A Liberated Mind

have you ever tried to fight off unwanted thoughts, push away difficult feelings, or force yourself to think positively only to discover how fruitless this can be? psychological research confirms that battling your mind often backfires, making unwanted thoughts and feelings even stronger. but what if there was another way? 

by learning six key mental shifts, you can develop the flexibility to handle life’s challenges while staying true to what matters most. think of it like learning to dance with your thoughts instead of wrestling them.

in this chapter, you’ll discover practical skills to untangle from mental traps, navigate painful emotions with grace, and take meaningful action even when things get tough.

when maya found herself worrying about an upcoming presentation, she tried what most of us do – she told herself to stop worrying. and the worry got louder. so she tried harder to push it away. and the anxiety grew even stronger. she found herself caught in a feedback loop that amplified her anxiety to the red line. does that sound familiar?

your mind is doing exactly what it evolved to do,  trying to protect you by pointing out every possible danger or problem on the horizon. when you treat these thoughts as threats that need to be eliminated, you’re telling your brain that these dangers are real and need even more attention. it’s like trying to force yourself not to think about pink elephants – suddenly they’re everywhere.

consider jamal, who struggled with feelings of not being good enough. the more he tried to convince himself that these thoughts were wrong, the more examples his mind found to prove they were right. fighting with your thoughts is like quicksand – the harder you struggle, the deeper you sink.

so what’s the alternative? instead of battling your mind, you can learn to relate to your thoughts differently. when aisha notices herself thinking, i can’t handle this, she now follows up with a simple phrase: i’m having the thought that i can’t handle this. this small shift helps her see thoughts as passing mental events rather than absolute truths.

to put this into practice for yourself, start small. the next time you’re stuck in a loop of unwanted thoughts, imagine them as clouds passing across the sky of your mind. you don’t need to chase them away or grab onto them. just notice them floating by. or picture your thoughts as cars on a train – you can watch them pass without having to jump aboard every one.

the goal isn’t to get rid of difficult thoughts or feelings. when kenzo faces social anxiety, instead of trying to eliminate it, he acknowledges it. he even greets it with a friendly hello old friend, instead of pushing it away. this simple acknowledgment often reduces the thought’s power more effectively than any attempt to fight it.

remember, your mind is like an overprotective friend who means well but sometimes goes overboard. you don’t need to argue with it or try to silence it. instead, you can thank it for trying to help while choosing whether or not to take its advice.

in the next section, you'll learn how to maintain a steady sense of self even when your thoughts and feelings are stormy. for now, practice catching yourself when you’re fighting with your mind, and experiment with watching your thoughts instead of wrestling them.

imagine your mind is like the weather. it’s constantly changing, sometimes bright, sometimes stormy, sometimes cloudy. but you are like the sky – always present, always vast enough to hold whatever weather passes through. this isn’t just a nice metaphor. it’s a practical way to understand your relationship with difficult experiences.

when adebayo received harsh feedback at work, his thoughts turned dark and stormy. but instead of being swept away in self-criticism, he practiced noticing these experiences from a wider perspective. he reminded himself that just as the sky isn’t damaged by storms, his deeper sense of self wasn’t damaged by temporary disappointment.

this skill of perspective-taking is like developing a mental superpower. think about watching a movie. you’re aware of the screen and the story, but you’re also aware that you’re sitting in the theater watching. in the same way, you can learn to notice your thoughts and feelings while staying connected to the part of you that’s doing the noticing.

sofia practices this when anxiety strikes. instead of saying i’m anxious, she notices i'm experiencing anxiety right now. this subtle shift helps her maintain perspective even when emotions run high. she’s the sky observing the weather, not the weather itself.

try this simple exercise: close your eyes for a moment and notice any thoughts, feelings, or sensations you’re experiencing. now, ask yourself, who or what is doing the noticing? this observing part of you is always present, like the sky behind the clouds.

lin uses this skill during difficult conversations with family. when emotions rise, she mentally steps back and notices the whole scene – her racing thoughts, tight chest, and the urge to argue – all while staying connected to her observing self. this helps her respond thoughtfully instead of escalating.

the important thing to remember is that your thoughts, your emotions, and your experiences don’t define you. you’re the awareness that can notice all these things. when yara feels overwhelmed by self-doubt, she reminds herself that these are thoughts passing through her awareness, just like clouds across the sky.

practice switching perspectives throughout your day. notice when you’re caught up in mental weather, then gently shift to sky-consciousness. this doesn’t mean detaching from your experiences, rather it means finding a stable place from which to engage with them more effectively.

in the next section, you’ll see how this wider perspective can help you transform your relationship with pain and difficulty.

most of us grow up learning that pain is the enemy. we spend enormous energy trying to avoid emotional discomfort, push away difficult memories, or numb ourselves to challenging feelings. but what if pain isn’t your enemy? what if it’s actually a messenger carrying important information about what matters to you?

consider rahima, who felt deep grief after losing a close friendship. her first instinct was to stay busy and avoid the pain. but when she allowed herself to feel her sadness fully, she discovered something surprising – her grief was showing her how deeply she values connection with others.

this doesn’t mean you should seek out pain or wallow in it. instead, think of acceptance as dropping the struggle. when zhen experiences anxiety about pursuing his dreams, rather than fighting the feeling, he acknowledges it: of course i'm anxious – i'm doing something that matters to me.

imagine you’re holding a heavy weight at arm’s length. the longer you fight to keep it away from you, the more exhausted you become. but when you bring it closer, the burden actually feels lighter. emotional pain works similarly. the energy you spend avoiding pain often causes more suffering than the original feeling.

to put this into practice, the next time you notice yourself resisting an uncomfortable emotion, gently turn toward it with curiosity. locate the feelings in your body – in feelings of tightness or pain. observe how the feeling moves or changes, it might connect to other feelings along the way. finally, note what happens when you make space for it instead of pushing it away. you might discover that just by observing, the force is dialed down.

kayla practices this with her social anxiety. instead of avoiding situations that make her nervous, she brings mindful awareness to the physical sensations – the butterfly feeling in her stomach, the tightness in her chest. by accepting these sensations rather than fighting them, she often finds they become more manageable.

remember, acceptance doesn’t mean resignation. when marcus faces discrimination, he doesn’t accept it as okay – but he does accept his anger and hurt as natural responses that can inform his actions for change.

think of emotional pain like a teacher who sometimes delivers tough lessons. the teacher might not always be gentle, but fighting against the lesson usually just prolongs the learning process.

next, you'll learn how to use this accepting stance to connect with what truly matters to you, turning pain into purposeful action.

think of values as your inner compass, always pointing toward what matters most to you. unlike goals, which you can check off and complete, values are ongoing directions you can move toward throughout your life. like the north star, they don’t signify a destination but offer a consistent direction to follow.

when elena felt stuck in her career, she tried something different from just setting new goals. she asked herself a simple question: when i'm at my best, what kind of person do i want to be? the answer wasn't about job titles or achievements, but about bringing creativity and helpfulness to whatever she does.

your values reflect what naturally energizes and excites you, rather than what you think you should prioritize. hassan discovered this when he stopped trying to follow others’ definitions of success. instead of chasing status, he recognized his deep value of continuous learning. this shift changed how he approached each day, finding opportunities to grow even in simple moments.

try this revealing exercise: imagine you’re celebrating your 90th birthday. what would you want people to remember about how you lived? not your achievements, but the qualities you brought to your relationships and activities. these qualities point toward your core values.

amara uses her values as a flashlight in dark times. when facing difficult decisions, she asks herself, which choice moves me toward the kind of person i want to be? this doesn't always make choices easier, but it makes them clearer.

and values differ from rules. they’re freely chosen directions that energize rather than restrict you. when raj realized that connecting with others deeply mattered to him, even small interactions became meaningful opportunities rather than social obligations.

notice what makes you feel most alive and engaged. maybe it’s creating something new, helping others grow, exploring ideas, or standing up for what’s right. these energizing activities often reveal your underlying values.

and you don’t need to justify your values to anyone. when priya chose to prioritize family connection over career advancement, some questioned her choice. but values guide you toward living authentically and true to yourself, rather than conforming to others’ expectations.

up next, how to turn these values into committed action, even when doubts and difficulties arise.

understanding your mind and values is powerful, but real transformation happens through action. think of it like learning to dance – you can study the steps all you want, but at some point, you need to step onto the dance floor.

when flora decided to become a community organizer, her mind filled with doubts. instead of waiting for confidence to arrive, she took small steps aligned with her values. each action, from attending her first meeting to speaking up for others, built momentum for the next.

committed action involves progressing toward meaningful directions, carrying your thoughts and feelings with you, rather than forcing yourself forward. kenji practices this at work – when presenting ideas makes him nervous, he reminds himself that sharing knowledge matters more than perfect delivery.

there’s a simple approach to putting this into practice. choose just one small action aligned with your values for tomorrow. maybe it’s spending five minutes really listening to someone you care about, or taking one step toward a project that matters to you. notice any thoughts or feelings that arise, make room for them, and move forward anyway.

these practices add up to mental flexibility, which becomes essential when obstacles appear. when fatima’s art project didn’t turn out as planned, she noticed her perfectionist thoughts without getting tangled in them. instead of giving up, she adjusted her approach while staying true to her value of creative expression.

remember, progress isn’t linear. some days you’ll move confidently toward what matters; other days you’ll stumble or step backward. what counts is your willingness to keep dancing with life, even when the rhythm feels challenging.

think of each day as a series of choice points. when nina feels overwhelmed with work, she pauses to ask, what small action would align with my values right now? sometimes it’s taking a mindful breath to stay present, sometimes it’s reaching out to support a colleague.

build your personal flexibility plan around these questions: what matters to you? what small steps could move you in that direction? what thoughts or feelings might show up along the way? how can you carry them while staying in motion?

diego integrates these skills into daily life by setting reminders on his phone: notice your thoughts without getting caught in them. make space for difficult feelings. take one step toward what matters. these prompts help him stay connected to his practice throughout busy days.

remember, the goal isn’t to perfect your life but to live it more fully. each time you notice yourself getting caught in old patterns, each time you make space for difficult experiences, each time you take action toward what matters – you’re strengthening your psychological flexibility.

the main takeaways of this chapter to a liberated mind by steven hayes are that fighting with your thoughts or emotions only makes them stronger, but you can learn to watch them pass like weather across the sky of your awareness instead. pain isn’t your enemy but a messenger about what matters to you – when you stop struggling against it, you can use it as a guide toward your values. your values act as an inner compass, pointing not toward achievements but toward the qualities you want to bring to each moment. true transformation happens when you take small, committed actions in meaningful directions, carrying your thoughts and feelings with you rather than waiting for them to change. the path to psychological flexibility isn’t about perfection but about dancing with life as it unfolds, one step at a time.

okay, that’s it for this chapter. we hope you enjoyed it. if you can, please take the time to leave us a rating – we always appreciate your feedback. see you in the next chapter.