The Way of the Superior Man

the way of the superior man was an instant sensation when it hit bookstores in 1997. its enduring popularity has led to regular new editions ever since, making it one of the most widely read books on men’s spirituality ever published.

the book aims to answer an ambitious question: what does it mean to be a man in today’s world? it’s a question that has grown increasingly complex in the wake of shifting gender roles, cultural revolutions, and evolving ideas of masculinity. david deida confronts it head-on, offering a bold and unapologetic guide for men looking to navigate relationships, purpose, and passion with authenticity and integrity.

deida’s vision is not a reactionary pushback against twentieth-century struggles for equality. on the contrary, he acknowledges that these movements liberated both sexes. it freed women from domestic drudgery, allowing them to go into the world to accrue financial and political power. men, meanwhile, were finally able to talk about their feelings, express greater tenderness, and become more nurturing fathers. equality, in short, made our ideas about masculinity and femininity more fluid – and less toxic. 

but there’s a catch. while the sexual revolution of the 1960s onwards rang welcome and important changes, its “50/50-ideal” of the essential sameness of the sexes isn’t especially fulfilling for most men – or women. why not? as deida sees it, most relationships require a polarity between the masculine and the feminine – a willingness, that is, of one partner to be more ‘masculine’ and one to be more ‘feminine’. it’s this productive tension, deida argues, that animates the field of sexual passion and gives both men and women their sense of purpose. 

in this chapter, we’ll cover how men can balance strength with vulnerability, ambition with heart, and structure with spontaneity. you’ll also learn why cultivating masculine purpose and embracing the natural polarity between masculine and feminine energies can ignite passion in relationships and inspire a more fulfilling life.

what stands between a man and his full potential? in other words, what holds him back in life? for many, the answer lies in waiting – waiting for a tomorrow that never comes. the truth is, many men fail to find their purpose because they convince themselves that the right time is always just around the corner.

masculinity is intertwined with the concept of duty. to be a man has often meant – and for many men still means – doing what’s necessary. this ideal can inspire men to do the right thing even when it’s difficult and unpleasant. but it can also function as an alibi for inaction. 

it’s easy, after all, to talk yourself into putting off life-altering projects when you’re raising a family, paying down a mortgage, or building a career. and so you wait for the day when all the hard stuff is finally done. but that’s not how it works. sure, at some point you’ll have more financial security and the kids will be in college, but there’s always another hurdle to clear. put differently, if you fall into this way of thinking, you’ll always find another good reason to postpone action. in the end, it’s a dodge. an excuse. 

this hard truth should be liberating. obligations never stopped a man who was truly set on something. great inventions and ideas and works of art have taken shape in the moments men snatched for themselves between fixing roofs, taking their kids to school, or earning money. 

so what is it that you want to do? better yet, what is it that you feel, in the deepest part of your being, that you need to do? if you can answer that question sincerely, you will discover the thing that animated such men: a purpose. and once you have that, you can get to work. 

all you have to do is set aside one hour each day to do what you love doing. fulfill your obligations, do your duty, raise your kids, pay your bills, fix the leak in your roof – do all the things you must do. but find that single hour too. 

be forewarned, though: it’s possible that you’ll realize you don’t want to pursue the purpose you believed was yours. or that you can’t. the future you imagined for yourself might turn out to have been an idle fantasy. that can be a bitter blow, but it’s ultimately a good thing: it’s by cutting down false ideals that you clear the ground to find your true calling.

purpose is the core of a man’s being: it’s the force that animates and drives him. without it, he’s liable to feel disconnected, dissociated, and weak. his life, meanwhile, becomes colorless and repetitive. he’s left without a sense of depth, and that absence of purpose affects every facet of his life – including his relationships. a man without purpose struggles to be a good partner and, often, struggles to be good at anything at all.

take work. when he lacks purpose, a job becomes a means to an end. it’s something to be gotten through. it has no meaning beyond satisfying his most basic needs for food and shelter. his social life is no different. without that animating spark, his engagement with the world is reduced to a series of pointless moments that don’t really go anywhere. 

the superior man, by contrast, is a man who has discovered his purpose – and thereby charged his life with meaning and significance. suddenly, everything shifts: he no longer needs work or relationships to fulfill him because he already feels whole. with his mission guiding him, he approaches life as an opportunity to share his gifts, finding joy in the act of giving. this clarity simplifies his relationships and makes them more rewarding. he understands that his purpose must come first – not out of selfishness, but because it strengthens his presence in the world and his capacity to truly nurture and support his partner. without purpose, he becomes ambivalent, directionless, and miserable – and from that place, he can’t offer the love and generosity his partner needs.

there’s a practical takeaway here. the next time you find yourself compromising on something that’s deeply important to you and “giving in” to your partner, pause. postponing your needs to spend time with her might make things easier for a while, but it’s unsustainable in the long run. be gentle yet firm. tell her you love her. tell her that you’ll make time for her and that you’ll be fully present and give her your undivided attention when you do. follow through on that. but whatever else you do, attend to your mission first. 

if you can do this, you’ll find that your relationships improve. remember, a couple of hours of undivided attention and love will fulfill your partner much more than longer spans of divided and weak presence. if you’d rather be doing something else than spending time with her, she’ll sense it – and that will leave both of you dissatisfied.

one of the greatest challenges a man faces in life is uncovering his core purpose. the journey to discovering this purpose, however, often begins with an essential question: is the mission he feels called to truly his own, or is it something unconsciously inherited from his father? one man might feel compelled to follow in his father’s footsteps and become a firefighter, while another might rebel against his father by becoming an arsonist instead. in both cases, neither man has uncovered his true destiny.

the only way out of this problem is to move through it, penetrating through the layers of lesser purposes that surround the core. often, that’s a matter of inhabiting each false purpose to its fullest extent, exhausting its potential as a way of living and finally discarding it. for example, a man whose deepest purpose is to discover god may only realize his calling after living many “false” lives dedicated to pursuing sexual gratification, chasing after money, or using drugs. only then can he get down to the real work of immersing himself in spiritual practice. 

at that point, he may confront a second problem. can his calling be reconciled with his obligations? more specifically, can he simultaneously serve his purpose and his family? 

recall what we said about purpose and intimate relationships: a man with a strong core is better equipped to serve the woman in his life. the same applies to his children.

a man with a strong core is full of intent; he’s driven and focused. he knows his true north. children pick up on this clarity of purpose in their fathers. but they also pick up on the ambivalence and division in a father who has compromised his mission because he convinced himself – or allowed himself to be convinced – that that was the “right” thing to do. an afternoon with a fully attentive and present father is worth more to children than a week with a noncommittal father who is adrift in his own life, no matter how much he loves them.

here, the circle closes. just as you picked up on your father’s weaknesses and strengths through osmosis, your children will unconsciously attune themselves to yours. if you are profoundly at ease with yourself and your mission, they will respond to that. if you are fearful and unintentional, however, that emotional “mood” will shape – and define – them as well. 

intimacy is a shared act of service, a partnership where both individuals help each other grow and deepen their love. it’s how we become better versions of ourselves. it’s also how we can master the art of giving. that’s why we desire relationships: serving another is how we grow and learn to truly love. 

yet relationships are often frustrating. men often ask themselves why their partners can’t simply handle their emotions on their own. why do their mood swings seem so sudden and unpredictable? why can’t their partner just be happy? unable to answer these questions, they begin to feel worn down. they stop loving and start resenting. 

resentment is a recipe for mutual misery. but all this frustration is rooted in a misunderstanding of the essential dynamic between the masculine and the feminine.   

the greatest gift a man can give his partner is his capacity to open her heart when it’s closed. of course your partner can get herself out of her dark moods. but your masculine love can brighten that darkness in its own special way – in a way that she can’t herself. 

think of femininity as a cycle. the feminine part of your partner moves through two stages: the easy, loving surrender when her heart is open, and those frustrating moments of closure. but you can’t have one without the other: like yin and yang, they belong together. so instead of feeling frustrated, embrace these difficult moments as a test of your ability to reopen her heart. the relationship between the feminine and the masculine is a dance scored for two parts. the sooner you and your partner embrace its rhythm and cadence, the easier it will be to move past the petty conflicts that cause so many relationships to falter.

in practice, this means shifting how you respond to your partner's moods. instead of withdrawing or enduring her frustrations in silence, engage with her. reach out. use your presence, humor, and love to open her heart. see these moments not as burdens, but as opportunities to playfully connect and support her.  move her with your words and your body. be fearless. most importantly, do it again and again and again. this is your gift to her. yes, she can pull herself out of these moods, but if she could grow more on her own than she could with you, there would be no need for your relationship.

what is it that draws a certain man to a particular woman? it’s a deceptively simple question, yet one that has caused frustration and confusion for centuries. 

if we imagine sexuality as a spectrum, we can identify one pole at either end: the masculine and the feminine. men and women can be more or less masculine or feminine; mostly, their characters combine a mixture of traits associated with both concepts. but if you’re closer to the former pole and have a masculine sexual essence, it’s difference that attracts you. that’s why the question men have often asked – why can’t women be more like, well, men? – leads nowhere. the masculine is always attracted to its sexual reciprocal: its opposite, the feminine. 

some men, by contrast, have a more neutral sexual essence – they fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. they are more likely to prefer a woman who is also more neutral. this kind of couple is just as loving as other kinds of couples, but the relationship is less polarized. typically, that means that friendship plays a larger role in it than sexual passion. 

the problem is, partners sometimes “depolarize” themselves into a relationship that appears to be neutral, but isn’t really. if you have a more masculine sexual essence and your partner has a more feminine sexual essence, this is a recipe for trouble. what you truly crave isn’t a neutral companion – you desire a feminine partner who excites you. someone who frustrates you and makes you mad, who inspires you and turns you on. false depolarization destroys this dynamic. it weakens the rejuvenating charge of sexual love, while leaving sources of frustration intact. 

the lesson here for men with masculine sexual essences is to stop struggling against their partner’s femininity. as we saw earlier, you can’t opt into one part of that femininity and out of the other. yes, she’ll infuriate and perplex and bug you, but it’s also only the feminine woman who can give you the gifts that you, as a masculine man, desire and crave. the relative chaos she brings into your life isn’t something to be dreaded – it flows from the same source as the things that turn you on. to understand and embrace this dynamic is your gift to her – and ultimately, yourself.

in this chapter to the way of the superior man by david deida, you’ve learned that:

only a man with a purpose can shoulder his obligations and derive meaning from them. this is the first lesson he learns as he embarks on the way of the superior man. the second helps him understand the dynamic interplay of masculine and feminine energies. as he embraces the difference between sexual essences, he discovers that what he desires in women can’t be separated from what has previously frustrated him. it’s this that teaches him how to truly love. 

okay, that’s it for this chapter. we hope you enjoyed it. if you can, please take the time to leave us a rating – we always appreciate your feedback. see you in the next chapter.