How to Be an Adult in Relationships

it may sound like a cliché, but love is a mystery. no matter how much we love, or for how long, love is something that will always elude our understanding.

many of us define love as an intense feeling of affection. but david richo sees it differently. to him, love is a way of being present. through love, we gain a deeper understanding of each other, and the world we inhabit.

we’re all born with the capacity to give and receive love. but those who have suffered neglect or abuse in their childhoods or in past relationships may find it difficult to relate and commit to another person.

in these chapters, we’ll explore how you can be more loving to others, and more open to receiving love. 

using the buddhist concept of mindfulness, we’ll look at practices for resolving childhood issues, relinquishing fears of intimacy, and creating happier relationships.

you’ll also learn

• the five concepts of mindful loving;
• how to begin healing your emotional scars; and
• strategies for ending a relationship peacefully.

what’s your first childhood memory? perhaps it’s your parents reading you a story, or bandaging your knee after you fell.

as children, we rely on our parents to meet our emotional needs, and to make us feel safe and wanted.

the emotional support we seek when we’re young can be broken down into what the author calls the five a’s. they are attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing others to be who they are.

receiving these five hallmarks of love is crucial to building a coherent identity and personality and to developing self-esteem. but they’re also essential to building strong bonds with our partners in adulthood.

here’s the key message: five aspects of mindful loving are central to love relationships.

at every stage of our lives, we need the nurturance of loving people who are attuned to our feelings and responsive to our needs. the five a’s outline all the things we need as individuals to foster personal power, cultivate serenity, and enhance our ability to love and be loved.

let’s take a look at these five things.

first up, attention. in relationships, being attentive to our partners means listening to their thoughts and emotions. often, this involves being what the author calls a “mindful witness.” our loved ones may have suffered abuse, betrayals, or hurts in the past and, as their partners, it’s our job to listen to their stories respectfully.

second, there is acceptance – of ourselves and others. mutual acceptance is the bedrock of a healthy relationship. when we find someone who loves us – with all our feelings and emotional burdens – we feel liberated. we don’t have to hide behind a mask because our partner loves us for all that we are.

the third thing is appreciation. this involves valuing our partners’ gifts, knowing and understanding their limitations, and supporting them in the pursuit of their dreams and desires.

affection is the fourth a on the list. it involves holding and touching our partners in respectful ways. receiving affection in the form of kisses, hugs, or even a gentle smile across a room helps us feel loved and wanted. it meets our childlike need to feel safe and secure.

the fifth and final a is allowing life and love to be just what they are – with all their sorrow, ecstasy, and heartache – without trying to take control. this is what it takes to be present in a relationship: to love and to be loved.

when david richo was a child, he spent several weeks each summer at his aunt margaret’s farm. he remembers how her fridge was always brimming with food, while the one at his parents’ house was always empty.

later in life, the author realized that he had spent most of his childhood feeling hungry – not just physically, but emotionally, too. he tried to tell himself that his parents “did the best they could.” but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d been deprived of love and support his whole life.

here’s the key message: childhood can leave us with emotional scars that affect our adult relationships.

our experiences growing up influence our behavior in later relationships. for example, people with unhappy childhoods may be more likely to tolerate abuse from their partners in adulthood. this is because their primal needs – the five a’s – were unmet when they were children.

what’s the psychology behind this? when abused children feel unloved, they keep going back to their parents to fill the void – only to be shunned again. they think to themselves, “you keep hurting me, but i can’t leave you.”

this is why many people stay in abusive relationships in adulthood: instead of thinking that their partners were wrong to abuse them, they believe that they are the ones who are defective. they keep going to their partners for love, only to find that those partners have none to give.

many children who have been abused are unable to reach out for help with these wounds. instead, they may reenact the past in their relationships. for example, adults who grew up in stormy households may see stress as normal. so when things are running smoothly with their partners, they find a way to create unrest.

how do you break out of this vicious cycle?

well, first you have to heal your past traumas. that means grieving your childhood feelings of loss or neglect.

to begin this process, you need to share your painful memories with a person you trust, like a therapist or a friend. speaking aloud about past abuse can lead to what the author calls “mirroring” – meaning that we understand, accept, and allow our feelings.

when we have our feelings mirrored back to us by a mindful listener, we no longer have to feel emotionally deprived. instead, we can learn to give and receive abundant love and trust.

have you ever made bread? if you have, then you’ll know how the process goes. you have to knead the dough, and then sit and wait for it to rise. only then can you put it in the oven to bake.

this is similar to the author’s way of working through problems. this practice combines the effort of rooting out negative thoughts and emotions with the stillness of sitting and waiting. 

here’s the key message: working through our issues involves paying attention and letting go.

when the author works with clients, he draws on the tools of western psychological therapy and the practice of mindfulness. sound complicated? let’s take a look at how this works.

in his psychology work, the author encourages clients to identify their issues and pay attention to the feelings attached to them. then he asks his clients to hold these feelings until they change, or reveal something deeper within them.

after this, he introduces mindfulness – an ancient buddhist practice that brings our attention to what is happening in the present. through mindfulness techniques, clients learn to notice the thoughts or feelings that arise within them – but, instead of holding on to them, they learn to let them go.

mindfulness is about applying the five a’s to the realities and limitations of your life: you attend to them, accept them, appreciate them, feel affection for them, and allow them as they are.

so how can you apply mindfulness to your daily life?

well, one way is through meditation. you can start by meditating for a few minutes a day, and then increase the duration over time.

to begin, sit in a quiet space with your eyes open or closed, your back straight, and your hands placed in your lap. pay attention to your breath. when thoughts or anxieties enter your mind, notice them, label them as “thoughts,” and then return to your breathing. of course, this takes practice. eventually, your breath will drown out any distracting thoughts in the back of your mind.

so, just like the labor of baking bread, staying emotionally and spiritually healthy takes discipline, work, and patience. to iron out past issues, you have to get comfortable with actively working through your problems, and then allowing them to drift away.

in the movies, love is often portrayed as a happy accident.

a typical scene might go like this: a woman walks down the street and bumps into a man. his coffee goes flying. as she tries to help him clean his soiled coat, the pair lock eyes and smile. after chatting for a while, the guy scribbles down his number on the back of a receipt, and they agree to meet again. by the end of the film, church bells are ringing.

this scenario might sound too good to be true. but it’s not far from what can happen in real life. in fact, when we don’t actively look for love – and are content with ourselves – we open up a space for the right person to walk in.

here’s the key message: once we know how to care for and respect ourselves, we can engage in rewarding relationships.

getting to know someone can be scary – especially for those who have been hurt in the past. that’s why taking care of yourself in the dating game is essential. so how can you do this?

first, you make yourself an unconditional promise that you will not change yourself to make someone want you. doing this will only wreak havoc on your self-esteem.

before you go on your next date, try saying the following: “i want a partner, and i am taking care of myself as the first step.” and, “i remain the sentry over my vulnerable inner self during this process.”

in terms of choosing a partner, it’s important to pick someone who wants the same style of relationship as you do.

for example, not everyone is cut out for a fully committed relationship – some are happy with light relationships or friendships, and enjoy only occasional intimacy. on the other hand, some people want to feel a deep connection with a significant other, and enjoy the closeness that commitment can bring.

before entering a relationship, make a list of your needs, values, and wishes for your partnership – and what level of commitment you desire. then, share it with your potential partner. the ideal scenario? both of you are on the same page and willing to meet each other’s needs.

finding the right partner involves being open to people walking into your life. but you also have to love yourself enough to put your needs and wants on the table.

albert einstein once said that looking into nature can help us understand our human story. what did he mean by that?

well, nature works in cycles. a rose starts out as a bud; it blooms, it dies, and then returns as a bud.

this is how we can think of relationships, too: they start out with romance, they progress into conflict, and then repose in commitment. and these cycles can repeat themselves again and again.

we know that love is authentic when it stays intact through all of these phases.

here’s the key message: relationships evolve through three phases to reach their full potential.

let’s examine each of these stages.

first up is romance, which can be described as a deeply moving experience of joy. in this stage of a relationship, we become enveloped in the other person. we’re utterly enchanted by all that they are.

the thing is, romance is fleeting. nature designed romance to bring couples together to mate and propagate the species – but it was never meant to last. that’s why some couples break up after the romance stage: they get so caught up in the thrill of being in love that they are disappointed when the excitement fades.

after romance, couples naturally transition into conflict. in this phase, the romantic image you and your partner have of each other turns into the real image. you begin to see the darker sides of each other’s character, which you may not have seen before.

this phase is totally normal. and it’s a necessary part of building a lasting bond. without the struggle of conflict, we might get lost in one another, and lose ourselves along the way.

if couples can work cooperatively to iron out their issues in the conflict stage, they can then pass into the phase of commitment. but what does commitment look like?

in a committed relationship, couples are able to give and receive the five a’s. they let go of their desire to be right in arguments, and instead search for compromise. they may still fight, but they do not stop loving each other.

so if you feel like your relationship is transitioning from a phase of romance into conflict, stick with it. being able to let go of one stage and shift into another makes for healthy relationships that stand the test of time.

when we’re caught up in the throes of romance, it’s hard to imagine ever feeling scared to be with the person we love. but, as relationships progress, and couples grow closer, fears of betrayal and intimacy – as well as other things – can arise.

don’t worry – this is totally normal. in fact, fears can even help us strengthen our relationships – as long as we don’t let those fears control us.

here’s the key message: letting go of fears can create a lasting bond between you and your partner.

according to the author, engulfment and abandonment are the central relationship fears that couples have to overcome. so what do they mean?

well, engulfment is the fear that, if someone gets too close to us physically or emotionally, we’ll lose our freedom. in this scenario, the five a’s are off-balance: when we feel engulfed, our partners are giving us too much attention or affection, and not enough acceptance and allowing.

then there’s abandonment – the fear that if someone leaves us, we may not survive emotionally. if we think back to the five a’s again, abandonment means a loss of attention, appreciation or affection.

in both cases, our fear comes from feeling powerless. we feel trapped, controlled, and at the mercy of others. so how can we learn to manage these fears?

the author recommends using the triple-a approach, which stands for admit, allow, and act as if.

first, you have to admit your fears to yourself and others. this involves naming your fears without blaming anyone. for example, you could say to your partner, “i am scared to get close to you because . . . ,” or “my fear of betrayal comes from . . . .”

then, you have to allow yourself to feel your fears, without judging them. this aligns with our practice of mindfulness: we allow our feelings to emerge, we recognize them for what they are, and then we let them go.

next up, act as if you have no fear. for example, if you fear abandonment, try to get comfortable being away from your partner for one minute more each day. and, if you fear engulfment, try to stay away from your partner for one minute less.

working through our fears involves allowing ourselves to feel them. we can only master fear if we learn to tolerate its discomfort.

if you’ve ever left a relationship, you’ll know how painful it can be.

when letting go of a partner, you’re not only giving up the bond you two had – you’re also giving up the hope and work you invested in keeping the relationship going.

the thing is, struggling to keep something alive that has already expired is ultimately more painful than letting the relationship die. if you feel that the bond between you and your partner is waning, it might be better in the long run to end the relationship and move on.

here’s the key message: when relationships end, resolve your issues and leave peacefully.

here are a few signs that your relationship may be nearing its end.

a big indicator that a relationship is on its way out is if you no longer feel happy and safe in each other’s company. if you’re not regularly making time for one another, and if you struggle to be intimate sexually, these could be signs that your emotional bond is dissipating.

another indicator is if you no longer trust your partner. maybe you’re constantly checking the other person’s phone, scared by the thought that he or she is unfaithful. or maybe you catch yourself worrying that your partner might abandon you. these actions show that your emotional needs – the five a’s – are not being met.

ultimately, if you feel like you’re unable to love, respect, and support your partner – and he or she is unable to do the same for you – then it might be time to consider ending the relationship peacefully.

here are some strategies for how to do so.

first, make sure to discuss with your partner the reasons why you want to end your relationship. it’s important for both of you to talk everything out so that you can address, process, and resolve your concerns together.

next up, give yourself the space to grieve alone and let go. it’s no use jumping into a new relationship hoping it’ll heal the wounds; you need to give yourself the time to mourn the relationship and learn from it.

the most important thing? try not to see leaving a relationship as a totally negative thing. instead, see it as a new beginning. once you’ve let the chips fall where they may, you can use the pieces you’re left with as tools for building whatever comes next.

one of the author’s earliest recollections is feeling loved by his grandma.

when his mother was absent, his grandma would sit beside him as he worked on a puzzle or listened to his favorite radio show.

now, as an adult, the author always remembers the comfort and security he got from this older female presence. it was the love he received from his grandmother that taught him how to love, too.

here’s the key message: loving one person teaches us how to love the rest of the world.

when we grow up and enter adult relationships, we learn how to love another person intimately. the author believes that this then teaches us how to love the entire world.

how? through commitment. by giving and receiving the five a’s, resolving problems, and keeping our agreements with and promises to one person, we learn how to do it with others.

our relationships with our immediate partners can also teach us to be compassionate. when we enter into an adult partnership, we accept that our significant other is imperfect, but we commit ourselves to accept and love that person anyway.

let’s look at how love and compassion play out in real-life.

consider the following situation: you’re a manager at a large corporation, and you want to foster cooperation and good feeling among your staff. how do you do that?

well, you can use the five a’s as a blueprint for supporting your staff emotionally – just as you would for your partner.

pay attention to your employees’ feelings and concerns. accept their gifts and limitations, and appreciate their accomplishments and difficulties. you can also show personal affection – through trust and encouragement – and allow them decision-making power.

and what about compassion? well, being compassionate basically means being respectful of the power and potential others have inside them.

if you’re a manager, give your employees the tools to learn a new skill – and then step back and allow them to work things out for themselves. be on hand when they ask for support.

so, when we make a commitment to a partner by giving the five a’s, we’re able to deliver these five aspects of love to the world. all of us are born with the abundant possibility of bringing love to the world – and we can teach ourselves and others how to do this.

the key message in these chapters:

there are five aspects of love that make for happy relationships. we feel loved when we receive attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and when we’re allowed to be who we are. by giving and receiving these five a’s, our relationships can become deeper and more meaningful, and they can even change the world.

actionable advice:

vent your anger healthily.

all of us have the right to express our anger – as long as it doesn’t affect others negatively. if you have an argument with your loved one, take yourself away from the situation. try walking in a circle – preferably outside – saying “no!” over and over. or walk according to the rhythm of a short sentence that describes why you’re angry – like, “you don’t listen to me!” this will help you diffuse your anger so that you can discuss your feelings calmly with your partner later on.

got feedback?

we’d love to hear what you think about our content! just drop an email to remember@summarybook.org with how to be an adult in relationships as the subject line and share your thoughts!

what to read next: the four noble truths of love, by susan piver

you’ve just learned how the buddhist practice of mindfulness can help you heal past traumas and create happier relationships. the chapters to the four noble truths of love expand upon these ideas.

drawing on buddhist teachings and her own relationship experiences, susan piver examines what it truly means to love, and how individuals can learn to love more freely. she also explores how compassion and resilience can be learned from the ups and downs of everyday life.

so if you’re keen to gain more buddhist wisdom on building and maintaining loving relationships, head over to the chapters to the four noble truths of love.