Breakup Bootcamp

when amy chan was 29, she discovered that the man she thought she was going to marry had cheated on her. the breakup was hell, but when chan came out the other side, she had a new sense of purpose. she wanted to share what she had learned from her own experiences and her research on how to use the pain of heartbreak as an opportunity for growth.

in 2017, she set up a retreat called renew breakup bootcamp, and ever since, she’s been helping people to heal. if you’re struggling to get over a breakup, this guide is for you. 

while you can’t fast-forward through the pain, you can gain insight into your own thoughts and feelings. you can even learn how to rewire your brain. 

in this chapter, we’ll be focusing on just a few practical exercises  – ways to recover from heartbreak and change your mindset for good based on recommendations from scientists, psychologists, and other experts.

don;t forget, as unlikely as it feels at first, a breakup is an opportunity to redirect your life. like chan, you too can heal, move forward, and find peace within yourself. so, let’s begin!

we all know just how devastating heartbreak can be. what you might not know is that it literally changes your brain. people who have recently gone through a break-up show particular brain activity. they’re in withdrawal mode, like drug addicts in need of a fix. that’s because they’re so used to getting dopamine hits from their partner. so, when we lose a partner, we also lose a reliable source of that feel-good chemical – just one of many reasons why breakups are so hard.

unfortunately, there’s no magic pill to help heal a broken heart. and there’s no shortcut either. before you can move forward, you have to grieve the relationship, and go through the stages – shock, denial, depression, anger, and maybe even bargaining, before you get to acceptance. it takes time. 

having said that, there are ways to make the recovery process easier. first, no matter how terrible the breakup, remember this – it’s not about your ex. this is a time to focus on yourself, and your own feelings. if you’ve recently gone through a breakup, you’re probably on a rollercoaster of emotions. many of us try to numb ourselves, or hide from our emotions. but as you’ve probably noticed, it doesn’t work. when we try to avoid our feelings, they creep up on us later and our reaction can become even more intense.

as it is often said, “the only way out is through.” we need to feel our feelings, and accept them. only then can we process them. one way to do this is to recognize our “emotional reaction go-tos.” when you feel an uncomfortable emotion – sadness, for instance – what do you normally do? do you try to self-medicate with food or alcohol? do you distract yourself with work? or perhaps, you do the opposite, inflating the emotion with negative thinking. take a moment to reflect on your reactions. having some awareness will help you to respond differently in future, and get into a habit of feeling your feelings.

however, be careful – there’s a difference between feeling and feeding. when amy went through a breakup in her twenties, she really struggled. one night, feeling lonely and unable to sleep, she started looking at her ex-boyfriend’s social media – big mistake. she saw a photo of her ex at a party. he was posing with friends, smiling, a drink in hand. amy was filled with anger. her mind started racing. “how dare he be having fun at a party after breaking her heart!”, she thought. then she couldn’t stop. while she kept looking at more pictures, creating a story in her head. she got herself so worked up, she had a panic attack.

now, here’s something to consider. while emotions are natural, the physiological lifespan of an emotion – how long it lasts in the brain and the body – is just 90 seconds. if it lasts longer than that, it’s because of the story we’ve created about the emotion. that’s what amy did, when she looked at the picture of her ex – she fed her feelings, making herself feel worse. and she got caught up in a story that she’d invented.

we tell ourselves stories all the time. that’s how our brains are wired. in fact, there’s a part of the left cerebral hemisphere that’s known as “the interpreter”, which is constantly coming up with narratives, trying to help us protect our sense of self.

the problem is, these stories aren’t necessarily always true. all too often, we fall victim to our own cognitive distortions, or thinking traps, getting caught up in false narratives. if that sounds familiar, here’s a question to consider. are you inadvertently retraumatizing yourself?

obsessively ruminating – going over the story of the breakup over and over again – can be harmful. the body can’t tell the difference between things that happened in the past, present, and future. when we mentally relive upsetting events from the past, it triggers a stress response in the body. of course, a bit of rumination is normal, especially right after a breakup. but it’s also important to learn how to regulate and redirect your thoughts. 

when you catch yourself in the cycle – getting stuck in a loop of anxious thoughts about your ex, for example – pull your attention back to the present moment. focus on your breathing, and any sensory experiences. every time you notice yourself ruminating, gently redirect your attention to the present.

and here’s something else you can try: take a moment to reflect on the story you’re telling yourself. take a pen and paper and write down the story of what happened with you and your ex. it’s okay if the points are long, but keep them to ten. part two of the exercise is separating fact from fiction. take another look at the ten-point story you wrote. as you go through it, try to identify anything that’s not completely factual – any thinking traps.

here are just a few examples of thinking traps you may be prone to: filtering, or focusing only on the negative. for instance: “our entire relationship was a lie.” another one is mind-reading, or making assumptions about what others are thinking or feeling. if someone laughs after looking in your direction, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re laughing at you. also, look out for “should” statements – arbitrary things like “i should be married by now.” you may also notice some examples of all-or-nothing thinking, using words like “always” or “never.” perhaps you’ve used phrases like “men never want a committed relationship with me.”

once you’ve identified some of the thinking traps in your original story, rewrite it. but this time, write it in five points, sticking to the facts. do you see the difference? your story should feel more neutral now, and lighter, too.

just as our stories can be limiting, so can our beliefs. many of our beliefs – the fundamental things we accept as true about ourselves and the world – are formed at an early age. a belief that we’re unloveable, for example, might originate in childhood, if we have a difficult relationship with our parents. as we grow up, we hold on to these beliefs. they can become so deeply ingrained that we don’t question them, even though they influence our lives.

for instance, if you struggle to find a committed partner, the root of the issue might be a core belief you have about yourself, such as the conviction that you’re somehow not good enough. the good news is, it’s possible to change our beliefs. it takes time and perseverance, but it is possible. the goal is to replace the old, negative belief with a new, more positive one. 

now, let’s be realistic. you can’t jump from “i’ll never find love” to “i’m going to marry ryan gosling.” instead, aim to soften the old thought, or make it less extreme. we can think of it as a “ladder of beliefs.”. at the bottom of the ladder is the old belief. for instance: “there are no good men out there.” the next rung of the ladder is a softened version of that belief. something like: “although i’ve been hurt in the past, there may be some nice men i haven’t met yet.” then you get to the final rung. “there are all kinds of men in the world, and i believe i can meet someone who’s a good match for me.”

this development has to be gradual. you can’t jump from the bottom of the ladder to the top overnight – your brain won’t accept the new belief if it’s too different. 

when you’re ready, create your own ladder of beliefs. choose an old belief about yourself or your love life which you’ve identified as being unhelpful. write it down as the first rung in your ladder. then ask yourself: is this belief completely true all the time? it’s probably not. realizing that it’s just an assumption, and not a hard fact, is an essential step. for your next rung, write down a new version of that belief – one that’s more honest. think about any evidence you have for this belief, or ways it could realistically be true in the future. then, for your final rung, write down your goal – something that you aspire to believe. 

you can also think of these rungs as your past, present, and future beliefs. write down that final belief – your goal – somewhere you’ll see it every day, or repeat it to yourself as a mantra. look for examples of this belief being true. slowly, things will start to shift.

let’s go back to something we mentioned earlier – a fact about the brain. when we’re mentally reliving an experience, the brain isn’t good at telling the difference between past and present – between something imagined, and something that’s actually happening right now. sometimes, that’s a problem. but we can also use this quirk of the brain to our advantage, as a kind of hack. 

visualization can be incredibly powerful. when you’re trying to change your beliefs, use visualization techniques. this is based on work by researcher and author, dr. joe dispenza. according to dispenza, by repeatedly visualizing the future outcome we desire, imagining it as if it were already real, the brain will accept it as such. and while that might be hard to believe, the research backs it up.

in a study from harvard university, two groups of participants practiced a piano exercise for a couple of hours a day. while one group practiced on a piano, the other group did the exercise in their minds. and yet, by the end of the study, brain scans revealed that people in the second group – the ones that did the exercise mentally – had new neurological programming: researchers found there were changes in the part of the brain that’s responsible for controlling finger movements. knowing this, don’t you want to try rewiring your own brain?

so, take that new belief from the previous exercise. maybe it’s a more optimistic view of yourself, or your romantic prospects. now, sit down somewhere quiet. take a few deep breaths, and close your eyes. imagine yourself entering a room. in this place, your new belief is a reality. how are you moving? what’s your expression? imagine the other people in the room, too. how are they responding to you? visualize the scene in as much detail as possible – all the colors, smells, and sounds. notice any emotions too, as you completely immerse yourself.

when you use your imagination in this way, your brain begins to change, forming new neural pathways. so, by repeating this exercise again and again, you can help your brain to accept a new belief as fact. 

remember, many things in life are outside of our control. so, let’s focus on the things we can control, such as our beliefs, which in turn affect our behavior, and our relationships with others.

when chan went through a breakup, she realized something important. her so-called happiness was almost entirely dependent on external factors – her boyfriend, her impressive job, her apartment. when you base your happiness on external things, and then you lose those things, it’s absolutely devastating. 

inevitably, we will lose things we love. relationships end all the time. jobs and apartments come and go. so, what’s the lesson here? for chan, it was the importance of finding a sense of peace and happiness in herself, instead of being dependent on things outside of her control.

significantly, it was only after working on herself, by finding ways to regulate her emotions, and practicing self-love and mindfulness, that she was able to open her heart again. now, amy is in a happy, loving relationship, but her identity and self-worth are no longer tied to her partner.

finally, here’s something else to think about – what are you striving for anyway? so many of us pursue happiness, often in the form of a partner. we’re always looking for the next thing that we think will give us fulfillment. 

but in doing so, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment, and even suffering. so maybe it’s fair to consider a different goal. instead of aiming for happiness, aim for acceptance. a mindful approach can be helpful – taking a deep breath, and becoming aware of the present moment, just as it is. to achieve this is not always easy, but maybe we should try our best to accept things as they are, without judgment. that way, we can find peace and fulfillment in our lives regardless of our relationship status.

in this chapter to breakup bootcamp by amy chan, you’ve learned that heartbreak affects our brains as well as our emotions. when we lose a partner, we also lose access to an important source of dopamine. we’re like addicts in withdrawal. no wonder it feels impossible to move on.  but while there’s no shortcut to healing, there’s a lot we can learn about ourselves.

first, understand that grief is a process. shock, denial, anger, and sadness are all natural stages you must feel in order to heal. avoiding emotions only delays recovery. also, be mindful of your thoughts. don’t “feed” emotions by creating stories around them. instead, focus on the present moment and reframe negative narratives.

to change deeply ingrained beliefs, perform exercises involving reflection and visualization. studies show that with time and practice, you can effectively rewire your brain.

ultimately, the goal isn’t love, or happiness – it’s acceptance. by finding peace within, you can thrive no matter what.

okay, that’s it for now. we hope you enjoyed it. if you can, please take the time to leave us a rating – we always appreciate your feedback. see you in the next chapter!