5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life

high-conflict individuals, such as sociopaths, manipulators, and narcissists, can appear in every area of life – work, family, and even romance. they might look like a charming coworker who constantly undermines you behind your back, a family member who uses guilt to control your behavior, or a romantic partner who twists your words to make you feel like you’re the problem. 

high-conflict individuals are everywhere. and these individuals are experts at hiding their true nature, often deceiving everyone except their targets. if you’ve already experienced their destructive tactics, you know how deeply destabilizing they can be. 

the good news is that most people – 80 to 90 percent – are trustworthy and will behave as expected. the bad news? that remaining sliver of the population is made up of five types of individuals who can wreak havoc in your life, from your career and finances to your health and sanity. 

learn more about them in this chapter.

before diving into the five specific types of high-conflict individuals who can wreak havoc in your life, let’s first understand the overarching category they belong to: high-conflict personality types. these individuals are distinguished by predictable patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that consistently escalate rather than defuse conflict. 

four key behavior patterns are characteristic of high-conflict individuals. first, they engage in all-or-nothing thinking, viewing conflicts in black-and-white terms. for them, the only acceptable outcome is complete agreement with their demands, and they often react to dissent by abruptly severing relationships. 

second, they display intense and unmanaged emotions, surprising others with disproportionate outbursts and fixating obsessively on past grievances.

third, their extreme behaviors and threats can range from spreading rumors and lying to physical aggression or complete withdrawal. these actions may stem from their volatile emotions or a desire for dominance, and they often show little awareness of the harm they inflict on others. 

finally, the most telling trait is their preoccupation with blaming others. they intensely and repeatedly fault those around them – especially close relationships or authority figures – and direct their anger and criticism at a specific “target of blame.”

recognizing these behaviors is the first step to navigating interactions with high-conflict personalities while safeguarding your own well-being.

what do lance armstrong and saddam hussein have in common? both exhibit traits of high-conflict narcissistic personality types. consider armstrong: he engaged in systematic doping to preserve his image as a “winner,” dismissing truth-tellers with disdain and showing no remorse. hussein, like many authoritarian figures, ruthlessly discarded allies and disregarded human suffering when relationships lost their utility. both examples highlight how narcissistic high-conflict personalities can do serious damage to those around them.

so, what is a narcissist? these are people who see themselves as superior and act accordingly. initially charming, they soon reveal an entitled, demeaning attitude. 

not all narcissists are high-conflict. however, when a high-conflict narcissist targets someone, the results are destructive. spotting them can be challenging. while some wear their arrogance openly, others conceal it under a facade of charm. they often gravitate toward high-prestige roles – for example, in law or politics or helping professions (teaching, nursing), that grant them power over others.

the narcissist’s words often reveal arrogance and disdain. emotionally, interacting with this type can leave you feeling drained, unsure of yourself, or excessively in awe of them. their behavior includes dismissing critique, bending rules for themselves, and refusing reciprocity. 

how do you maintain a relationship with this type of person?

when you connect with them, maintain a calm and positive tone to avoid triggering their defensiveness. for example, say, “i see you’re passionate about this,” to acknowledge their emotions without agreeing. from here, move on to analyzing options. focus on solving problems, not assigning blame. offer choices, such as, “we could proceed this way, or we can try another approach. what do you think?”

the narcissist will try to manipulate you with misinformation or personal attacks. keep your responses brief and factual. if they distort events, counter with neutral facts, like, “that’s not how i recall it. here’s what happened.” and finally, set limits. be firm and consistent about boundaries. for instance, if they demand special treatment, calmly reiterate what is fair for everyone. 

if you’re ready to break contact with a high-conflict narcissist, don’t criticize or blame them; this will make you a target. stay neutral by focusing on your evolving needs, and avoid being drawn into dramatics. handling high-conflict narcissists with caution and strategy is not failure – it’s smart self-preservation.

have you ever seen the devil wears prada? meryl streep’s character, miranda priestley, exemplifies the high-conflict borderline personality type. miranda oscillates between being a charming mentor and a tyrannical, unpredictable boss. she offers andy, her assistant, unique opportunities, but constantly threatens to fire her. meanwhile, andy behaves as many targets of blame do: trying to please miranda while getting caught in her schemes. the movie ends happily when andy breaks free, but not all borderline relationships conclude so neatly.

high-conflict borderline personalities can seem charming and wonderful for long periods – until you trigger their abandonment fear. then, they may explode with rage, spread rumors, take legal action, or even lash out physically. they often turn others against their target, using intimidation to ensure compliance. their words often betray a pattern of all-or-nothing thinking, particularly around their perceived victimhood. statements like, “everyone has taken advantage of me!” or “no one has ever been there for me!” are common.

emotionally, they can be intense. initially, their enthusiasm for closeness can feel flattering – but as the relationship progresses, their volatile nature emerges. their behavior follows a similar pattern of extremes. they often push for quick intimacy, demand your allegiance, and may trample your boundaries without remorse. when conflict arises, they may resort to aggressive threats, only to later deny they made them.

to manage a relationship with a high-conflict borderline personality, start by connecting empathetically, but without engaging in their victim narrative. for instance, a neutral response like, “that sounds frustrating,” can acknowledge their feelings without escalating the situation. 

when responding to hostility or misinformation, remain calm and clear. avoid engaging with exaggerated threats like, “i’ll ruin your career!” instead, stick to the facts without emotion. finally, set limits firmly and respectfully. clearly define the scope of your relationship, such as when you’re available or what responsibilities you can reasonably take on, and consistently enforce these boundaries.

if you’re ready to end the relationship, do so carefully. phasing out contact gradually helps avoid triggering their fear of abandonment, which could provoke extreme reactions. dealing with a high-conflict borderline personality is never easy, but with careful strategies and clear boundaries, you can protect your well-being while maintaining as much peace as possible.

ted bundy, the notorious serial killer of the 1970s and ’80s, exemplified the high-conflict antisocial personality type. his chilling modus operandi often began with a calculated act of vulnerability: wearing a cast and asking for help loading books into his car. when his female victims leaned into his car, he shoved them inside. this ruse preyed on empathy, allowing bundy to trap his victims. while not all high-conflict antisocial personalities commit crimes as heinous as bundy’s, they share a pattern of deceit, risk-taking, and a disturbing lack of remorse.

antisocial high-conflict personalities thrive on dominating others, and routinely violate societal norms. some of this behavior may be biological – research shows they experience a lower heart rate during conflict, making them adept escalators and fearless risk-takers. while most will not commit murder, they may engage in unethical or reckless behaviors such as chronic lying, tax fraud, speeding, or running multiple scams – like juggling several families simultaneously.

spotting these individuals requires vigilance. their words are often seductive, excessively complimentary, or strategically vulnerable to draw you in. if you listen carefully, you’ll likely detect inconsistencies in their stories. emotionally, they might leave you doubting your instincts – this is their method of manipulation. pay attention to how they isolate you, whether by withholding information, sowing mistrust, or distancing you from your support system. their behavior is marked by recklessness, irresponsibility, and a history of extreme actions.

to avoid entanglement, resist flattery and don’t offer personal information or assistance too easily. if maintaining a relationship is necessary, connect respectfully but minimally. don’t show too much empathy, as this personality type is liable to use it against you. crucially, set firm boundaries, with clear consequences attached, like “if you lie to me, i will have to terminate this relationship.” if the boundary is broken, follow through on that consequence.

breaking ties with antisocial high-conflict personalities is especially delicate. they react poorly to humiliation or perceived dominance, often retaliating. choose from two exit strategies. one: leaving step by step in a carefully stage-managed break. or, two: making an outright and immediate break with plenty of support on hand – for example, having workplace security on-site and fully briefed if you need to fire a high-conflict antisocial employee.

the neighbor who accuses you of stealing their parcels. the coworker who warns you that no one can be trusted. the partner who is convinced you’re having an affair. these individuals might all share traits of a high-conflict paranoid personality type.

high-conflict paranoid personalities are driven by a deep-seated belief that others are out to harm them. they hold grudges for perceived or entirely imaginary slights and see conspiracies everywhere. early encounters with them might seem innocuous as they attempt to recruit you as a negative advocate – enlisting your support against a perceived enemy or conflict. only later might it become clear that these conflicts largely exist in their mind.

their words often revolve around distrust, using extreme language to describe others’ actions or intentions, like, “peter will stab you in the back,” or “you can’t trust ximena at all.” when you spend time with them, you might feel pressured to agree with their version of events, even when it contradicts your own experiences. they overreact to neutral situations and expect you to validate their interpretation.

escalation is a hallmark of this personality type. they make frequent accusations – someone has stolen from them, harassed them, or even poisoned their food. it’s vital to treat serious allegations with care, but if these accusations lack evidence and occur repeatedly, you are likely dealing with a high-conflict paranoid personality.

managing these relationships requires tact. avoid directly challenging their suspicions, as they may react defensively or escalate further. similarly, don’t encourage their paranoia. stick to neutral responses such as, “i wasn’t there, so i can’t say what happened,” or propose alternative explanations: “your purse might have been stolen, or maybe it’s still in the meeting room. shall we check?” when setting boundaries, appeal to external rules and policies: “i understand your concern, but we need clear evidence to file a complaint.”

if you decide to end the relationship, do so gradually to avoid triggering additional paranoia or conflict. a gentle, phased approach can help de-escalate any potential backlash.

on the day of her father’s funeral, amy hoped to grieve alongside her mother, nadine. instead, nadine’s behavior turned the day into a spectacle. she accused amy of “murdering” her father, claiming his health deteriorated after amy moved away. later, nadine collapsed into sobbing hysterics, demanding a promise that amy would never “abandon” her like she “abandoned” her father.

this is the hallmark of a high-conflict histrionic personality. these individuals crave being the center of attention, often to the detriment of others. their emotions are exaggerated, their relationships are often misjudged as more intimate than they really are, and they consistently manufacture drama. like actors commanding a stage, they have a knack for capturing attention – but their performances are fueled by dysfunction, not artistry.

high-conflict histrionics live for drama, particularly internal conflicts they amplify or invent. their language is often extreme: they demand you see things as “catastrophic” or confide dramatic secrets (“don’t tell anyone, but julie’s about to be fired!”). they constantly position themselves as victims, searching for evidence to support this narrative. after time with them, you may feel emotionally drained and overstimulated, and their refusal to achieve closure can make it difficult to resolve conflicts or end interactions.

while their charisma can be magnetic, their theatrics and relentless demands for attention are exhausting, especially for those they blame for their perceived victimhood. to manage such relationships, maintain empathy while steering the conversation: “that sounds frustrating. now let’s move on to discussing the project deadline.” provide non-dramatic choices: “would you prefer to discuss this now or later?” if they escalate, calmly disengage: “i see you’re upset, but let’s talk when things have settled.” then remove yourself from the conversation.

breaking contact requires calm persistence. stick to a prepared script and expect resistance, but do not waver. with time, the histrionic personality will eventually move on to a new audience.

in this chapter to 5 types of people who can ruin your life by bill eddy, you’ve learned that high-conflict personalities, such as narcissists, borderlines, antisocial individuals, paranoids, and histrionics create turmoil by escalating conflict, blaming others, and manipulating their targets. these individuals exploit vulnerabilities with charm, deceit, or intimidation, leaving others emotionally drained, isolated, or destabilized. managing these relationships requires firm boundaries, neutral communication, and strategic disengagement to safeguard your well-being.

okay, that’s it for this chapter. we hope you enjoyed it. if you can, please take the time to leave us a rating – we always appreciate your feedback. see you in the next chapter.