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Sex & Relationships21 min read
Securely Attached
by Eli Harwood
Transform Your Attachment Patterns into Loving, Lasting Romantic Relationships
Published: January 18, 2024
3.9 (73 ratings)
Book Summary
This is a comprehensive summary of “Securely Attached” by Eli Harwood. The book explores transform your attachment patterns into loving, lasting romantic relationships.
what’s in it for me? pave the way toward earned secure attachment.#
Introduction
eli harwood securely attached transform your attachment patterns into loving, lasting romantic relationships.
ever caught yourself wondering why some couples end up as distant strangers, when they were once so crazy about each other?
why do those initial fireworks in a relationship always seem to fizzle out into a dull spark?
turns out, a lot of these relational mysteries can be traced back to our childhoods.
yep, you heard that right.
the way we were treated by our parents or caregivers when we were young plays a massive role in shaping how we connect with others later in life.
but hey, it's not all doom and gloom.
our brains are a lot like the modeling clay we might have played with as kids.
in other words, they can be molded and remolded.
so, if your attachment strategies are looking a bit wonky, there's still hope to straighten them out.
so, in this chapter, we're going to dive into the world of attachment, a concept universal to all humans.
along the way, we'll include several thought exercises to help you really think through your attachment history.
so, buckle up and get ready for a bit of self-discovery that will pave the way for a future full of healthier and happier relationships.
understanding attachment strategies#
ready to take a deep dive into your past and figure out why you act the way you do in relationships?
being a detective in your own life story can be both eye-opening and game-changing.
but fair warning, delving into past relationships, particularly early experiences with caregivers, can be emotionally challenging.
so, be kind to yourself and take breaks if you need to.
that said, let's start by talking about the unique conditions facing human infants.
they're super dependent on caregivers, more so than any other critters in the animal kingdom.
unlike other mammals, we humans are born barely able to see, and the most we can grip is an adult's pinky finger.
these very drawbacks are what allow our brains to grow like crazy outside of the womb.
but it also means we're super sensitive to how our caregivers treat us, and their responses can shape our relational patterns for years and years to come.
these relational patterns, by the way, are sorted into several categories.
there's one form of secure attachment, which is called, unsurprisingly, secure attachment.
then, there are three types of insecure attachments, anxious-ambivalent, anxious-avoidant, and disorganized.
somewhat confusingly, these attachment strategies change names when they're applied to adults.
the secure attachment strategy for adults is called, secure-autonomous.
the three insecure strategies are called, preoccupied, dismissive, and unresolved-disorganized.
before we continue, note that we don't use the term attachment style.
instead, we use attachment pattern, strategy, or category, because that's the terminology used in the developmental research.
now, each attachment category is associated with distinct traits.
securely, attached infants show distress when separated from their caregivers, but are easily reassured when they return.
likewise, securely attached adults tend to have balanced relationships, effectively communicating their needs and responding with empathy to others.
they skillfully navigate the balance between intimacy and independence.
so, how about the insecure kids?
well, the anxious-ambivalent attachment strategy often includes intense seeking behaviors, that is, seeking for a caregiver.
but they also don't calm down easily when their caregivers return.
in adulthood, those with preoccupied attachment are extra sensitive to others' emotions.
they tend to express their needs dramatically, can be clingy, and might constantly seek reassurance from others.
then there's anxious-avoidant attachment.
kids using this strategy appear outwardly undisturbed when their caregivers go away, but inside, they're deeply stressed.
however, instead of seeking out comfort from their caregivers, they avoid them.
as adults, those with dismissive attachment might be uncomfortable with emotions, preferring distraction over emotional engagement.
they rarely communicate their emotional needs and pride themselves on their self-sufficiency, which often comes at the expense of emotional connection.
finally, disorganized attachment in childhood manifests as erratic behavior.
children using this strategy oscillate between various stress responses and appear fearful of their caregivers.
in adulthood, unresolved disorganized attachment might look like fluctuation between seeking and rejecting closeness, difficulties with trust, and an overall sense of insecurity in relationships.
this pattern is often the result of a history of abuse or neglect, which leads to a chaotic and defensive approach to relationships.
understanding which category you fall into requires some serious self-reflection on your relationship patterns and how they've been shaped by your life experiences.
and here's a twist.
you can switch categories throughout your life, and you can use different attachment strategies with different people, so it's not all set in stone.
oh, and here's another secret.
there's actually another attachment you can have.
that's earned, secure attachment.
in other words, you can learn how to use a secure attachment strategy, even if you lean toward insecurity right now.
influences on attachment#
all right, let's get real about how our early life drama shapes our adult coping skills.
first, there's something important we need to remember.
our caregivers aren't just caregivers.
they're also adults with their own attachment behaviors.
secure caregivers get things just about right.
they acknowledge and validate a child's feelings, provide a sense of safety, and effectively manage conflict with warmth and calmness.
on the other hand, preoccupied caregivers often overreact and intrude upon their child's emotional experiences.
this leads to a stressful, anxiety-ridden environment.
then, there's the dismissive caregivers, who are more like, feelings?
what feelings?
they prioritize independence and might ignore or intellectualize a child's emotions.
finally, disorganized caregivers are erratic.
they may react fearfully or punitively to a child's emotional needs, creating a confusing and often scary environment.
these strategies often influence the way that parents express love, both physically and verbally.
and that, in turn, becomes a blueprint for how you see yourself, either as someone worthy of love or not.
if a child experiences genuine affection, they're likely to feel valued and secure.
conversely, lack of affection or conditional affection can lead to feelings of unworthiness or being unloved.
of course, caregivers were affected by their own childhoods.
but a lot of other factors also contribute to the attachment strategies they use.
cultural background is a big one.
after all, every culture has a unique perspective on the caregiver-child relationship, influenced by national, ethnic, racial, socioeconomic, and religious factors.
these belief systems and traditions have a big impact.
for instance, in some cultures, emotional expression might be encouraged and supported, fostering secure attachment.
in others, emotional expression might be discouraged or even punished, leading to more insecure attachment patterns.
along with this is generational trauma.
this is basically unresolved emotional pain and baggage that gets passed down from generation to generation.
this trauma can manifest through family patterns of dealing with pain, storytelling practices, and belief systems about suffering.
for instance, a family might tell scary and inappropriate stories about the past.
they might talk obsessively and hopelessly about unresolved issues.
or they might not tell stories about the past at all.
all of these can lead to insecure attachment.
to dig deeper into your family's history, chat with family members you trust, if you can.
ask them about your family's history.
were there any big losses, illnesses, or maybe some deep-seated family secrets?
write down what you learn.
you might also want to reflect on this question.
what if things had been different when you were growing up?
what if your needs had been totally met?
imagining this can be a big step toward understanding and healing your current attachment struggles.
attachment in romantic relationships#
attachment in romantic relationships do you ever feel like your attachment strategies are sabotaging your love life?
if so, you're not alone.
the attachment strategies we learn in childhood tend to get activated by romantic partners as we seek out the kind of care and affection we're already familiar with.
fortunately, there are ways to break these patterns.
first and foremost, you should examine and name your tendencies.
in doing so, you start to deflate their power.
for example, do you perceive signs of disinterest everywhere and cling to your partner in an attempt to avoid abandonment?
do you retreat into isolation rather than engage in conflict?
are you unable to articulate your emotional world or tell a coherent story about past relationships?
one fun trick that can help is to picture your habits as animal instincts.
for example, someone with a preoccupied attachment might act like a vigilant honey badger.
just as honey badgers frantically pursue sweetness from branches without pause, preoccupied people protest frequently, refusing to be soothed.
they're always on high alert, scanning their partners for any signs of imminent abandonment.
in contrast, people with dismissive attachment might resemble a turtle.
when overwhelmed, they instinctually retreat into their shell, shutting down emotionally or denying bids for intimacy from others.
recognizing these tendencies and relating them to the animal world neutralizes their intensity, giving us power to pause and consider healthier alternatives.
another way to evaluate your adult attachments is to list the significant people from your later adolescence and adulthood, scoring them on how emotionally caring they were.
this exercise can reveal patterns in the level of care you've typically received and offer insights into how you've engaged with others' needs and your own.
it also prompts a reflection on the potential need to adjust relationship expectations and to strike a balance between grandiose, secure, and inadequate expectations.
if you have grandiose expectations of your romantic partners, you might expect them to meet every single need you have without explicit communication, essentially to read your mind.
if you have inadequate expectations, you might suppress your own desires and prioritize your partner's needs over your own.
you might even consider yourself lucky to be in a relationship at all.
secure expectations strike a healthy balance between these extremes.
with secure expectations, you understand the importance of both giving and receiving care, communicate your needs openly, and understand that any relationship has its ups and downs.
with this balance in mind, where might you adjust your relationship expectations to be more forgiving toward your partner and yourself?
dealing with conflict#
think back to a time when you felt scared, upset, or insecure as a kid.
did the adults around you make you feel safe to express yourself?
offer comfort?
if not, you likely absorbed an unhealthy model of how conflicts in relationships are supposed to work.
yet conflict resolution is a big deal in adult relationships.
in order to earn secure attachment, you need to examine your conflict history.
what was the overall tone when arguments arose in your household growing up?
explosive and aggressive?
silent and avoidant?
how quickly did tension smooth over into laughter and affection again?
now, compare the conflict rhythms in your family of origin to dynamics that might be playing out with an intimate partner currently.
when clashes happen now, do you default to fight or flight mode?
do you criticize, shut down, or deflect?
how long do you nurse grudges before forgiving?
carefully examining your reactive strategies in contrast to your values allows you to identify areas for growth.
here's a pro tip.
next time you find yourself in conflict, practice calming your body down.
breathe deeply, loosen your muscles, and make sure your hands aren't balled up into fists.
and do these things before trying to make your point or listen to the other person's argument.
by doing this, you make conflicts feel less daunting and more manageable.
of course, conflict itself isn't the only thing that can lead to tension with another person.
separation is also a big one.
you might experience great anxiety from the thought of being away from your secure, stable person.
even for a short time.
or, conversely, you might find it overwhelming to be close to another person and constantly seek out alone time.
one way that a lot of people cope with their need for closeness or separation is by protesting over and over to their partner.
by constantly protesting, you create a problem that the other person needs to fix, which means they need to stay close to you.
this might make you feel safe, but it also stresses out your partner.
to combat this tendency, actively notice and document the caring gestures you receive from your partner in a honey journal.
in it, record each loving action, compliment, act of service, or bit of validation from your partner.
perhaps she made you tea when you weren't feeling well, or he took over some of your chores because work was intense for you this week.
externalizing these signs of care trains your perception towards the positive, instead of scanning for flaws.
moving toward secure attachment#
moving toward secure attachment changing your love life is a lot like a home renovation.
you've got to tear down those rickety walls of unhealthy habits and build up some shiny new ones.
whether you're in a secure relationship, longing for one, or navigating through a painful dynamic, the approach to practicing secure love varies.
in secure relationships, your focus is on nurturing and growing the positives.
if you're currently flying solo, work on improving the close connections you already have with friends and family.
and if you're in a harmful dynamic, it's best to direct your love and kindness towards safe connections, and not those causing you harm.
so let's talk about the qualities that really make a relationship rock solid.
you'll need to keep these in mind moving forward, no matter what kind of dynamic you find yourself in right now.
one of these qualities is caring.
caring is about providing emotional and practical support unconditionally, reflecting a genuine commitment to the well-being of loved ones.
this is closely linked with being receptive, where you're open and empathetic to the emotional needs of others, especially during challenging times.
curiosity keeps a relationship dynamic and growing, as it involves a deep and ongoing interest in understanding your partner's inner world.
hand in hand with this curiosity is accountability, where individuals own up to their mistakes and actively seek to make amends.
at the base of all of these qualities, though, is self-care.
investing in personal well-being is crucial, whether you do it through physical activity, nurturing other relationships, or engaging in fulfilling hobbies.
above all, you need to ensure that your personal health and happiness are not solely dependent on your romantic relationship.
lastly, remember that the journey towards secure attachment is ongoing.
it involves regular reflection, learning, and adapting.
the ghosts from your past will continue to show up, but you'll also continue to learn new things about yourself, about love, and about the people you're giving love to.
you might have moments where you slip back into your old insecure patterns, but you'll also have moments where you feel far more secure than you did before.
take each of these scenarios as a chance to deepen your growth.
ask yourself why your insecurities are coming up and how you can care for yourself and move into a more secure strategy.
this journey, though challenging, promises a richer, more fulfilling relational experience.
final summary#
Conclusion
the main takeaway of this chapter to securely attached by eli harwood is that understanding and transforming your attachment strategies, formed during early interactions with caregivers, can profoundly influence your adult relationships.
these strategies, categorized into secure, preoccupied, dismissive, and unresolved disorganized patterns, shape how we relate to others, ranging from balanced and empathetic to avoidant or chaotic.
cultivating a secure attachment involves introspection, adapting behaviors like generosity and openness, and consistently practicing empathy and self-care.
okay, that's it for this chapter.
but before you go, we'd like to know what you think, so please leave us a rating and a quick comment so we can improve your listening experience even more.
thanks, and see you in the next chapter.
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