitarian aid worker, was hired by the mayor of mogadishu to help solve problems in the city, he found that local fishermen were catching plenty of fish but weren’t making money because they lacked proper refrigeration. by asking around, he found someone with a solution – a local ice vendor – and connected the two parties. as a result, the fishermen’s business improved. the key here is to uncover people’s hopes, frustrations, and needs. ask questions about their goals and challenges, just like sipus did. then, make a connection between their problems and a solution they haven’t considered.

disrupting routines is important – this is the sixth practice. often, problems persist because you fall into autopilot mode, repeating the same solutions without thinking critically about them. but changing a small part of your routine can shift the entire situation. in the case of a rebellious son who repeatedly stayed out late, his parents were stuck in a “doom loop”: the more they tried to impose strict curfews, the more defiant he became. their therapist then suggested a novel approach. instead of confronting him or waiting up, the parents were advised to lock the doors, go to bed, and act sleepy when their son knocked to get back in. this subtle shift in behavior removed the authority he was rebelling against, effectively breaking the cycle. with nothing to resist, the son eventually started coming home on time. think of a recurring issue in your life, perhaps with a colleague or family member, and disrupt your usual way of handling it. by making a change, however small, you’ll see the dynamic shift!

the seventh practice encourages you to act as if in the here and now. jason roberts, for example, wanted to recreate the vibrant european plazas he had seen in his dallas neighborhood. but outdated laws made that seem impossible. instead of accepting these limits, he and his friends staged a temporary transformation. they added crosswalks, put out tables, and turned an empty lot into a park – all without official approval. they then invited the city council to see the result, questioning why such rules existed in the first place. acting as if those barriers didn’t matter brought the conflict into the open, leading to real change. pick an area of your life you’d like to improve. write down your beliefs about it. then, list alternative ones – even absurd ideas – and act on one to see if it makes a difference.

humans naturally turn to stories to explain why things are the way they are; stories shape our beliefs and how we make sense of the world. the problem is, these explanations often rely on faulty logic. for instance, executives who see poor sales might blame individual team members instead of investigating the real causes, letting their stories reinforce their existing beliefs. that’s why the eighth practice says to make sense by telling stories, or inviting others to share theirs. in doing so, you can learn more about the beliefs underlying your own or other people’s actions. reflect on the stories you regularly tell about yourself. what beliefs do they reveal? now, think about the stories your friends and colleagues share. what do those stories suggest about their beliefs?

and now, the ninth and final practice: evolve yourself by embracing small risks and challenging the status quo. in a company with an unwritten dress code, chris ortiz took a small risk by dressing differently from the norm. this simple act didn’t lead to an immediate change in how others dressed, but it did shift their perception of him. his colleagues began to see him as someone creative – not just because of his clothes, but because his willingness to step outside the rules signaled that he thought differently. soon, they began asking for his input on larger issues, trusting his ability to approach problems with fresh ideas. small acts of defiance can shift perceptions and lead to bigger opportunities for change. think about something you’d like to change in your life or work. what small risks could you take to challenge the routine? write down a story of how you imagine your future after making that change – and watch it become a reality.

in this chapter to liminal thinking by dave gray, you’ve learned that beliefs shape how you see and interact with the world – but they’re not the same as reality. 

beliefs are formed through limited experiences and can create blind spots, distorting your perception of possibilities. by recognizing and challenging these mental barriers, you can open up new opportunities for growth. practices like questioning assumptions, creating safe spaces, and disrupting routines can help you overcome deeply ingrained patterns, leading to meaningful change in your life and work.

ok, that’s it for this chapter. we hope you enjoyed it. if you can, please take the time to leave us a rating – we always appreciate your feedback. see you soon!