How to Say Anything to Anyone

has this ever happened to you? someone at work is getting on your nerves – maybe they have an annoying habit, like constantly clicking their pen. but for some reason, you just can’t bring yourself to say anything.

or perhaps you’re a manager, and you have an employee whose performance isn’t up to scratch. but when it comes to giving feedback, you don’t know where to begin.

many of us experience these frustrating moments, yet we avoid the tough conversations that could resolve them. why? often, it’s because we don’t know how to address uncomfortable topics without creating tension.

shari harley is a business communication expert. in how to say anything to anyone, she offers a practical guide to navigating these sticky situations with candor and kindness. 

if you’re hoping to improve your working relationships, here you’ll find the strategies you need. through more open, honest communication, you can make your workplace a little less awkward, and a lot more collaborative.

by the end of this chapter, you’ll know how to say anything to anyone. and we mean anything....

imagine this. a friend suddenly stops talking to you, with no explanation. or you have an amazing date, but you never hear from them again. 

of course you want to know why. but do you ask?

the truth is, most of us are wimps. we find it difficult to speak up, or to ask for clarity, so we stay quiet. instead of finding out what went wrong, we’re left guessing, making assumptions about the situation.

it’s the same thing in the workplace. let’s say you have a performance appraisal after what you thought was a great year. if you find out that your boss has a very different opinion, it’ll probably come as a shock.

these situations are so common, yet they’re completely avoidable. 

so let’s be candid with each other for a change. let’s communicate openly, honestly, and directly.

essentially, humans are “why” machines. we want to understand how and why things happen. 

and in the absence of information, we make assumptions. for example: “my boss just doesn’t like me. i don’t have a future at this company.”

maybe you’re right. maybe you’re wrong. but unless you talk about it, you’ll never know the truth.

think of it this way – knowledge is power. when you know what people really think, you have choices. you’re more in charge of your career.

shari harley is a communication expert who specializes in improving working relationships. according to harley, to a great extent, our career satisfaction depends on the quality of our relationships.

for that reason, we should make a conscious effort to improve communication with everyone we work with – whether that’s our boss, our coworkers, our employees, or our clients.

better communication means – you guessed it – more candor.

here’s an example. let’s say someone is texting on their phone during a meeting. it’s getting on everyone’s nerves, but no one speaks up.

after all, there’s no official rule about phone use during meetings. nothing’s been said. so how do you start that conversation now?

these situations are tricky. if someone is being held to a standard they’re unaware of, and then they get called out, they might feel upset or resentful.

but there’s an easy way to avoid these kinds of situations – make an agreement beforehand.

inevitably, in any working relationship, problems and challenges arise. so take a preventive approach, and communicate your expectations in advance.

if you need further convincing, here’s an example of what happens when you don’t communicate expectations.

lisa is an hr recruiter. she’s searching for a candidate on behalf of carol, a hiring manager. lisa doesn’t get much information from carol, so she finds candidates who aren’t suitable for the position. 

as a result, carol rejects all the candidates, and doubts lisa’s competence. lisa, of course, thinks that carol is a nightmare to work with. they’re both left fuming in silence.

these situations happen all the time, but they’re completely unnecessary. if only carol and lisa had had a proper conversation in the first place, discussing their expectations.

so let’s look at how to set expectations clearly and effectively.

you can go through the process when you’re about to start a project, or when you need to discuss expectations with clients or coworkers.

first, decide on your goal. for instance, “we want our work on the project to go smoothly.”

then, communicate expectations. what do you expect of each other? agree on everyone’s responsibilities.

as you discuss this, you should also agree on how you plan to work together – how you’ll deal with any challenges that come up.

next, talk about feedback. ask the others to give you feedback, and request permission to give it when necessary. 

you could say something like, “if i have any concerns during the project, i’d like to be able to speak up.”

then, agree on roles. who’s doing what?

and finally, come to an agreement on the communication process. how will you check in with each other, and how frequently?

once you’ve had this conversation upfront, everything becomes so much easier. when problems arise, you can talk about things openly and honestly, and feedback won’t come as so much of a surprise.

essentially, you’re planning for challenges and breakdowns before they happen. being proactive pays off.

when she was in her twenties, harley learned a lesson the hard way. she’d been offered a new position by her employer, a job in training and development, which required her to relocate from denver to fort collins, colorado.

so she moved to fort collins and started work. about four weeks later, she got a call from her boss in denver.

“where are you?” he asked

“fort collins,” harley replied.

her boss was furious. she was a new employee on probation – she didn’t have permission to move to fort collins, even if she’d been offered a new position!

but harley’s boss had never told her about this rule, or his expectations of her. he’d just assumed that somehow she would know these things.

still, harley learned a valuable lesson – don’t guess, ask. always get clarity from the people you work with.

it takes time to truly get to know someone, and it’s all too easy to fall into the trap of making assumptions. 

and if you make the wrong assumptions, the consequences can be devastating. 

over weeks, months, even years, frustration and resentment build up. all the while, people might be complaining about you behind your back. you may even end up getting fired.

so, instead of guessing, ask. ask people about their work habits and preferences.

for instance, ask, “if we need to talk, would you prefer to make an appointment, or should i drop by your office?” or you could say, “how do you feel about getting calls on your cell phone?”

if you have a lot of questions, don’t ask them all at once, and certainly don’t do it via email. just choose the right moment, and have a conversation face-to-face.

asking these kinds of questions not only helps to avoid misunderstandings, but also creates rapport. on the whole, people like talking about themselves, and feeling like their preferences are being taken into consideration. these conversations build trust.

similarly, harley recommends getting to know people through other simple questions. for instance, ask them, “what are your concerns about work?”

also, the questions don’t have to be strictly work-related. a good one to ask is, “when’s your birthday?”

then you know. most people like having their birthday acknowledged, even if it’s just something small, like an email on the day.

so, to sum up – to prevent conflict and improve your relationships, ask more questions. it’s that simple.

now it’s time to talk about something most of us struggle with – giving feedback. 

when you give feedback, your goal should either be to change someone’s behavior, or to maintain it. those are the only valid reasons for giving feedback.

if you’re happy with someone’s work, definitely acknowledge it.

when it comes to negative feedback, however, we need to be careful. it’s not always necessary, or even appropriate, to tell people exactly what you think. 

so, before you speak, take a moment to consider some of the golden rules of feedback.

you can give feedback if the person has asked for your opinion, or if the incident is recent – ideally, something that happened within the last week. it’s also fine to give feedback if your motive is to help that person improve their performance.

it’s not okay, though, if you just want to vent and express your frustration.

and another thing – when you give feedback, it should always be clear and specific.

for example, here’s a scenario. a man named mark applies for a position, but gets rejected because the hiring committee thinks he’s arrogant. 

later, the hiring manager tells mark that this is the reason for his rejection – they thought he was arrogant.

the hiring manager wanted to be helpful, but his words have the opposite effect. understandably, mark becomes very defensive.

telling someone that they seem “arrogant” is vague feedback. in order to be constructive, the hiring manager should have provided clear, concrete examples of the behavior that gave this impression.

however, it’s also worth bearing in mind that, no matter what, mark still might have reacted defensively.

it’s human nature to defend ourselves when we feel we’re being criticized. and it may take time for people to accept the negative feedback they’ve been given.

still, there are ways to make the process as smooth and painless as possible … even in situations that have the potential to be incredibly awkward.

remember, the title of this chapter is how to say anything to anyone. so let’s find out how to do that.

here’s another tricky situation. imagine that someone in your office, john, has bad body odor, and it’s your responsibility to tell him.

basically, you’re going to have to give him negative feedback, but as sensitively as possible.

let’s look at how to do it, step by step.

step 1 is beginning the conversation. ask john if you can have a word.

then, step 2. empathize. acknowledge that what you’re about to say might be awkward, but you’re doing it because you care about him.

step 3. describe the behavior. the phrase “i’ve noticed” can be helpful. for instance, “i’ve noticed an odor.”

step 4. share the impact of the behavior, while continuing to be empathetic. you might say something like, “the office is a small space, and i don’t want others to have a negative reaction to you.”

step 5. make it a dialogue. ask john what his thoughts are.

then, step 6. make a suggestion or request. it could be something like, “i’m sorry to have to say this, but please make sure you shower before coming to work.”

and finally, step 7. thank john for having this conversation with you.

in less-sensitive situations, you should also make an agreement on next steps before you end the conversation.

for example, let’s say you’re talking to someone who has a tendency to walk into your office unannounced.

when you’re giving that person feedback, come to an agreement about how they should behave in future; perhaps they agree to knock. that way, the expectations are clear.

think of these seven to eight steps as the “feedback formula.” you can use them whenever you want to give difficult feedback in the right way. 

to sum up, be specific, be succinct, and be direct. and remember, no matter how awkward it might feel, you’re doing the person a favor. people appreciate honesty. 

although, having said that … remember that you can be honest without saying everything that’s on your mind.

when you’re giving negative feedback, don’t talk about your own feelings. avoid saying things like, “i’m disappointed,” or “i’m feeling frustrated.” it’s not helpful, so just stick to the facts.

the aim is to be candid and kind at the same time. 

and through this approach, you’ll help to improve relationships in the workplace. you can create an environment where people are open and honest with each other, regardless of roles or hierarchies. 

at the end of the day, everybody benefits.

in this chapter to how to say anything to anyone by shari harley, you’ve learned that many of us avoid difficult conversations in the workplace, making assumptions instead of seeking clarity. unfortunately, however, this tends to lead to further problems.

shari harley, a business communication expert, suggests taking a more candid approach.

open, honest communication lets us understand others’ expectations, avoid misunderstandings, and build better relationships.

in work settings, harley recommends setting expectations from the start. for instance, before a project begins, outline everyone’s roles, responsibilities, and preferred feedback styles. small agreements upfront prevent larger conflicts later.

another thing that many of us struggle with is giving negative feedback. but here, too, it’s best to be direct and specific.

harley suggests a formula for giving feedback, which is particularly useful for sensitive situations. simply follow the steps below.

start the conversation, expressing empathy for the other person. state the issue factually, share its impact, then ask for the other person’s thoughts. 

next, suggest solutions, and come to an agreement on the next steps. finally, thank the person for having the conversation with you.

ultimately, candor doesn’t mean being harsh. honest feedback, delivered thoughtfully, builds trust. by communicating clearly and proactively, you empower yourself and others, creating a culture where everyone’s voice is valued.

okay, that’s it for this chapter. we hope you enjoyed it. if you can, please take the time to leave us a rating – we always appreciate your feedback. see you in the next chapter.