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Management & Leadership21 min read
Dare to Lead
by Brené Brown
Brave work. Tough conversations. Whole hearts.
Published: July 6, 2022
4.3 (862 ratings)
Table of Contents
1
what’s in it for me? learn how to lead with courage.2
begin your leadership journey by reframing your idea of vulnerability.3
how can you create moments for true vulnerability?4
creating meeting spaces that encourage a company culture of sharing and honesty.5
use meetings as an opportunity to get clear on missing information or knowledge gaps.6
getting clear on your core values will give you direction and allow you to move decisions forward with conviction.7
the ideal of perfection stands in the way of great leadership, courage, and growth.8
final summaryBook Summary
This is a comprehensive summary of “Dare to Lead” by Brené Brown. The book explores brave work. tough conversations. whole hearts..
what’s in it for me? learn how to lead with courage.#
Introduction
across the world, from argentina to australia, canada to cambodia, there are managers, directors and executives who all want to know the answer to one simple question.
how do i become a better leader?
you know, leadership is really, really important to me. i am a leader here at summarybook.org as well.
hi, i'm jasmine from summarybook.org.
i think one of the things that i've learned throughout my time here is that being vulnerable does not mean that you are weak.
and on the contrary, your team will feel safe to be vulnerable with you, to express their fears and thoughts and ideas with you if you model that type of vulnerability and that type of leadership where you do not model perfection, because nobody can do that.
and i think it puts undue pressure on people.
so here's this.
i'm so excited to guide you through this chapter of brené brown's dare to lead, because she's one of my absolute heroes.
contrary to what we might think, the secret to great leadership isn't about your position or power.
the key to really great leadership is vulnerability.
speaking your truth, being courageous and sticking to your values.
in this chapter, we're going to take a look at vulnerability in practical terms.
we'll discuss how you and your team can carve out time in your calendars to get vulnerable.
and we'll explore the importance of honing in on your values so that you can make decisions and perform day-to-day actions from a place of true conviction.
begin your leadership journey by reframing your idea of vulnerability.#
to start off this journey, we need to begin by reframing our ideas around what vulnerability really is.
and we're going to start by asking a bold question.
what is it that makes you feel vulnerable?
even though vulnerability is a universal feeling that we all experience, we still sometimes associate it with weakness or feeling inadequate.
we worry that admitting that we don't know all the answers will make us look stupid.
the result is that rather than exposing ourselves to others and allowing for moments of genuine connection and problem-solving, we reach out for our emotional armor, so to say.
we put it on, and in doing so, we create a barrier between us and our co-workers.
we create a barrier between us and the challenges that we face.
between us and our emotions.
between us and true moments of understanding and connection with our team.
far from being a weakness, practicing real vulnerability is your superpower.
and it'll transform you from a mediocre leader into a great leader.
and so this is our first key message.
being vulnerable is an act of courage.
it involves saying what's on your mind and being honest with yourself and your team.
you know, the word courage in its original form comes from the latin word core or heart, and it meant to speak your mind by telling your heart.
that's really nice, no?
vulnerability is your winning hand.
it's the cornerstone of human innovation and creativity.
it requires you to get open and comfortable with failure.
and more often than not, you're going to need to fail multiple times before your team eventually lands on that one idea, that clear moment that helps move everything forward.
how can you create moments for true vulnerability?#
so how can we create moments of true vulnerability?
the second key idea in this chapter is that courageous leaders carve out time to talk from the heart by giving and soliciting honest feedback.
in the early days of starting her company, brené's employees asked if they could sit down with her.
they had concerns and they wanted to share them with her.
being a courageous leader, brené agreed.
she sat down with her employees and was stunned to learn that they were struggling with the consequences of her unrealistic time management.
her team pointed out that she had an unhealthy habit of setting impossible deadlines that the team really struggled to meet.
and so these criticisms were really hard to hear for brené, but she was grateful for the honest feedback.
she knew that being clear is being kind.
being clear in order to be kind is one of the first messages to highlight here.
because when we communicate with a spirit of clarity, both at home and in the workplace, we begin to create a culture of truth seeking and truth telling that is essential for growth and transformation.
i mean, it sounds great.
of course, we all want to grow and transform, right?
but how many of us actually do this?
research shows that the majority of us avoid being clear when talking to others.
we feel that it's kinder to avoid being honest.
we also feel that it's easier to avoid confrontation and conversation.
these difficult chats can sometimes cost personal and emotional energy.
but what about the long-term cost of steering away from tricky conversations?
you know, ultimately, the longer we play the waiting game, the bigger the problem gets.
until, eventually, it becomes huge, an insurmountable mountain of a problem, which we either die at the bottom of, or we're forced to turn our back and give up on the challenge altogether.
so, just as brené took the time out of her busy schedule to listen to her team's concerns, a good idea is to create weekly or bi-weekly check-ins where you offer your team the opportunity to relay any concerns or problems they might be experiencing.
the first step in solving any problem you might face is to get curious.
rather than simply apologizing to your team for what's been going on before sweeping the problem under the carpet, really allow yourself to listen to your team.
probe the problem.
try and find out more.
you might want to ask, hey, tell me more about how this plays out for you.
or, hey, i want to understand how this feels for you.
if this sounds uncomfortable for you, you're probably on the right track.
according to the author, a good tip is to remember the eight-second rule.
extreme discomfort lasts no longer than eight seconds, and after that, it'll get easier.
so, sit tight and breathe through those opening, difficult eight seconds.
this is so much easier than the long-term fractures that open up when we swipe problems away.
another important thing to remember is that you don't need to have the answers right away.
when you don't have the answers, which, let's face it, you probably won't, start by showing your team that you're committed to finding the answers.
explain that you need a little bit of time to investigate the problem properly, and perhaps offer to circle back the next day or the next week.
that avoids rushing into promises that you can't keep or providing answers that hold no weight.
creating meeting spaces that encourage a company culture of sharing and honesty.#
creating meeting spaces that encourage a culture of sharing and honesty.
one great way to create a culture of vulnerability and curiosity within meetings is to use an exercise called permission slips.
these slips give you and your team the opportunity to do a self-check-in before a meeting begins.
basically, a chance to identify your fears, hopes, and intentions.
and this is how it works.
each member of the team is offered a post-it note by their lead and invited to list one emotion or one action they will allow themselves to fulfill over the course of the meeting.
permission slips are something that you can do in private or something that you can do as a group.
they're a valuable way of setting the tone for the rest of the meeting.
not only do you encourage an intimate sharing space for the duration of the meeting, but it also creates an opportunity to hold each other accountable.
for example, you might say to a colleague after the meeting, hey, i heard that you gave yourself permission to feel frustration in the meeting.
how did that play out for you?
and somebody else might share, i give myself the permission to take more time before answering questions.
and then in the meeting, you might observe that they're turning back to old habits and rushing through their answers.
again, that gives you the opportunity for a sliding door moment, a chance to connect with your colleague and say, hey, i know you wanted to allow yourself more time around answering questions.
do you want to give yourself a chance to think this over and we can pick it up at the end of the meeting?
use meetings as an opportunity to get clear on missing information or knowledge gaps.#
another great way of encouraging a culture of sharing and open communication within your team is to use meetings as an opportunity to get clear on missing information or basically gaps in data.
if you lead an organization, you'll know as well as brené that organizations are made up of people.
and people, as we all know, are constantly seeking patterns and stories to help them make sense of their world.
your colleagues and teammates will have a set of stories which they refer back to in order to make sense of their work and their place within the team.
and the thing about stories, of course, is that the brain enjoys a really neat ending.
we want villains and heroes, as well as a clear story arc.
to put it bluntly, we want clarity.
and so when we arrive at missing information, uncertainty or a lack of transparency, in other words, a bad story, it makes us kind of uncomfortable.
and so we do what humans do best.
we problem solve and we fill in the gaps in our knowledge to create our own story.
unfortunately, the brain doesn't award us for our nuanced perspective or truth-telling, but instead the brain simply says, hey, give me a clear narrative.
what am i working with here?
and when you run a business or you lead people within that business, you'll discover very quickly just how dangerous bad storytelling can be.
if you're not giving your team the information that they need, they're going to start spinning their own truth and telling their own stories.
and all of that is going to cost your business dearly in the long run.
and that's why as leaders, we constantly have to be checking in with the stories that our teams are telling themselves.
when there's a lack of transparency, the first story we jump to, as the writer anne lamott points out, is the shitty first draft or sfd.
just imagine what kinds of shitty first drafts your team members might be telling themselves right now.
imagine how fear and insecurity might be driving them to fill in the data gaps.
what information might they currently be lacking?
and what stories might they have created to satisfy exactly those holes?
happily, there are two ways around sfds, shitty first drafts, remember.
the first way as a leader is to always be as transparent with your team as possible.
being open requires courage.
we know this.
but if you're committed to a culture of courage, you'll give your team as much of the data and as much of the bigger story as possible.
the second tool is, again, to carve out time in your team's calendar to have shitty first draft check-ins.
after an important meeting or an especially rocky period, you might want to block a time in everyone's calendar, a chance to go around the room and ask people to share the stories they're telling themselves.
give your team the following prompts and invite them to share their sfds.
what i'm observing at work is..
. the story i'm telling myself around this is so-and-so.
this is making me feel...
and so on.
or this is making me act...
so on and so forth.
you know, to give you an example, one team member might turn around to you and say, hey, what i'm observing at work is that when i submitted my proposal to you, you didn't respond to the email.
and the story that i'm telling myself around this is that you disliked my proposal.
and this is making me feel a less valued and be less motivated to move forward with the project.
to which you might reply, hmm, you're right.
i did read the proposal and i thought there were things that we could work on together.
i'm really sorry that i didn't reply to you sooner.
and i can appreciate how anxious that must have made you feel.
shall we find some time to talk through today?
this then gives your teammates some relief and it gives you both the opportunity to sit down and talk about the proposal further.
or maybe you might reply, hey, i'm really sorry.
i didn't even have time to read your proposal.
my kid was throwing up last night and i'm really exhausted.
but thank you so much.
i appreciate you for checking in.
and as you go around the room, sharing shitty first drafts, allow yourself to be open and vulnerable with your team.
by being vulnerable, you also give your colleagues an opportunity to practice empathy.
in this instance, your colleague might reply, oh, i'm sorry to hear that.
why don't we sit down and grab a cup of coffee and i can talk you through my proposal.
again, this provides you both with the opportunity for a sliding door moment, a chance to connect in person.
once you're in the practice of checking in on these stories, seeing where the data gaps are and moving past shitty first drafts, you'll be on the way to creating a more transparent company culture.
okay.
getting clear on your core values will give you direction and allow you to move decisions forward with conviction.#
so company culture, check.
the next step is getting clear on your core values.
and this will not only give you direction, but allow you to move forward on decisions with conviction.
your values are like your north star.
they should be directing every decision that you make and every action that you implement.
when we find ourselves faced down in the dirt, it's our values that motivate us to get back up again and keep daring to give it our all.
the most courageous leaders that brene brown came across doing her research were those who really knew what their values were and who used them to guide them through periods of darkness.
so i'd like you to take the time right now and ask yourself, what are your key values?
when making your list, you'll likely come up with a load of answers at first, but try to just note down two things.
brene brown narrowed hers down to the key values of courage and faith.
why two?
well, after interviewing hundreds of global executive leaders, brown found that most leaders identified 10 or more core values, but the leaders most willing to experience vulnerability and demonstrate courage anchored themselves to no more than two.
and it makes a lot of sense if you think about it.
two values are actionable, but if you have a long list of values, none of them can genuinely drive your behavior.
too many values and you're left with a meaningless list of words designed to make you feel good.
so come up with just two of your most important values and let them guide your behavior, especially when times are tough.
the ideal of perfection stands in the way of great leadership, courage, and growth.#
the final obstacle standing in the way of you and great leadership is perfection.
perfectionism holds us all back from true courage and growth.
from an early age, we become skilled at shielding ourselves from vulnerable feelings like disappointment, hurt, and diminishment.
we build protective walls from behaviors, emotions, and thoughts and use it to protect ourselves from the big bad world.
but to live and lead with courage, as we've all learned, we need to rumble with vulnerability.
and one of the best ways to begin this journey is by recognizing the blockers preventing us from being more open and being more vulnerable.
and a key blocker is perfectionism.
if we truly want to become daring leaders, we have to learn to put perfectionism in the bin.
and to do this, we need to firstly bust the myth around perfectionism as a good thing.
now, you might believe that perfectionism is all about self-improvement and striving for excellence.
or maybe you don't believe it.
but when you take a closer look, perfectionism is really about attempting to win approval.
most perfectionists are raised in environments that praise their exceptional performance.
and as a result of this praise, perfectionists develop a damaging belief system that follows them into their adult lives.
all of this locks us into an exhausting behavioral pattern of people pleasing, performing for others, and competitiveness.
and on the flip side of the coin, people with a healthy drive for success are often more self-focused.
they continually ask themselves, how can i improve?
whereas perfectionists ask, what will others think of me?
there's a darker side to perfectionism too, something that goes way beyond the need to please.
in fact, research shows that perfectionism is associated with addiction, depression, and anxiety.
furthermore, perfectionists are more likely to miss opportunities and experience mental paralysis that keeps them from fully engaging.
their fears of being criticized or not meeting the expectations of others keep them from entering the messy arena of life, where healthy competition and striving for true greatness occur.
so, to become a daring leader, take off the armor of perfectionism and jump into the fray.
you might make mistakes in the process, but you'll gain something valuable along the way.
the courage to succeed and lead.
final summary#
Conclusion
the key message in these chapters is that when we open ourselves up to vulnerability, we open ourselves up to courage and creativity.
when we let go of our perfectionist tendencies and our fear of failure, we find the bravery to improve ourselves and to have difficult, important conversations with our colleagues.
in other words, we need all of our emotions on board if we're going to become daring leaders.
and here's a piece of actionable advice.
explore your feelings instead of numbing them.
our knee-jerk response when experiencing vulnerability is often to try to make it go away.
we usually numb ourselves with whatever we have at hand, whether it's alcohol or comfort eating or shopping.
but before you dive into that big glass of wine or a tub of ice cream, just ask yourself, what is it that i'm actually feeling?
and where has this feeling come from?
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